Seymour Tackles The Suez

March Madness brackets are in full disarray, and all the mediocres can talk about is a ship stuck in the Suez Canal that they're sure will ignite a second run on toilet paper.

My pet rock, Seymour, never misses a beat.

Once he goes into 'editing gone wild' mode, he cuts through the feldercarb and gets right to the gist of obtusity with a clarity that is truly over most of our heads.

Don't believe me?  Check this out:

Suez Canal Blockage Sparks Fears of NCAA Brackets Challenge Upsets And Other Weird Sh*t

By Seymour PetRock    |   Friday, 26 March 2021 10:54 AM

WTFNS

The world could be headed for a labor dispute with ice cream-crapping unicorns at this rate.

Thanks to a side-saddled ship in the Suez, chaos reigns supreme amongst unicorns, March Madness brackets and Bidumb's handlers.  And the regionally ignored paper the Cladipus Licker in a Mississippi market noted that it could rival the panic'd media reporting shortages seen in the early days of the Chinese Wuhan virus pandumbic misreporting, of which they did so well.

It is all the result of some putz in 'Vegas betting on long shots in the March Madness NCAA tournament, causing the helmsman of the Ever Given to run aground this week when his bet on William & Mary didn't pan out.

Authorities are racing to fix the over-unders that ripple-effected as a result of this one long-odds bet.

The owner of the vessel has apologized for the canal blockage, which is sparking a global sports betting crisis because of the flotilla of cargo ships stuck behind it with shattered brackets and lots of angst that the Cleveland Browns failed to make the brackets challenge.

As Illinois prematurely exited the tournament, millions of deceased mammals from the Jurassic era panicked about toilet paper supply, thanks to cnn and a fire at a bus depot restroom in Newark.

According to WTFNS, Abject Nonsense Solutions, a data and spockish firm, said online and in-store U.S. Sports betting sales rose last year 51% between Feb. 29 and March 10.  They can't measure that particular statistic again until 2024.  Meantime, sales soared 845% on the eve of March Madness when it was leaked that the New York Jets were entering the tournament, being good for little else.

Meantime the amount of toilet paper the average deceased Jurassic era mammal uses hasn't changed, WTFNS reported. It's still around 0 rolls per year, compared to the same number millennia ago.

How this relates to unicorns going on strike over crapping ice cream is not immediately apparent.  Nor are there any unicorn parents willing to discuss it.

Further, Weakly News and World Retorts is circulating the story that authorities have called in an alien u-boat to torpedo and sink the Ever Given in an effort to get traffic flowing, even if that isn't the story they led with.

NY Toast economist Juanita Koningsbroad told  the only person to show up at a Bidumb press conference that "with supply chains already under pressure, the world's largest goods-transfer-to-camels is now underway”. It was noted that most of the camel drivers picked Georgetown to win the tournament, leaving all of them destitute. 

In an interview with WTFNS, Walter Mitty, CEO of the Brazilian wood pulp company PulpaPoopa SA, said his company already was struggling to salvage operations when over 75% of his work force bet on the Detroit Red Wings to win March Madness, having trusted a Dominion voting machine with corrupt software to handle the bookings.

In a curious aside, the Express newspaper reported that wood pulp is not the result of a tree getting a mud hole stomped in it by Antifa because someone put a Trump poster on it.

Experts warned it could take weeks before any readers of this story could figure out what the hell it was about, causing many ships to take brackets-aggrieved helmsmen off steerage and assigning them to maintaining and romancing bilge pumps.

Helping even less is the fact that the ship has now been righted and once again the Panama Canal isn't pointing and laughing at Suez any more.

The Cladipus Licker reported that if Bidumb's depressed suckretary Jen Psuki circles back around to this too many times, she'll get the wedgie of a life time.

The Ever Given ran aground Tuesday in Suez, the narrow, man-made canal dividing fish over it's worth during salmon spawning, the Cladipus Licker wasted time reporting.

The 2021 brackets challenge left alleged experts, wokes and cancel culture types scrambling to find a way to cancel Space Jam without pissing off the Tasmanian Devil. “That's the LAST THING we need at the Suez Canal just now” quipped one soused anonymous.

Not Really Related Stories:

• Toilet Paper Limits, Empty Shelves Are Back as verbal dysentery at cnn Surges

• Report: Congress Using Too Much Toilet Paper, Heating AOC Into Ever Dumber Press Releases

© 2021 WTFNS. All rights in dispute most of the time.

Seymour sees a Pulitzer in his future.  I see him winning a roll of toilet paper.

 

Sumerians Return From The Dead...Meh

I have to laugh when I hear from overseas American embassies.

Or at least, emails claiming to be from American overseas embassies...which always promise me money.

 Here is the latest effort to give me the business from an overseas American embassy...in Nigeria:

From The Embassy of United State

Plot 1075 Diplomatic

 Drive Central District Area, Abuja.

Telephone: (234)-818227329.

Dear Sir/Madam.

We had received From Joe Biden Led Administration to Investigate and Remit all the Foreign Pending Transaction of all the United State Citizens and Ally. Forensic Analysis From Online Database reveals that Billion of Dollars are in Nigerian Foreign reserve Account and Most of these Pending are Pending Payment assigned to United State Citizens and Allies.

Further Investigations that Most of the beneficiaries Abandon their Transaction due to illiteracy and Ignorance cause by doubts and Fears. As an Embassy, It should be a general Notification to the general Public that your Security and Success remains our Concern so We wish to know the reasons why You abandon Such amount of money in a Foreign Country.

There three different Types of International Payment.

1 Contract Payment

2 Inheritance Payment

3 Compensation Payment.

INHERITANCE PAYMENT ;Inheritance Payment is a Fund assigned to specific beneficiary, Either through Personal deposit or Savings or Third Parties referral as Next of Kin. The Third Parties in questions May be Friends or well Wisher but It is the duty of the Financial Agency to Pay the next of Kin, When there is evidence of death from the Original depositor. In Most Cases, It is possible for Such deposit to be Made without the knowledge of the next of Kin. e.t.c

Note; The deposited Amount May be in Hundred or Thousands but Accumulated into Million depending on the Years it has been deposited on saved in the Bank. This is Called (Interest)

2 COMPENSATION PAYMENT................... A typical example of this Payment is related to Airline Company, Whenever there is Air crash, It is the Legal duty of the Airline Company to Pay the Families of the Airline Victim, Note that before departure, All Passengers are expected to fill in Manifest their nearest Person to Contact, If there is emergency  which is not even necessary their next of Kin but anyone that he feels, He have the details etc.

Finally, Affected Beneficiaries should respond as soon as possible to us with their fears and worries that has made them to abandon Such Amount of Money.

Finally, Affected beneficiaries are advised to reconfirm the following details.

1 Full Name.........................

2 Full Address.......................

3 Mobile Telephone Number................

4 Reasons For Abandoning Such Amount of Money.

 

God Bless America

Signed by the Management

American Embassy   

All the time and practice these scammers have put in, and yet they still can't craft a believable US Embassy email.

Give them texts and all they did was eat the teachers.

My scambaiting character made this one easy:  he edited their email, and was generous with pictures to lowlight the various and sundried points:

From The Embassy of The Long Dead Sumerian Empire

Plot 1800 BC Diplomatic Drive Central District Area

Abuja, Nigeria.

Telephone: (234)-818227329.

Dear Sir/Madam/assorted mental illnesses if claiming something other,

We had received From Joe Biden-Led Administration to Investigate all photos and videos of him falling up a flight of stairs.  This is pernicious academia cassis clay, a form of pottery associated with burial urns and outhouses.

Further Investigations that most if not all photo-genital memes originating from Newark are the product of abandoned Beanie Baby collections that turned out to have no collector value whatsoever, a scam that led to ignorance cause by doubts and cnn misreporting. As an embassy of a long-dead empire, it should be a genital mortification to the genital pubic that your security and success remains our primary goal to undermine through Dominion voting machine software and pictures of maligNANCY Pelosi leaving a Motel 6 at 3 am with an inflatable sex toy resembling Gerald 'Jabba' Nadler.  

We wish to know the reasons why you resist the dictates of cnn and refuse to believe orange man bad even after us telling you so repeatedly and falsely for more than four years.

But if you help rescue Princess Markle from the evil Duke of Piers Morgan, she's rich* and there are rewards greater than you or Han Solo will imagine, though the latter can imagine quite a bit after using the kind of hallucinogens that dreamt up a yeti-wookie.

* ...well, at least she sorta was...

Three things completely unrelated to this endeavor:

1 Contract Payment

2 Inheritance Payment

3 Constipation Payment.

INHERITANCE PAYMENT:  non sequitur...your facts are uncoordinated.  Unless you are the Creator, at which time you will be spared sterilization of imperfection. When there is evidence of death from the point of origin, a cosmic fart is usually suspect.  Please note that the IRS will sneeze this payment in full every time.

CONSTIPATION PAYMENT................... A typical example of this Payment is related to the ancient stories of the Babylonian constipated mathematician, who worked it out with a pencil.  Whenever there is Air crash, It is the Legal duty of the Airline Company to not use that particular pencil to calculate WTF caused the air crash.  This was particularly relevant prior to 1903 and even sometimes now in Burundi.

We don't delve into Contract Payment, as our Mafia here doesn't do contracts, being thoroughly illiterate.

Finally, infected beneficiaries are advised to reconfirm the following details.

1 Full Name.........................

2 Full Address.......................

3 Mobile Telephone Number................

4 Reasons For Abandoning life-size inflatable yak sex toys outside the home of Maxine 'Flapper Lips' Waters.

 

Signed by the Management

Long-Dead Sumerian Embassy

"E cannibus anus delectus corpse tussle"   

This reply back to the scammer(s) drew no further repartee, but it did get my character on several lists of the DNC...