Christmas Returns (from 2007)

UPDATE: see below original column!

As should come as no surprise to readers of this blog, my substandard and probable last entry for 2007 would find a way to tie together unwanted Christmas gifts, Ebenezer Scrooge and an email scammer, all into one nice neat bundle. Of course, if I were to actually wrap such, the last thing it would resemble would be a nice neat bundle (just ask the family), but I digress.

Yes, I received an unwanted Christmas gift. I'm sure that at times, most of us have over the years. You get something from someone that, quite frankly, thrills you to receive about as much as a porcupine enema. And I don't know anyone who's thrilled with one of those.

Some people find a place to hide or dispose of such unwanted gifts; others take them to a store where the item may have been purchased, and seek an exchange or refund. Still others use the time-honored practice of "regifting" it to someone else, usually with the best of intentions (not).

In my case, I took the wholly Christian attitude that giving is better than receiving, especially in this case. And giving back is better still, than allowing the original giver to give me the business she/he intended.

You see, on Christmas Eve night, I received an email. An email from Mrs. Sandra Watson (mrssandrawat@aim.com), entitled Endeavour To Use It For The Childern Of God. She, you see, was into the spirit of giving. Of giving me the business. And using the same stupid, plagiarized format, practically word for word, that I have been seeing since 2001. For instance:

I am married to Dr. Christopher Watson who worked in Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005 (only the year has changed). We were married for eleven years without a child (seed this afore *TOING*) He died after a brief illness that lasted only four days. Before his death were both born again Christians (seed this afore *TOING*). Since his death I decide not to remarry or get a child outside of my matrimonial home with the Bible is against (it has other issues with what she's doing here, but I note she easily overlooks that, and she goes on). When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 18Million USD with the BANK in Europe (seed this afore *TOING*).

And in keeping with the same stupid, plagiarized format, practically word for word, she goes on with Recently my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem (seed this afore *TOING*). Having known my condition I decided to donate the Fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. The bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth (I kinda rather suspect that He didn't mean "giveth the business...").

And from then on, it's the usual hokum about how I am her chosen "Christian individual" who will see to the needs of widows, orphans, Islamofascists, drunken orgies with 72 virgins, etc., by allocating this money as her last wishes dictate. With, of course, me keeping a percentage for my "good Christian selflessness" (aka, my being duped hyar).

Bottom line: I have seen this scam, almost word for word, I would estimate at least 50 times in the past few years. I have played it out for weeks a number of those times. But this is the first time I've received it as a Christmas gift, on the very eve of same.

Well, my spirit of giving is alive and well. So much so, that I feel personally unworthy of this gift. So unworthy, that I am moved to give this gift back, in a manure that befits a baaaaaaaaaad Skunk during the season of giving. Witness the following reply to our faux dying screwatrix:

My dear pre-corpse,
First of all, a Merry Christmas to you, too. I really don't mean that, I assure you.

Now, to the more important stuff. You were married for eleven years without child? Damn, girl. Your cherry got flies buzzing around it now? Next time, try marrying something other than an inflatable sex toy, and you might learn something about basic human biology sooner. I mean, c'mawn...neither the birds nor the bees operate in an inflatable mode. The parrot that sat on Inspector Clouseau's shoulder, well you saw what happened to it when all it did was leak, squeak and get pumped up. Don't you learn nuthin' from nature or movies?

As for the faux mortal disease that faux afflicts you, oh horsefeathers...if you'd had the sense Gawd gave a tree stump, you'd of used an alcohol wipe on the inflation tube you mistook for Mr. Happy, and you wouldn't a caught what you dun caught from your lip service to Who's Yo' Inflata-Daddy. While he was inflating like Otto from the movie Airplane!, you were picking up every gnarly practice he ever dun or thunk up to do via that thang.

Hell, Dr. Ruth had a book -- Sex For Dummies -- you ignorant wench! You can probably pick it up cheap on Amazon.com!

Still, it is Christmas, and you did say with genuine disingenuousness that you are a made-up born-again Christian of dubious antecedence and chicanerous tendencies, so I guess I should lower myself accordingly to meet you somewhere in the muddle.

See what I just did there? Oh, silly me...of course you don't. A tree stump wouldn't, either.

So let me ask you this: are you a moron by birth or choice? It's not a rhetorical question, though it could be if it's looped. Take your time answering, as I'm sure your handlers need to look up 95% of the words here.

All kidding and jest continued, I am returning this letter to you. Yes, I opened it; yes, I read it. So it's not brand-new anymore; it's used. It's devalued. It's depreciated. And it is sooooooooooooo passe. I first received this exact same letter back in 2001. That person was a wildebeest molester in drag; that's the example you want to pattern yourself after? Granted, I haven't seen your mirror image, and you might be perfectly at home there. The flies certainly would be (see what I just did there again?).

Perhaps your ability to be original is wanting; so you can't help but plagiarize your fellow scammers, having all the creative talent of a door knob. Oh, I'm sorry: you don't know what a door knob is. Don't you just hate when I do that?

Ho-ho-ho (bet you don't see what I just did there!)!

At any rate, Madam Sandra Watson, here is your effort to give me the business, returned to you. I am not worthy of your generosity. Truly, I am not. I would suggest you to be far more worthy than me. With such being the case -- no, don't be modest, you really ARE worthy of this and what follows -- print it out, place it in a self-addressed envelope, mail it to yourself, and upon receiving it, insert it width-wise up your chicanerous bunghole. It might cut down on the flies, albeit briefly.

And next time, send me something for Christmas I can actually use, you sorry shortness of breath!
Ebenezer Scrooge

Strangely enough, I got no reply from Mrs. Sandra Watson. But I did hear from the Ghost of Christmas Past, about my pathetic imitation of ol' Ebenezer. I found him to be as easily gotten rid of, by giving him the gift of telling him some of my really bad jokes, like "did you hear about the skeleton that clattered into a local bar, and ordered a beer and a mop...?".

*ducking boos and throwd bony-handled beer steins*

UPDATE: unexpectedly, I got a response from Mrs. Sandra Watson. As you will note, she don' like me vewy much:

Yo are stupd stupd man No writ me no again go hell.

Some people simply don't appeciate the practice of regifting...