Monday, December 29, 2008

A Guide to (Almost) No Surprises in '08

*This was originally posted on 1-3-08; let's take a look and see just how I dun h'yar, shall we?*

Wanna know what the future of '08 holds? A few think they know. Most would like to. A lot will make guesses about it. A few will be right. Most will be anywhere from right, to a little bit right, to wrong, to waaaaaaaaaaaaaay wrong. Some of them will enter the federal Psychic Witness Protection Program by the end of the year, ducking the many who want to sue over inaccurate predictions that cost $125/hour.
Speaking for this blog, don't waste your money on 1-900-PSYCHIC, cheap tabloids, newspaper astrology, Letterman's Top Ten of '08 List, or NostraCurlus (pictured, right). Just let ol' Skunk hyar do the foreseenin'.

Granted, I'm about as prescient as a popcorn fart; then again, even I have enough worldly experience to know in advance that a popcorn fart will clear an elevator. And with some of what passes for expertise in the official pundit world, it makes me "qualified" to pass along what follows. What's more, these predictions for the year ahead come with a guarantee*. How much better can it get than that?

So let's get right to it:

'08 will NOT be the year of the "Inevitable Hillary": despite all of Hil's, Bill's and the allied media efforts to inflate and keep afloat the bad ship Inevitable Hillary and her voyage toward Leftist-styled socialism, her negatives and Bill's inability to remember which lie he told to whom, when and where, will lead to a Republican returning to the White House in '08. She may not even get the nomination, all her spin and "inevitability" aside.
(I was half-right: Hillary isn't the President-elect; then again, neither is a Republican...1 out of 2).

Speaking of the White House: voters might barely return a Republican to the White House, avoiding a 90s revival of the Oral Office and Lincoln Bedroom orgies, but..."President Huckabee"? Don' think so. It'll more likely be an ex-mayor, ex-senator, or ex-governor, not that we're naming names.
(I was right that it ain't President Huckabee...but wrong on the party. 1 out of 2).

'08 will be the year of allegations of election fraud: especially when the Clintons lose. Moron.arg and ACORN will lead the charge, demanding that illegal aliens, cartoon characters, convicted felons, transients, college radicals under multiple aliases and dead people, were denied the right to vote for Hillary. The charge will be true. The demand for legal redress based on the charge will be crap, as heretofore and always.
(Since the Dems didn't lose, they weren't screaming fraud...this time. Missed that 'un).

'08 will be the year of the 'alternative energy source' breakthrough: as stability in the Middle East continues to move in the same direction as the positive opinion ratings of the US Congress, some obscure research facility in a secretive location will develop and perfect the first methane collector/converter for use in a wide variety of formats, effectively ending the need to import $100/barrel-plus oil from persons of dubious antecedence and weirder notions of camels. It will provide for methane-powered autos, aircraft, boats, ships, space craft, as well as residential and industrial power for perpetuity, or as long as Man and Bovine inhabit the Earth and/or Congress stays in session. Granted, getting bovines to take the passenger seat in your Miata or next to you on a 787 Dream (or Nightmare) Liner might prove a bit cumbersome, but there's always trade-offs. And to offset the olfactory downside, there'll be Glade Plug-ins.
(okay, so stability in the Middle East achieved marginally more success than Congressional ratings; the jury's still out on this particular alternative energy source, especially with Dems in win or loss here).

'08 will be the year that AlGore predicts Earth has surpassed the tipping point in the great Global Warming Scam: AlGore and his hysteria-for-profit crowd will decree that "it's too late", and that within 5-10 years, Mother Earth and every mother's son and daughter are doomed, unless drastic action is taken now. Meantime, he and his minions will secretly switch most of their investments into the company that makes Glade Plug-ins.
(I think I'm in on this one.)

'08 will be the year that war will continue, somewhere: yep. Too much ammo laying around to just let go to waste, and too many good terrorist targets out there to pass up on. Happy shooting! (Yawp...excluding Afghanistan and Iraq, there's all sorts of shooting all over Africa, and some in Asia...this one was like shooting fish in a bucket).

'08 will be the year that Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britany Spears, and other like-minded celebrities will make news: if the celebs themselves don't, the media will guaran-dang-tee that they do. Unless, of course, that the three aforementioned clean up their acts. Then they'll still make the news, as the media will openly speculate on how long before they fall off their respective wagons. And if they somehow don't, the media will report they did, anyway. Not that it matters, since none of the three can stay on a wagon, unless strapped to it.
(Win, place and show...I'm onna roll).

'08 will be the year that some legendary personalities will die: the Dolly cloning experiments proved that, as yet, you can't dig up and rejuvenate The Three Stooges. But '08 -- like a couple-three previous years -- will prove better for animated personalities; just ask the animated David Seville and his foils, Alvin and the Chipmunks.
(Bingo...another fish in a bucket one).

'08 will be the year that the US dollar stabilizes: at about the value of a quarter.
(Hmmm....not far from it...I'll score that one as good).

'08 will be the year that illegal immigration peaks and recedes: especially when the peso is worth more than the dollar.
(Ditto...dang, I'm good).

'08 will be the year of break-through, life-enhancing discoveries: for instance, the above alternative power source; abdominal exercisers that really work; a fool-proof answer for men to use when asked that dangerous question by their ladies, "is my butt getting fat?", and what may well be the life-enhancement for the history of Man/Womankind, the invention of a nuclear bomb that leaves intact buildings, plant and animal life, and normal human beings; it incinerates only lawyers. That one will probably earn a legitimate Nobel Peace Prize and will prove the greatest single invention of the past 10,000 years, replacing the wheel, fire and Chinese food takeout/delivery previously so designated.
(Well, there were some breakthroughs...just not the ones I listed...debit).

'08 will be the year that research studies continue to reveal to us the obvious: for example, a five year study of 1001 adults who consumed canned corn for at least one meal a week will die eventually, according to researchers at the Harvard School of Absolutely Ridiculous Studies For Federal Funding. They'll insist that more study (aka, taxpayer money) is needed to determine cause and effect. They'll most likely get it.
(This was another 'fish in a bucket' study...winner).

'08 will be the year that suicide bombers will be required to wear and clearly display warning labels: so will say the FDA; the ACLU will fight this, to be sure. They'll most likely seek to have it misadjudicated in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, at least until that aforementioned Nobel Peace Prize nuclear device is brought into play.
(I think I win this one: suicide bombers still aren't wearing warning labels, and the ACLU would have fought it tooth and nail, anyway...score another for me).

'08 will be the year that congressional 'ear marks' will be renamed: to something to try to conceal them again. It won't work. The practice will continue, regardless (until or unless the previous entry).
(I win this one hands down, especially with the Dems in charge..).

'08 will be the year that the Weekly World News predicts Hell freezing over, pigs flying, Big Foot learning the Macarena, carnivorous happy-footed penguins, and proving yet again that an alien U-boat -- disguised as an ice berg -- actually sank the RMS Titanic: oh, and yes, they'll predict the coming "end times" again. And again. And again. And the Alien that meets US Presidents and predicts presidential outcomes, will predict that Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich will not get their party nominations for President. Pretty intuitive feller.
(Another one for me...hooha).

'08 sports predictions: no one will break the MLB home run season or career marks, while waiting for the next generation of performance-enhancing steroids to be developed and concealed. Mike Tyson will try to come out of retirement after seeing Rocky XXI (he won't finish the first round against Candy, the steroided Wonder Gerbil). The Stanley Cup will be won by some team. There won't be any 8' players yet in the NBA (see the first prediction for why). The New York Jets will be predicted by some idiot to win the Super Bowl next season (they won't). Woody Paige will remain a pompous, loud-mouthed pinhead. Will Ferrell won't win the NASCAR Winston/Busch Cup title(s). The NCAA football national champion next season will almost be won by William & Mary, when new BCS standards are "fixed" yet again. Girls Gone Wild will be rejected as an Olympic sport in Beijing, causing widespread civil disobedience and bringing down the government, to Keith Olberman's petty annoyance.
(Doing good on all those but the William & Mary pick and bringing down the Chinese government...they might screw me up and get into the BSCS yet...if ACORN runs the voting).

'08 climate predictions: the icecaps won't melt, the ocean won't boil, the lakes and rivers won't run dry, and the planet won't sizzle like an egg on a frying pan. Of course, it'll snow and disrupt the snarf out of some parts of the country, early and late in the year. It will be unseasonably warm and dry in other parts. There will be floods, droughts, heat, wind, thunderstorms, downdrafts, wind sheer, microbursts, mesocyclonic supercell thunderstorms, sleet, ice storms, dust storms, and some damned fine weather here and there, throughout the year. When it comes to hurricanes, '08 will be the year that not one hurricane will be named Bitch, Ho or Prick, even where deserved.
(Dang, I'm good...)

'08 movie predictions: movies will be made. Some will suck. Some won't. Anything with Will Smith, Harrison Ford or Hilary Swank in it, probably won't suck. Anything with Ben Affleck or Rosie O'Donnell, probably will.
(Dang, I'm good again..)

'08 TV predictions: some will be made, once the writer strike fades like a popcorn fart on the wind. Some will suck. Some won't. Most of the 'reality' TV shows will suck, regardless of who's writing for them.
(Subjective, but I think I score here, too..)

'08 astronomical predictions: Man won't yet walk on Mars, but AlGore will blame us for global warming there, anyway. Uranus won't attack Earth. An asteroid won't destroy the south side of Chicago, IL, much as it needs a face-lift.
(Yes, yes and yes...)

'08 religious predictions: radical Islamofascists will continue to suck. Jesus Christ will not have a reunion tour with the Twelve Disciples across America in a '47 Houston, despite some Mormon claims otherwise. South Park will remain thoroughly irreverent. Tom Cruise will continue to stew at South Park and Germany over their dissing of Scien-talltale-ogy, and it will affect his lackluster acting. Pastor Gas DVDs will still be found on the Internet, somewhere. The rest of us will do what we do. Amen.
(Shore 'nuff on all counts..)

So there you have it, folks: your guide to what to expect in '08, guaranteed*.

I did so good there, perhaps I might just do it again in '09...if I can find the predictive 8-ball I used last January...

* Disclaimer: you are guaranteed that if any/all of these predictions don't come to pass in '08, they will in some year that ends in some number...we just didn't specify in which CENTURY or parallel DIMENSION. And since it didn't cost you anything but time to visit this blog, we will be happy to offer you a time-back guarantee, soon as our alcoholic scientists at Bonco, UnInc., finish trouble-shooting and perfecting that Time Accelerator/Decelerator/Reclamation Device of theirs (coming in a future entry...or a past entry, soon as they figure out where it went on a test flight...).


Blogger Stacy said...

I bow before your greatness, oh, Enlightened One.

Are you sure you've never worked for the psychic hotline?

04 January, 2008 09:32  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

Will I get to meet my Mr. Right this year, oh great skunk?

Who do you think will be president?

I really don't think Hilary will make it this time. But we or the next generation after us may see a woman in the white house. What is your opinion?

Do you think we'll see a black man in the white house ever?

Take into consideration, a white woman and a black man are trying to get the presidential nomination. When has that ever happened in history?

04 January, 2008 16:58  
Blogger Jack K. said...

I can now sleep much better, thanks to your enlightened predictions. lol

04 January, 2008 17:07  
Blogger Two Dogs said...

Dammit, I was enjoying that until I ran across the words, "Woody Paige." I then flew into a white hot rage and kicked a baby.

I can guarantee that Clinton will not win. Never have that many Dems turned out for a Iowa Caucus and they blatantly didn't vote for Clinton. Obama won by over 8% over Edwards, Clinton was two back from the panty-wearing booty-boy.

04 January, 2008 21:23  
Blogger Debbie said...

I hope you are right about the Republicans and the White House. On the celebs, I don't want to hear anything at all about them. Could care less.

Happy Prognostications!

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

05 January, 2008 08:47  
Blogger Monica said...

Well, Skunkypoo, you know I'm not one to keep quiet about my beliefs even in hindsight...I'm with you on all but the Clinton stuff.

To me any Clinton is worth 3 in a Bushs and we've had three Bush terms. With the petulant boy who cried foul in the White House now saying the soldiers in war and their survivors do NOT deserve a pay increase but his rich buddies do deserve a 15% tax cut, he just confirms what you knew that I knew all along. And I'll say it again: if he had spent half the energy going after Bin Laden that he did Saddam, he would have gone down in history as a much more respected President. Every President seems to have some sort of scandal about him but this one cost a lot of young lives.

So I'm with you on the rest of your predictions, kiddo...just not the Clinton one.

And I am SO gonna laugh and say I told you so if you end up with a Mrs. Russianette by the end of the year. LOL.

05 January, 2008 12:10  
Blogger Cow Lady said...

Glad to see someone has enough foresight to see the good the bovines are doing by contributing their methane. Methane will indeed become a precious resource! Mooooo!

05 January, 2008 16:02  
Blogger Raggedy said...

Great Skunsterdictions!
Happy New Year!
Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) huggles
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

06 January, 2008 00:25  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

Oh, great Oracle, Jean Dixon would bow before you.

Great stuff!

06 January, 2008 16:44  
Blogger Herb said...

Wow. You should sell that to the Enquirer and be a prophet for profit!

07 January, 2008 05:13  
Blogger Debbie said...

Since your predictions are so accurate, what do you think about the future for Republicans???

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

30 December, 2008 12:19  
Blogger Monica said...

Hi Friend. Guess who? I'm back and my first book signing is coming up!

I will give the wherewithal and all soon.

Here's my new blog!

31 December, 2008 13:22  
Blogger Monica said...

oops, HERE is my new blog

31 December, 2008 13:23  
Anonymous Static Brain said...

Happy New Years

31 December, 2008 14:57  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Impressive. Very impressive. You should be our next President. :-)

31 December, 2008 15:56  
Blogger Serena said...

You did a pretty good job with your '08 prognostications. So, what are you seeing for '09? Happy New Year, Skunky.:)

31 December, 2008 17:17  
Blogger Debbie said...

Happy New Year Skunkfeathers.

I wish you wealth (from your scammers, heh), health, and happiness.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

31 December, 2008 20:13  
Blogger Mayden' s Voyage said...

Happy, Happy New Year :)
I loved the disclaimer... now if you can tell me how to scoot off to another dimension I'll be on my way :)
My very best to you- I look forward to reading you in 2009!

31 December, 2008 20:43  

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