"Deer Santuh"?

'Tis the season again.

In the news, two town councils in Colorado have acted to, in essence, ban Christmas decorations on state-owned properties, opting for generic "holiday" themes, so as not to offend anyone. One of the towns wound up rethinking the move..for now. The other -- Golden, CO -- went with the ban. A private homeowner can decorate as they like (for now), but the City is "holiday-neutral".

So are a few elementary schools, scattered about metro Denver, under the "No Non-believers Left Behind" policy, or some such.

Some kids' parents' elected officials.

Anyway, someone sent me an email containing a letter, purported written by a six year old, to "Santuh". I don't know if the letter is real or made-up, but it cracked me up, and I'm going to share it here. For those of you who are politically correct, you can raise your hackles in comments. For those who aren't...enjoy:

Deer Santuh,

My teechur sez I am knot suphosed too rite too yu and ax fore anything fore Kristmus. She sez to all ov us that we kant sez anything abowt Kristmus or yu, bekauz knot everywun selebrats it, and it iznt fare too them what dont selebrate it, fore the rest ov us too bring it up. She sez for us knot to be shellfish this yeer ("shellfish"? Mwhahahahaha).

Insted, hour teechur sez that we is suphosed too rite too hour new presadent, Barrack Obamuh, and ax him fore something gud fore all of us. This iz the list ov things we git too ax fore:

- no moor oil bekauz its not gud fore the outside

- no moor coal, bekauz fore the same reesin

- werld peece

- fore himsef too rase tax on rich peeple, bekauz they haf all the muny and its knot fare too pour peeple

- fore us too be nice too the peeple in the Middal Eest, bekauz they wood stawp killing us if we wood just be nice too them

- make moor unyuns, bekauz we kant trust bidness and unyuns need moor muny too spend too make more elekted peeple that like unyuns

- pass a lawh that makes consurvatives illeegul, bekauz they are meen-spiruted

- make skool moor fuhn bye getting rid ov tests

- opin the bordurs bekauz white peeple owe everywun else repairashuns

- teech Izlamb so the mad peeple in the Middal Eest will stawp being mad at us

- make biggur guvermint so we kan haf hellth kare in the yuniverse

So I rit like my teecher sez too hour new presadent and ax him fore werld peece, I think.

But I did whant too rite too yu, Santuh, bekauz I stil beleev in yu, and will haf the cookees wating fore yu in the sam plase.

And I hop yu wont mind if I ax yu fore something, even if it iz shellfish like my teechur sez. Santuh, kan yu bring me a new teechur? Mine iz kinda stoopud I think.

Thanx, Santuh!

I'd say throw in a spell check with the non-stupid teacher, and the kid's got himself a good Christmas wish!

At any rate, real or not, this letter deserves an answer. An answer from Santa. And while I ain't Santa, I reckon that with all the letters Santa and his little ankle-biter elves are inundated under just now, I can get away with answering at least this one on his behalf. So:

My dear lad/lass,

I was very moved by your Christmas wish letter, after having it deciphered, and I am going to, of course, grant this wish with expedience. You will receive your new teacher -- complete with dedication to basic education and a complete anathema to the politics of teachers' unions -- Christmas Eve night. Care and feeding instructions included, so that you may have years of enjoyment and benefit from your new teacher. A much better experience than was had with that hamster-crossed-with-a-piranha thing, two years ago. Sorry 'bout that one. Elves sometimes design the darndest things. That elf is still on polar bear pooper-scooper patrol, 'til he has a better grasp of gift design, but I digress.

I am also granting you, and all the children of the world, something I grant every year, but appears to be needed more than ever right now: a matching set for you and those nearest and dearest. Love. Understanding. Compassion. Care. And most of all, forgiveness. It starts within you, and is shared freely. Give what you expect, and be the friend you want to have.

I like smiles at Christmas time, and this year more than any recently, smiles are needed. See? I knew I could get one out of you. Uh, you've got a piece of french fry in your teeth....that's better. What a wonderful smile.

In fact, I'll live up to my gift and start by pardoning that recalcitrant elf for the hamster/piranha thing. Long as he doesn't try to design piranha footwarmers, that is.

And yes, you may leave the cookies in the same place. Remember, I like chocolate chip/butterscotch chip cookies, with a cup of fresh 100% Colombian coffee. And apples for the reindeer. It gives them gas, something they need this night. I just don a mask and deal widdit. Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to those who appreciate it! Merry Christmas to those who don't ;-)