Hotel Canadaforlornia

Who knows...it might even look like this.

Got another of those online employment offers, this time from an alleged luxury hotel in Canada.

Probably equipped with hot and cold running moose.  Squirrel extra (see surcharges).

Here's the ploy:


  STRATFORD HOTEL CANADA
                                                      107 Erie Street, Stratford, Ontario
                                                                N5A 2M5 Canada
                                                Tele- +1416-628-2951 -Fax +1416-628-2951.
                                              Email: humanresources@stratfordhotel-ca.com


ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAREER WHERE YOUR OPINIONS AND IDEAS MATTER? WE ARE LOOKING FOR BRIGHT GRADUATES/POST GRADUATES BETWEEN AGES 22 AND ABOVE Y WITH EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION AND MANAGERIAL SKILLS AND AN APTITUDE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICES.

CANDIDATES WOULD BE REQUIRED TO POSSES  GOOD INTER-PERSONAL SKILLS AND A PASSION TO KEEP LEARNING WHILE DELIVERING EFECTIVE SERVICES TO OUR MUMEROUS CUSTOMERS,YOU WILL BE WORKING PRIMARILY IN ROTATING DAY SHIFTS,WITH OCCASIONAL NIGHT SHIFTS.

VACANCIES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOLLOWING DEPUTATIONS:

1.    MANAGERS/ASSISTANT MANAGERS
2.    COMPUTER OPERATORS/SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
3.    ACCOUNTANTS
4.    SECURITY
5.    LINGUISTS
6.    CASHIERS
7.    ESCORTS
8.    CHEFS
9.    SUPERVISOR TRAINERS
10.  WAITERS
11.  CLEANERS

ENTITLEMENTS, BENEFITS & PACKAGES:
A VERY ATTRACTIVE NET SALARY PAID IN USD [UNITED STATE DOLLARS].
QUALITY SINGLE OR FAMILY HOUSING ACCOMODATIONS IN HOTEL VICINITY.
FREE MEDICAL CARE FOR EMPLOYEE AND FAMILY HERE IN CANADA.
EXCELLENT EDUCATIONAL ASSISTANCE BENEFITS WITH FAMILY STAUS EMPLOYMENT.
PAID AIRFARES ALLOWING FULL FLEXIBILITY WITH HOLIDAYS.   
PERSONAL EFFECTS SHIPMENTS AND EXCESS BAGGAGE ALLOWANCES
FULL ACCESS TO SOME OF THE BEST RECREATIONAL FACILITIES IN CANADA
LIFE INSURANCES.
OFFICIAL VEHILCLES /MAXIMUM SECURITY IN WORK ENVIRONS AND HOUSING COMMUNITY.

JOB STATUS:
FULL TIME AND CONTRACT [PLEASE INDICATE WHEN APPLYING].


SALARY INDICATION:

3,919.34 USD TO 7,055.29 USD MONTHLY DEPENDING UPON EXPERIENCE,FIELD OF SPECIALIZATION.INTERESTED CANDIDATES SHOULD PLEASE SEND THEIR RESUMES BY EMAIL  AND ADDRESSED TO, THE  CLERK INTERCONTINENTAL HOTEL CANADA. PLEASE SEND YOUR RESUMSE TO (Email: humanresources@intercontinentalhoteling.com)

REGARDS
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER,
INTERCONTINENTAL HOTEL CANADA.  


That's what it looked like when it arrived h'yah; here's what it looked like when it was replied to th'yah:


STREP THROAT HOTEL CANADA
                                                      107 Eriee Street, Strep Throat, Offtario
                                                                N5A 2M5 Canada
                                                Tele- +1416-628-2951 -Fax +1416-628-2951.
                                              Email: humanresources@stratfordhotel-ca.com


ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAR WITH EARS?  ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A SPOUSE WHERE YOUR OPINIONS AND IDEAS MATTER? BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WE ARE LOOKING FOR (not so) BRIGHT GRADUATES/POST GRADUATES BETWEEN THE IQs of 22 AND 25 WITH DUBIOUS COMMUNICATION SKILLS, THE MANAGEMENT STYLE OF ADOLPH HITLER AND AN APTITUDE FOR FOULING WHATEVER THEY TOUCH WHEN IT COMES TO CUSTOMER SERVICES.

CANDIDATES WOULD BE REQUIRED TO POSSESS A GOAT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND MAKE ITS HEAD SPIN 360 DEGREES AT LEAST TWICE.  YOU WILL BE WORKING PRIMARILY 24/7 AT SLAVE WAGES THOUGH WITH ACCESS TO ONE OF THE FEW FLUSHING TOILETS IN THIS PART OF OFFTARIO...IF AND WHEN WE GET IT UNPLUGGED.  MEANTIME, WE HAVE BOUNTIFUL TREES FOR YOU TO GO BEHIND.  CONSIDER THE RUN BACK BEING CHASED BY A PISSED MOOSE/BEAR AS PART OF OUR EMPLOYEE EXERCISE INCENTIVE (YOU RUN FAST, YOU DON'T GET ET).  

VACANCIES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOLLOWING DEPUTATIONS:

1.    DEPUTATION 1
2.    DEPUTATION 2 (MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE IN DEPUTATION 1)
3.    DEPUTATION 3 (MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE IN DEPUTATION 1 AND 2)
4.    SECURITY (MUST BE DEPUTATION)
5.    LINGUISTS (EXPERIENCE WITH SPAGETTI AND RIGATONI MIGHT HELP)
6.    CASHIERS (MUST HAVE BEEN ARRESTED BY OUR DEPUTATIONS AT LEAST ONCE)
7.    ESCORTS (ONLY BABES APPLY; WHO WANTS TO BE ESCORTED BY HILLARY CLINTON...EWWWW)
8.    CHEFS (SWEDISH CHEFS THAT "IN DEE FURR DE CHEEKIN" MUST TAKE REMEDIAL AZERBAJANI 101)
9.    SUPERVISOR TRAINERS (MUST HAVE SUPERVISED TRAINS FOR AT LEAST 3 YEARS)
10.  WAITERS (ALL OF OUR PEOPLE ARE PROCRASTINATORS)
11.  CLEANERS (WE ALREADY HAVE ALL THE DIRTIERS WE CAN MANAGE)

ENTITLEMENTS, BENEFITS & PACKAGES:
A VERY ATTRACTIVE NET YOU CAN USE TO CATCH FISH (YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WE WERE GOING TO FEED YOU, AY).
QUALITY SINGLE OR FAMILY HOUSING ACCOMODATIONS IN AN APPLIANCE BOX WE SAVED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
FREE MEDICAL CARE FOR EMPLOYEE AND FAMILY AT A CLINIC IN UPSTATE USA (IT AIN'T REALLY FREE WHEN YOU GET A LOAD OF THE DEDUCTIBLES OBOLA RATCHETED THINGS UP TO DOWN THERE...WHAT A PUTZ).
EXCELLENT EDUCATIONAL ASSISTANCE BENEFITS WITH THINGS LIKE RIOT SHOPPING, WELFARE 101, COMMIE CORE MATH MADE OBFUSCATORY AND INTRODUCTORY WHAT WERE AMERICANS THINKING IN 2008/2012 101.
PAID AIRFARES ON TRAINED PTERYDUCKTYLS OF JURASSIC AIR SERVICES.   
PERSONAL EFFECTS SHIPMENTS TO YOUR NEXT OF KIN
FULL ACCESS TO WHAT'S LEFT OF SOME OF THE BEST RECREATIONAL FACILITIES IN SYRIA
LIFE EXPECTANCIES HALVED (SOMEONE'S GOT TO FEED THE BEARS).
OFFICIAL VEHILCLES (A LATE MODEL DOMESTICATED MOOSE WITH A SADDLE)

/MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON FACILITIES (YOU'LL SEE WHY)

JOB STATUS:
FULL TIME, CONTRACT AND WTF [PLEASE INDICATE WTF YOUR CHOICE IS]

CELERY OPTIONS:

WE ONLY GOT ONE KIND AY?  INTERESTED CANDIDATES (are morons) AND SHOULD PLEASE SEND THEIR RESUMES BY EMAIL  AND ADDRESSED TO, THE  CLERK INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC HOSTEL CANADA. PLEASE SEND YOUR RESUMSE TO (Email: humanresources@intercontinentalhoteling.com)

REGARDS
HUMAN RACEHORSES MISMANAGER,
INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC HOSTEL CANADA.  

Think that I'll get a job offer?  I'll even throw in Seymour as a door stop.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Even in West Virginia, he heard me.