Shouldn't (be allowed to) Answer Phones

No, he isn't reacting to me. Unless he's the telethinger the other evening, then this is probably close to how I went over widdem.

As a few who know me have learned, I don't generally answer my phone. I let it ring until voice mail picks up, check the call back number, and if it's one I know, call it back immediately. Most often, it's a telemousketeer, or sometimes a bill collector (a lot of different-named folks have apparently used my number as theirs with bill collectors, judging from all the calls I get for persons with last names Garcia, Rodriquez, Gomez, Rivera, et al).

So I do, at least, try to make my voice messages somewhat entertaining. At present, a caller will be told by Groucho Marx, "I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company". A week ago, Groucho mused "Y'know you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle".

Yeah, I know...most young 'uns have no clue what a phonograph needle is.

I also have a treasure trove of Three Stooges bites that grace my voice message system. But once in a while, I have a *TOING* moment when the phone rings...and I answer it.

Granted, I'm not always sure how I'm going to answer it...that depends on (a) the ring tone and (b) what I hear in the seconds after I've picked it up. But last Monday night, I decided to answer it -- based on the ring tone, that told me it was long distance -- in German. Any of you who know me, know that I don't speak German. But I never let that stop me at times like this. And it went downhill from there (a recap of call as best as I can reconstruct it from memory):

Me: Bitte?

Them: *sound of people in background*..Yes, I am calling to speak with Mr (some name I've never heard of)...

Me: Bitte gefallen undt veerkendorken florken?

Them: *person on other end talking to someone*...uh yes, is this Mr. (whomever)?

Me: Nein undt no vayunsee...ist das Ben Dover, ja. Vas ist los?

Them: *asking someone in background something*...sir...sir, do you uh, do you speak English?

Me: Englander? Ver nein kaputen blorken dorfen! Sprechen Douche midde touche Bavarian undt schtuff. Vhyensee?

Them: *says something I don't catch*..Sir, I am not in a mood for games here...I represent (some bill collecting agency), and I insist on speaking to Mr. (whozeewhatzits)...

Me: Vassen das putchen schovin' midde spitzen sparken, hundsfott? Ich bich en flieger schiesse undt schtuff, putten scootin vinken blinken undt nodden!

Them: *says to someone "I've got a real nutjob here", followed by unintelligible chatter* Sir, are you Mr. (flubbengiver or something akin)?

Me: Ach two livers, neinen das fluken vorken douchen spitzen! Mein ahelm, bitte fallen on das facen midde splatten floppen!

Them: *very annoyed now* Sir, if you are NOT Mr. (fleegenvorken or whatever) I would appreciate a straight answer. I am very busy...

Me: Antwort? ANTWORT? Herr Fartfignewton, das dumkopf ist du, ja! Alles kaput, ja! Seig snarfen poopen!

Them: *had enough*..thanks for nothing!

Me: Awpeterstain, Herr Poodle Lipszen...*he hangs up*

Perhaps he or one of his cohorts will call back at some point. It isn't likely they'll get to speak to my faux German again (Seymour, my pet rock, spent the whole conversation giving me one of those "puh-LLEASE...you sound so STUPID with that accent!" looks). It might be my Chinese. Or my redneck (best of my worst). Or my very baaaaaad retired British brigadier.

But most likely, he or his cohorts will get to speak to my voice message. Perhaps my next selection will be Black Adder (Rowan Atkinson), evicting Baldric:

Baldric: But my lord, I'm been in your family since 1532...

BlackAdder: So has syphilis, now get OUT...

At least it'll be easier for whomever calls, to understand...