Monday, January 25, 2010

Shouldn't (be allowed to) Answer Phones


No, he isn't reacting to me. Unless he's the telethinger the other evening, then this is probably close to how I went over widdem.
As a few who know me have learned, I don't generally answer my phone. I let it ring until voice mail picks up, check the call back number, and if it's one I know, call it back immediately. Most often, it's a telemousketeer, or sometimes a bill collector (a lot of different-named folks have apparently used my number as theirs with bill collectors, judging from all the calls I get for persons with last names Garcia, Rodriquez, Gomez, Rivera, et al).
So I do, at least, try to make my voice messages somewhat entertaining. At present, a caller will be told by Groucho Marx, "I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company". A week ago, Groucho mused "Y'know you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle".
Yeah, I know...most young 'uns have no clue what a phonograph needle is.
I also have a treasure trove of Three Stooges bites that grace my voice message system. But once in a while, I have a *TOING* moment when the phone rings...and I answer it.
Granted, I'm not always sure how I'm going to answer it...that depends on (a) the ring tone and (b) what I hear in the seconds after I've picked it up. But last Monday night, I decided to answer it -- based on the ring tone, that told me it was long distance -- in German. Any of you who know me, know that I don't speak German. But I never let that stop me at times like this. And it went downhill from there (a recap of call as best as I can reconstruct it from memory):
Me: Bitte?
Them: *sound of people in background*..Yes, I am calling to speak with Mr (some name I've never heard of)...
Me: Bitte gefallen undt veerkendorken florken?
Them: *person on other end talking to someone*...uh yes, is this Mr. (whomever)?
Me: Nein undt no vayunsee...ist das Ben Dover, ja. Vas ist los?
Them: *asking someone in background something*...sir...sir, do you uh, do you speak English?
Me: Englander? Ver nein kaputen blorken dorfen! Sprechen Douche midde touche Bavarian undt schtuff. Vhyensee?
Them: *says something I don't catch*..Sir, I am not in a mood for games here...I represent (some bill collecting agency), and I insist on speaking to Mr. (whozeewhatzits)...
Me: Vassen das putchen schovin' midde spitzen sparken, hundsfott? Ich bich en flieger schiesse undt schtuff, putten scootin vinken blinken undt nodden!
Them: *says to someone "I've got a real nutjob here", followed by unintelligible chatter* Sir, are you Mr. (flubbengiver or something akin)?
Me: Ach two livers, neinen das fluken vorken douchen spitzen! Mein ahelm, bitte fallen on das facen midde splatten floppen!
Them: *very annoyed now* Sir, if you are NOT Mr. (fleegenvorken or whatever) I would appreciate a straight answer. I am very busy...
Me: Antwort? ANTWORT? Herr Fartfignewton, das dumkopf ist du, ja! Alles kaput, ja! Seig snarfen poopen!
Them: *had enough*..thanks for nothing!
Me: Awpeterstain, Herr Poodle Lipszen...*he hangs up*
Perhaps he or one of his cohorts will call back at some point. It isn't likely they'll get to speak to my faux German again (Seymour, my pet rock, spent the whole conversation giving me one of those "puh-LLEASE...you sound so STUPID with that accent!" looks). It might be my Chinese. Or my redneck (best of my worst). Or my very baaaaaad retired British brigadier.
But most likely, he or his cohorts will get to speak to my voice message. Perhaps my next selection will be Black Adder (Rowan Atkinson), evicting Baldric:
Baldric: But my lord, I'm been in your family since 1532...
BlackAdder: So has syphilis, now get OUT...
At least it'll be easier for whomever calls, to understand...

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14 Comments:

Blogger She Writes said...

NEVER have I known someone to have so much fun with perfect strangers. Of course, they aren't really *perfect* are they :)?

25 January, 2010 02:26  
Blogger slommler said...

ROFL!! Thanks for making my morning so enjoyable! I love "pranks" on phone menaces!
Hugs
SueAnn

25 January, 2010 04:03  
Blogger Jack K. said...

ROTFLMAO!!!

Great, good sport with the telemarketeers.

I really enjoy the robo-calls. As soon as I hear, "This is Senator So-n-so", I hang up. I am an equal opportunity hanger-upper. snerx.

25 January, 2010 05:45  
Blogger Andy said...

Bwahahahahahaha! Hey, thanks for the idea Skunks!

25 January, 2010 07:21  
Blogger Sandee said...

Remind me never to call you. I don't speak or understand German either, but my husband does. I'll have him call you. Bwahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

25 January, 2010 07:25  
Blogger Eva Gallant said...

You are too funny! What a great thing to do to annoying phone callers!

25 January, 2010 07:41  
Blogger Debbie said...

Our Direct DVR automatically shows who is calling and the number on the TV screen when a cal comes in. That way my Grouch knows whether he wants to pick up or not.

We don't get many solicitation calls any more. We started putting everyone on the "no call" list. When we get one now, he immediately tells them "do not call back again and put us on your no call list. If you call us after that you will be fined."


Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

25 January, 2010 07:45  
Blogger Monica said...

Happy Birthday, Skunk...hey everyone, check out my post on Skunk!!!! Yeah, I told it all, Skunkypoo.

25 January, 2010 08:14  
Blogger Serena said...

Dang, I wish I could speak German.:)

It's your BIRTHDAY?! Well, Happy Birthday!!

25 January, 2010 19:03  
Anonymous Leeuna said...

Happy B-Day Skunk. Thanks for the ideas on phone etiquette. I'm going to try that the next time a bill collector calls me. You're hilarious!

26 January, 2010 14:35  
Blogger Herb said...

Did that say birthday? Well, Happy undt Birthday. Das ist olden-timers, ja?

27 January, 2010 11:56  
Blogger jenniferw said...

Ever tell you I met Bobby Knight once, long long ago? In Bloomington. Another life.

We don't answer our phone either. We have nothing to say to bill collectors.

28 January, 2010 11:46  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just talk to them in sign language and they think no one is there. Imagine that...

28 January, 2010 23:08  
Blogger Nishant said...

Thanks for making my morning so enjoyable! I love "pranks" on phone menaces!

Work from home India

08 February, 2010 08:04  

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