The Future, Composted Today

A recent 'future-looking' article in Yahoo News caused me to give the scammers another brief break from my abusing them, so I could abuse this story.

The original story was about the eventual cosmic "collision" between our galaxy and the Andromeda galaxy that's definitely coming to a world like ours.

In about 4 billion years or so.

*Yawn*

I coulda told Yahoo News that we have more and pressing 'immediate threats' in the Mayan Calendar, but I digress.

Instead, I had a little fun with the article:

Note from the original authors: We have no idea what the hell happened here. We were trying to discuss something billyuns and billyuns of years from now...

 Note from the re-editor: We know that, that’s why we’re hijacking this story for our own ends, and not those billyuns and billyuns of years from now...neener neener boo phfffft....

Four billion years from now, the Milky Way galaxy as we know it will no longer be a part of our conscious memories, because we – all of us h’yah today – will be dead. This is bad crap, folks, and we need to start planning for it NOW:The Milky Way Brand candy bars are bound for the junk heap, because Michael Bloomberg wants to outlaw all sugar everywhere. What a schmuck.
Be that as it may, there was something totally immaterial about the alleged fact that our similarly-named galaxy is bound for a head-on collision with the similar-sized Andromeda galaxy, researchers with apparently nothing better to do than try to scare us with s**t so far into the freaking future that it ain’t even been parodied on Science Fiction Theatre 3000 yet, announced today (May 31).

At which time, these bored researchers speculate, the huge galactic smashup will create an entirely new cosmic stew of dubious asteroidalcedence with lots of random chunks that will do all sorts of astrostuff in spacial and celestial ways we can only guess about, ‘cuz we’ll all be dead long before this s**t happens.

"Long have we studied and speculated on the probabilities, causations and likely scenarios that would contribute to the inevitable cancellation of Super Bowl Four Billion Fifty" Rowan van Martin, of the Space Flatulence As Speculative Junk Science Institute in Baltimore, told reporters today. "However, what makes the future merger of the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky Way so special is that Berkshire-Hathaway and Facebook will have not one thing to do with the initial IPO that goes with it".
 Astronomers have long known that the Milky Way and Andromeda -- which is also known as a huge crapload of orbiting and elliptically pulsating stuff of all sorts of origins we’ve seed in science class, when not trying to look up Mary Lou’s short skirt – are barrelling toward one another at a speed of about 250,000 mph (aka, pretty f**king fast). They have also long suspected that the two galaxies may slam into each other in something not unlike one of the many ways that the creators of South Park are constantly destroying their town, only to have it reconstituted the next week, as if nothing happened the previous one.

However, such discussions of the future galactic crash have always remained somewhat speculative, because scientists here have been spending more time trying to figure out how to make flatulence experiments become research projects to get stimulus money out of Nobama’s stash — a key component in keeping from having to get real jobs.

And that remains the case for as long as it can be managed.

Rowan van Martin and his colleagues on Laugh In (shown on YouTube) used some kind of deep space peeping device  to repeatedly observe select windows of a nearby girl’s dormitory over a seven-year period until caught when submitting excerpts for a Girls Gone Wild In The Cosmos video. They were able to s**t some ridiculous excuse quick to local authorities -- about speculative measurements of a possible galactic collision in four billion years, along with an offer of Krispy Kreme donuts -- to keep from being shut down.

"The Andromeda Twins...er...I mean galaxy, is gyrating straight in our direction," Rowan van Martin said. "You can bet your bippy on that!", a comment leaving millions of college students scrambling to research 1960s slang.

The galaxies will collide, and it will be George Dubya Bush’s fault, because the Nobama Campaign will have left that message in a time capsule that they are directing be dug up from wherever they buried the truth about global warming, four billion years from now".

Rowan van Martin is such a hoot.

By the time that merger has run its course, Rowan van Martin added – about 6 billion years from now – "we’ll all still be dead, so it’s important we hear about s**t that no one’s really totally sure about, because we hate to miss out on s**t like that".

Such a dramatic event has never occurred in the long history of our Milky Way, which libtards in this particular scenario also blame on Bush, Reagan, Bush, Ford, Nixon, and Sue Ellen Brown, who always wore slacks to science class instead of a short skirt, ruining Rowan van Martin’s fun.

"The Milky Way has had, probably, quite a lot of competitors in the candy world," said Rosemary Wyseass of John ‘N Hopkins 300 Tofu Flavors in Baltimore, who was not affiliated with the new study. "But this...uh...did I just have a blonde moment?"

The look on the faces of Rowan van Martin & Company suggests she did.

The merger poses no real danger of destroying Earth, any more than dinosaur farts did, researchers said. The stretches of empty space separating the ears of vacuous thinkers like Joy Behar and Bill Maher will remain vast, making any intelligent comments unlikely.

However, our solar system will likely get booted out to a different position in the new galaxy, which none of us today will have to worry about, because "we’ll all have been deader than cans of corned beef long before this happens", researchers with some degree of certainty, speculate.

A new something-er-other

 What will all this mean for any humanoids still extant around 3.75 billion years from now?

Probably a whole new series of stupid "reality" TV programming, such as Dancing With The Stars: The Black Holes Competition, and other such prime time crap. Which a future judge on such a show – some test tube antecedenced version of Simon Cowell, no doubt – will say, then as now, "that was bloody awful, and the biggest suck performance I have ever seen", sending a black hole in tears back to the cosmic projects.

And for the next few billion years after that, we’ll all still be dead, but what passes for stargazers then will be spellbound by trying to figure out why anyone bothered to think Ben Affleck could act in Pearl Harbor.

Finally, by about 7 billion years from now, we’ll still all be dead, and none of this will mean light speed douchenozzles to us.

"In the end, it’s really all about anything we can come up with today, to get us tax payer money tomorrow, so we don’t have to go on welfare next week" said John Gruns van der Pluminfeld, associate director of bar supplies at the NASA Science Mission Directorate Pub ‘n Lounge, and a former cocktail waitress there widely known as Gloria Fluffy Allred.

"It's like, wow, you know, so really...like dude, so totally f**king cosmic, you know" Gruns van der Pluminfeld gigglingly added, lapsing into his former identity when he forgets his hormone shots, "We like, you know, so totally say, like wow, dude, it’s the bomb to think about this s**t and say, it’s so totally rad, my beeyotch! Like wow, where was I going with this?"

I’ll bet you’re all wondering that, too... ;-)

Mooned After 100 Years

Vindication after 100 years? For whom?

Just short of the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic -- popularized by Hollyweird and on Broadway within the past 20 years -- yet another theory about how the "unsinkable" ship...got sunk.

Back in 1912, it was blamed on an iceberg and a complacent captain.

In the late 1960s, blame was momentarily shifted directly onto the captain, after he was pointedly warned by two time travelers that appeared unexpectedly on his ship, and he chose to lock them up rather than believe their pending story of woe. Unfortunately for him, it was the first episode of the show, and he obviously missed the previews. The ship refused to woa, went onto hit the iceberg, the captain went down with the ship and 1,516 other souls, and the two time travelers went onto bounce through variations of history and credibility for two complete seasons.

In the late 1970s, Weekly World News came out with an exclusive that 'proved' the RMS Titanic was actually sunk by an alien U-boat.

When that didn't net the Weekly World News a Pulitzer, speculation drifted back to a rogue 'berg and an experienced captain who failed to take precautions, believing that his ship was, as oft-reported, "unsinkable".

Then came a Broadway version, whereon everyone sang and danced, before much of the cast choreographically drowned along with the AFLAC duck. Still, it was the captain's fault, but there might have been a Tony or two extra for survivors to cling to. That is, if a Tony is buoyant.

I know the duck didn't get to shower afterwards with his female choreographettes.

And of course, in '97, there was Leonardo DeCaprio, running things up the mast with Kate Winslett, before she got to help row the lifeboat ashore, while he went down with the captain and 1,515 others.

A few of them managed to survive by hanging on to their Oscars.

But now, within a life preserver of the 100th anniversary of the sinking, comes a new culprit in the RMS Titanic disaster. No, it's not the captain. No, it's not unconvincing time travelers. No, it's not the alien U-boat. And in this scenario, even the iceberg is viewed less as the villain, and more as a victim.

Bob Seeger once opined, "ohhhhhhh, blame it on midnight...oooooo, shame on the Moon".

Researchers now agree with him: in a Reuters story datelined San Antonio (TX), there comes this news item from Yahoo News on March 7, 2012:
"A century after the Titanic disaster, scientists have found an unexpected culprit of the crash: the moon". As a Texas State University physicist and his team would deduce, "the lunar connection may explain how an unusually large number of icebergs got into the path of the Titanic". They claimed that the kind of iceberg that used an underwater can opener on the White Star Line "unsinkable", tended to get "stuck" in the waters off Newfoundland and Labrador, and were unable to make their way into shipping lanes further south until they melted enough to clear the shallows.

Since the 'bergs were typically unable to make it south so soon, how did Ice the Ripper manage to get where Captain Smith and his merry band of Unsinkables were sailing carefree through waters that they figured had little more than ice cubes about?

Research that the Texas State University team used apparently included a theory by a late oceanographer, identified as Fergus Wood, suggesting an unusually close approach by the moon in January 1912 may have caused higher than average tides, allowing more ill-prepared icebergs (aka, not shrunk enough, and still armed with underwater can openers) loose to drift south into shipping lanes sooner.

In other words, the iceberg -- long maligned in the Titanic saga -- really didn't mean it. The Moon made it do it. And for 100 years, the Moon has gotten a pass from science, the media...and the legal community.

As you ponder the Moon on it's next full cycle, take a good look at the Man in the Moon: is he smiling or remorseful? Is it too late for an apology now? With PETAns suing to represent whales as people, and environmentalists arguing that sand has rights, how long before Gloria Allred leads the legal team intent on suing the unrepentant Man in the Moon, and demanding "pain and suffering" punitive and compensatory damages for the descendants of the iceberg? Especially if any of the iceberg's descendants are females?

I'll bet the Weekly World News will be all over it.