Everybody Won't Get Stoned..Just Yet

Well...one might say that Election 2012 went to pot.

Literally so in Colorado.

Colorado and Washington State are the two states that just -- by a vote of the people -- approved de-criminalizing marijuana.

Not just dopers are celebrating.  Locally, even some sound, upright conservatives have long argued for this moment.

Thanks to the voters of Colorado, they maybe mighta got it.

But not so fast, as our esteemed and sauteed governor with the goofy last name reminds us; "don't break out those Cheetos and Gold Fish just yet".

I happen to like Cheetos and Gold Fish crackers without any artificial stimulus, thank you very much, Guv Hickenloopy.

Amendment 64 -- whatever else it does, if it's another one of those "we have to pass it to find out what's in it" loads of crap -- might de-criminalize cannabis in Colorado.  But not if the Feds don't get on board.

Others aren't buying into it either.  The NFL says "no change" in their strict drug policies.  So too, the NCAA.  State law enforcement has yet to weigh all the ramifications with 64.  Not to mention, all those private and public sector employers that have pre-employment and post-incident drug screening, terminating violators for positive results.

Like so many ballot initiatives that get passed by a vote of the people, there will be no doubt a litany of lawsuits shortly to be filed by opponents, who failed to stop this at the ballot box.  So next they'll try it at the judicial box.

If it isn't squashed by the Feds or judiciary, Amendment 64 may take 2-5 years to finally implement.  And another 5-20 years for the full impact and consequences to become clear.

Truth be told, I voted against it; I am one of those apparently rare birds who never tried marijuana.  Not once.  It never tempted me.  It still doesn't.  In my younger years, I came to associate it with some rather unsavory, repulsive folks (what would pass today for the Occupy Nothing Useful crowd).

Later, it was a non-starter for my career field choice; one positive drug test, regardless of when or why, and I'd be looking for an entirely different line of work.

And I never bought the arguments that proponents use to say it's okay:  that it's harmless and makes people mellow, unlike alcohol; that it's much safer to smoke than smoking cigarettes; that it's not a 'gateway drug' and won't lead users to more radical and lethal substances; that people don't get violent and commit crimes on pot; that it's a source of revenue generation at a time that budgets are tight; and that once it's legalized, it neuters the drug lords.

Prove all of that to me 10-20 years after it's legalized.  At this point, I doubt you'll be able to.

That said, I won't be joining any class actions or suits to stop Amendment 64.  My personal choice is that I won't partake of it.  It's my right and choice not to.  At the same time, once it's legally enacted, any one who so chooses, can partake.  That's their choice.

See how simple and unobstrusive that is, liberals?

Meantime, Colorado gets to be the envy of some, and the butt of jokes for others.  For example:

Yep...now -- or at least soon, perhaps -- we'll have the "Mile Higher City".  Starbucks will have a 'bong section' added to their franchises.  Munchies will become like a cigarette after sex used to be.

Cheech and Chong will forsake Berkeley for Denver.

Amidst all this my pet rock, Seymour, wants to know what all the hoopla's about.  He says that he's been stoned all his life, and "it be no big thang".  What's more, Seymour says I set my pots to smoking in my kitchen all the time, and neither the Feds or West Metro Drug Task Force have ever bothered me over it.

Perhaps Bob Dylan can explain at least part of it to Seymour...

City On The Edge Of Self-Deprecation

There's plenty in life that needs being taken seriously.  But even the most serious amongst us have to have those moments  where they can laugh at themselves for something they've said and/or done in a moment of being 'human'.  Indeed, it never hurts to find things to laugh at yourself about.

So when a community can do so, well...

I've worked in Central City, Colorado, for many years.  Small town.  Former mining town.  It's seen its share of booms and busts.

It's a town that's had kind of a 'love-hate' relationship with the latest "gold rush" for the local economy:  gaming.  From the time that the state of Colorado voters approved a ballot initiative in 1990 -- and limited stakes gaming opened up in Central City, neighboring Black Hawk, and Cripple Creek, west of Colorado Springs -- residents have loved the civic improvements that gaming revenue has brought to the town.  But not EVERYTHING that gaming has brought to the town.

Which has been, and will be again, another subject for another time and place.

My focus here is on one particular sign that is posted in Central City.  One that visitors, tourists, passers-through, usually like to stop and take note of when driving through historical areas.  Signs that mark historical places, historical events and local factoids of interest.

This sign is kinda like that.  And yet, not like one I've seen much of, here or anywhere else.

I haven't done a lot of research on the sign as yet; I only noticed it earlier this week.  It doesn't jump out at you.  It's easy to miss, driving down Gregory Street, on the way to Black Hawk, and either back toward Denver, or on up Colorado 119 to the Roosevelt National Forest, and on north towards Boulder.

I don't know who is behind putting it up; I was told that it went up in the summer of 2011.

This sign is meant to be a factoid snapshot of Central City.  One with an eye toward some good-natured municipal education and self-deprecation.  Here's what the sign reads like:

Central City
County Seat of Gilpin County

- Founded                                 1859
- Elevation                                8496
- Mile High                                 1.6
- Area (Rich Square Miles)       2.5
- Pop.                                          663
- Average IQ                              101
- Houses of Worship                    3
- Gambling Houses                      7
- Bears                                          4 (in 2012, 3 more may have joined the club)
- Bars                                           19
- Faces On Barroom Floor           1
- Opera Houses                            1
- Museums & Galleries               5
- Newspapers                                1
- Breweries                                   1
- Troublemakers                           3
- Big Shots                                    0
Total                                       11,168.1

Yep...that's what the sign reads.  And yeah, that's what it totals up to.

Gotta like a town that can laugh at itself.  When I go back to work, I'll get a photo of the sign.  It's simple.  And priceless.

The Price of Culinary Barbarism?

FaceBook is a funny place.

In a surprisingly spirited thread, one person posted a politically-oriented comment about how some states had "food disparagement" laws, and one such state -- Colorado -- had criminal penalties attached to their law.

More than a few commenters responded with incredulous "WT-fried Twinkies-F?".

Perhaps I should take careful note of this alleged fact. After all, I do live in Colorado. And am a self-professed "culinary barbarian".

So I looked up the law. And yes, there is one: Colorado Revised Statutes, Section 35-31-101, Destruction Of Food Prohibited.

Therein, it says in fully syntaxed legalese: It is unlawful for any person, firm, partnership, association, or corporation or any servant, agent, employee, or officer thereof to destroy or cause to be destroyed, or to permit to decay or to become unfit for use or consumption, or to take, send or cause to be transported out of this state so to be destroyed or permitted to decay, or knowingly to make any materially false statement, for the purpose of maintaining prices or establishing higher prices for the same, or for the purpose of limiting or diminishing the quantity thereof available for market, or for the purpose of procuring, or aiding in procuring, or establishing, or maintaining a monopoly in such articles or products, or for the purpose of in any manner restraining trade, any fruits, vegetables, grain, meats, or other articles or products ordinarily grown, raised, produced, or used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals.

In my first read of the statute, I found this to be one of the longest run-on sentences I've not written myself. In my second read, it was hard for me to fathom that they'd ever get to what was the subject of note that has all the prohibitions for/agin it.

But eventually the multiplicity of re-readings persevered, and I was able to get the gist of the law.

Next came the effort to narrow down any and all parts of the law that might just apply to me, and the regular bouts of "food disparagement" that takes place in my kitchen. Granted, one would have to work hard to parse down the verbiage, to get to what might just make me liable for criminal charges specifically. But I think I was finally able to do so:

It is unlawful for any person (and legally, I is 'any person') to destroy or cause to be destroyed, or to permit to decay or to become unfit for use or consumption (between what I ignite and what is allowed to further decay as my leftovers), any fruits, vegetables, grain, meats or other articles or products ordinarily grown, raised, produced, or used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals.

Now, I knowwwww what you're thinking, punk: I omitted the part about "knowingly to make any materially false statement". Not at all; all the fun I've made of fruitcakes is borne out by history, and by how many of you keep regifting the things, year after year. So neener neener phfffft on that part. Y'wanna try and make an issue of that? Go ahead...make my day...

And I am indemnified and held harmless on the part referring to "domestic animals"; my pet rock, Seymour, doesn't qualify. And even he runs from whatever my few leftovers morph into.

Now, do I expect the State of Colorado to show up on my doorstep and try to apply criminal penalties to me, based on what I've written in my blog about my culinary barbarity?

Nawp. The state will be dealing with the tons upon tons of toxic coleslaw a former employer's restaurant used to throw out, for years. Even now, the toxic slaw is ravaging through state landfills, attacking scavengers, small pets and tofu zombies that frequent the landfills as meal time buffets.

Compared to that and carnivorous fruitcakes, I am a less-than-bit-player in CRS Section 35-31-101.

You see, as a culinary barbarian, I am a man who knows his limitations. And Clint Eastwood character quotes.

The "INCOMING!" of Spring

An almost summer-like day at the end of March, had me suit up and go find out how much out of shape I was, as I climbed Green Mountain Park's trails for the first time in '10.

Answer: I could be a gold medalist in the 1000 Meter Obscene Phonecall Olympic competition.

One concerned pair of young female joggers stopped and asked me if I was alright during one of my "find and suck in every last particle of oxygen nearby" breaks; my between-gasps "yeah..my left side still works, too" convinced them they could move on, perhaps a little faster than they'd come upon me, but I digress.

Green Mountain Park (aka, William Frederick Hayden Park) has provided me with writing material before: two encounters with rattlesnakes (in '07), and a mythical tangle with a raging Girl Scout troop selling cookies at oxygen-point (in '06 or '07, I forget). But I missed it's latest offering, until the end of my first excursion of 2010 thereon.

A little background: apparently, back in the 1930s, Green Mountain was pretty "out there" and desolate, and with the proximity of Camp George West in Golden (or whatever it was called then, as a military facility; now, a law enforcement training academy), Green Mountain was perfect for the denizens of then whatever Camp George West was called.

To shoot at.

What type(s) of military ordnance was expended into the north face of Green Mountain, wasn't revealed in a story in several local publications earlier this month. But in the wake of a wild fire that consumed much of the natural cover on the north side, in the summer of 2008, hikers have begun discovering remnants of expended ordnance.

There are concerns that not everything shot into Green Mountain back then, performed as designed. Some of it might still be lying around or partially embedded in the mountain. Live.

This apparently prompted the posting of a new notice at different entrances to the park. A notice I missed when I got there, but it caught my eye as I was preparing to leave. I read it. I read it again.

And I heard that tell-tale *TOING* that gets me in trouble hereabouts.

Now, I don't think any single individual from the City and County of Lakewood's Parks & Recreation Department, is a regular reader here. So I will excuse them for not consulting with me BEFORE they had someone draft and post the memo that now adorns probably every entrance to the park.

Instead, I will post now, for my regular readers, the memo that the City posted, in its mundane entirety; and in italics, what I would have graciously added, had they bothered to consult me, first:

CITY OF LAKEWOOD

Pieces of spent artillery shells from prior to WW II have been found in the park, and this indicates a potential that unexploded pieces of artillery could be in the park and may explain why you occasionally see a deer, coyote, rabbit or snake, go flying to pieces in the area off the beaten path, accompanied by a dull *BOOM* or *POOF*.

For Your Safety:

- Recognize that old artillery shells or military munitions could resemble a baseball, a pointed pipe, a soda can, a muffler, an oversized bullet, a flare cartridge, a pie plate, a metallic tear-drop with fins from a foot long to the size of a human, a pineapple, a wrecked UFO, an R2D2 that you hope isn't whistling or chirping when you find it, or other metallic objects.

- Retreat from the item - do not touch, move or disturb the item, taking care to note that to move the item, one has to touch it, and since we already told you NOT to touch it, moving it would be demonstrating that you're either illiterate or a moron. Immediately leave the area following the same path you entered area. Do not try to compassionately herd local wildlife away from scene; you'll only wind up herding them into it, unless you're hungry and are a member of the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals).

- Report the item by calling 911 and resist the urge to blame George Dubya Bush, who wasn't president in the late 1930s, for you ill-educated, military-hating idiots out there.

Let's all do our part to keep our park pristine, and to avoid blowing the north side of it all to Hell or Broomfield**. Thank you.

I am sure that if anyone from the City of Lakewood gets around to reading this, they will hasten to consult with me in the future on further such memos*.

* to quote one of my somewhat regular readers, *snerx*

** a fair piece north of h'yar, but might be in reach, depending on what ain't blowd up over there just yet...