Cockaspew

Divorce can bring out the worst in uncouplings. 

Sometimes, it can bring out the worst in the uncoupling's pets.

I happened to catch a little AP ditty about a lawsuit in Rhode Island.  It comes as no surprise that the lawsuit has been filed by the ex-husband and his new girlfriend, against his ex-wife.

Who are neighbors.

Cute:  divorce her and move in next door with her replacement.  Takes 'nads.  No brains, but 'nads.

Anyway, it seems the ex-wife has a pet.  A pet cockatoo named Willy.  Willy can 'talk'.  Or at least, he can 'parrot' what he's heard, over and over again.  And disgorge it at random.  With volume and resonance, apparently.

Well, seems the ex-wife has taught Willy a great deal about her views of the ex-husband and his new gal pal.  And then places Willy in a position to express those views.  Out an open window.  At her ex-husband's place.

The lawsuit alleges that Willy is violating local 'loud pet' ordinances by..."cussing" at the ex-husband and his gal pal.

Anyway, as I chuckled about the story -- it's one of those 'slow news day' stories -- I imagined a bit of 'fun' with it:

RI neighbors: Cussing cockatoo violates noise and other laws of nature and nicety

　WARWICK, R.I. (AP) — A Rhode Island woman has been accused by her neighbors of teaching her cockatoo to violate an animal-noise ordinance by being a real loud-beeked prick. 

By cussing at them.  Repeatedly.The Providence Journal, not worried the least about garnering a Pulitzer for this story, reports that the accused woman -- the ex-wife of the man and his girlfriend who live next door to the woman -- trained the bird, Willy, to say things of dubious nature about her ex and his new gal pal.

After the first three municipal judges asked to hear the case couldn't stop laughing, a fourth denied the defendant's request to dismiss the case, after her bird threatened to violate him.

The neighbors, as stated, are the ex-husband and his new girl friend.  Yes, you read that right. 

Nobody ever said that divorce brings out the intellect in people.

The somewhat naive plaintiffs in the case complained that they have been subjected to repeated curses from the bird, at one point for 15 minutes at a time.  Things like "Ahhh...how does your b***h ho make due with your sad f***ing little winkee?  Ahhh!"

Worse, according to the plaintiffs:  Willy is teaching local crows and magpies how to cuss at them, too.  In English, Spanish, German, French, and Azerbijani.

The animal noise ordinance -- originally intended for barking dogs, fighting cats, and GEICO pigs shrieking "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" -- imposes a small fine on any pet owner whose animal creates habitual noise.  Objectionable language directed by a pet at a human is "new legal ground" under this ordinance.

"Frankly, we're not sure that we're not potentially treading on the bird's First Amendment rights to call someone a "penile dysfunctional jackwagon", said a legal representative from the ASPCA.  "Once the bird knows the word, and everybody knows about the bird, well...we're on tricky First Amendment and ASCAP grounds here".

The judge willing to hear the case has issued restraining orders telling both women to not speak, the ex-husband to stop waving a frozen turkey at Willy, and Willy to stay away from the judge, after Willy threatened the judge to "sh** all over you and make you look like a dung dalmatian...ahhhh!".

An impromptu internet and Facebook campaign had started to urge replacement of White House press secretary Jay Carney with Willy, until it was learned that Willy calls the potus "Barry Fraud Soetero".

I'm not sure the FCC would know how to handle that press conference...