A Tale Of Two Choices

*From the '08 archives as I try to catch up wid some things, and find they run faster than I do*

It was the best of choices, it was the worst of choices. -- Chucky Dickens

A friend of mine related to me that a former coworker of hers was once introduced to the downside of choices: married for over a year at that time, his wife was badgering him for a new house AND a baby, at a time when a new house was becoming a a chancey thing (at the early start of the sub-prime bubble).

Choices. Even with the scenario presented, he still has a choice. In the adult world, choices are SOP. Whatever your wont, choices must be reckoned with. Even with the best of procrastinators, they must be made.

For example, I have over the years, had the choice a few times of bachelorhood versus married life. That I am still a bachelor is largely by my choice, with one big (and for me, disappointing) exception. And that was her choice, previously discussed (Feb '08, The One That Got Away).

Anyway, in my personal opinion, somewhere in history, bachelors got a bad rap and are terribly underrated for their intelligence. Of course, I'll admit that bachelordom is a long way from perfect, since my kitchen isn't self-cleaning (or self-cooking), and all the studies I read tell me that I'll live 5-15 years less as a bachelor, than as a married guy.

I find myself wondering about the validity of that, after the opening anecdote, but I digress.

Married life is not just a choice: it's a life-long series of them, one that might start as simply a night in the backseat of a Dodge with a six pack and no protection before thinking with blood flow to the wrong head, or after months or years of careful deliberation over lots of movies and cheeseburgers. Either way, you knew that once the "I do"s were done, there were a plethora of things that went into traditional marriage, including (but not limited to) a house, kids, pets, a mortgage or two, braces, Play Stations, college, cars, future weddings, future alimony, future child support, etc.

Many of these choices are mutually agreed to without a lawyer, unlike our poor chap at the beginning of this missive.

At any rate, were I personally faced with the choice -- not quite as unilateral as the one aforementioned -- of starting out with a house OR a baby, I would use a system that was taught to me long ago, on choice pros and cons, that would (hopefully) lead me to an informed, logically arrived-at answer. For better or worse -- you be the judge -- here's what I came up with:

First of all, having a child is relatively easy. Much easier than high school biology class inferred, it seems. I can't tell you how many times I've been part of a conversation that went something like this:

Married person w/kids: Do you have kids?

Me: No.

Married person w/kids: Do you want mine?

Try getting a home loan that easily. And that's only the beginning:

-- a house purchase, after weeks/months of paperwork, etc., is consummated with a closing that can be scheduled (generally) to the convenience of the buyer. After approximately 9 months, a baby arrives when he/she is good and ready, convenience be damned.

-- You know (generally) what the house will cost you over 30 years; you can only guesstimate what a child will cost, and whether that cost goes well beyond their 18th, 21st, 22nd, 30th (or more) birthday...

-- A house never requires a feeding at 2am; then again, a baby, even with suspect plumbing, won't be near as catastrophic as a sprung water line in the upstairs bathroom.

-- You won't have to scrape down and repaint the kids every few years; then again, your house won't outgrow it's current fad fashions in months, requiring a full wardrobe replacement.

-- Your house won't get colic, nor will your kids get squirrels in the attic (maybe in other ways, but that's for later).

-- You'll never get a note or phonecall from the principal to come discuss something your house did in school; nor will you get to celebrate an A-filled report card with it.

-- You don't have to sweat teaching your house to drive; nor can you foist off errands you don't want to do yourself, on it.

-- Expanding your kids is another choice and can be fun (especially for the guy); from conception to paying the final bill, expanding your house can be worse than the movie The Money Pit.

-- You can work with your house to control energy costs; getting your kids to understand the concept of "on-off" won't be so easy.

-- Pest control is pretty straightforward for a house; it's much harder if you have a teenage daughter...

-- While your home acquires equity -- assuming the economy is good and your choice of neighborhood was as well -- you'll never get to enjoy watching your house learn to ride a bike, hit a homerun at Little League, win a spelling bee, or ever get glitzed up for prom.

-- You can read to your kids, or you can read to your house; your house won't ask any of those endless "but WHY?" questions, but who'll want to hear about you reading to a house that doesn't ask any parent-tickling "but WHY?" questions...

-- A house can never grace you with grandkids that you can spoil and send back to your kids (aka, grandparental revenge).

-- And lastly, you can love your house; but you really can't hug it. Not if you don't want your neighbors talking...

Choices. If you're living your life to the fullest, you're making them, and accepting all the pros, cons and personal responsibility and accountability that goes with the making of choices in an adult world. In a free society, that's as it should be.

As for the poor dude that got this dissertation started, I have no idea how his particular scenario turned out, as my friend no longer works where he does. Speaking therefore for me and my choices, well...bachelordom has had both pluses and minuses. Leading the minuses are my alleged lost years in longevity and that I won't be watching my pet rock get a diploma.