Depression 'n Sex

A Facebook friend recently posted the following, and invited comments: When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking" -- Elayne Boosler

Not what you were expecting after the title, eh? And I further muddied the waters with the photo. Nyuk.

Okay, so if we take the comedic thesis on its face, the average depressed woman is shopping or eating, it doesn't take a masters degree to identify that pattern. If she's depressed during post-Christmas sales, she's downright dangerous, which leads back to the photo.

As for a depressed man, one in a position of power is certainly able to -- with a command and control mechanism firmly in place -- invade another country. He (or his PR handlers) can come up with any spun-til-its-plausible reason to justify the invasion, and never have to admit to the masses that they are at war because he had a bad hair day or he didn't get any after a night of barhopping.

But what about the rest of us average dudes? Can chess, Risk, or Battleship, serve to cure what ails us?

I've been depressed, and overrunning Asia with a horde of colored plastic simulated 'armies', didn't serve to make me feel any better.

But I can see her point: invading something -- anything -- tends to minimize depression by focusing on a whole new series of needs and priorities. I mean, the depressed man seeking to escape the darkness of depression, has a helluva lot to focus on, for to plan a successful invasion. There's the strategic and tactical considerations. Military force build up and deployment. Logistics. Intelligence of, and psy-ops against, the intended invadee. Offensive and defensive strategms. Economic support of logistics. Maintenance of lines of communication and supply. Medical logistics. Managing of news and public relations.

And, of course -- what the late Charlie Wilson knew all too well -- having a well-crafted 'end game' for victory and consolidation.

Alas, only the depressed man in a position of power over a country, or perhaps a global corporation, will have the wherewithal to properly assume the role as deemed natural by Boosler.

For us average schleps...our goals to relieve the tedium of depression, must be adjusted accordingly.

I don't know about you, but the next time I am depressed, I am going to craft an invasion of my own. One geographically feasible. One that is long overdue for execution. And one that I do believe that I am capable of masterminding.

After all, I have won the board game Risk more than once. Anyone who can overrun Irkutsk, can't be any more there than the person that named a country Irkutsk. Even if only on a board game.

Yes, the next time I am depressed, and must fulfill the Boosler Depression Relief Syndrome, I will launch an invasion of Kansas. And after successfully defeating a state that one can see from end-to-end of, by merely mounting an 8' step ladder, I will announce my peace terms: Kansas must take all of Colorado, from Limon eastward. 'Cuz it all looks like Kansas, and like-contiguous geography should be joined as one.

If that doesn't lift my depression, well...I might try stealing a woman's gallon of chocolate ice cream. Yeah, I know: that could get me killed.

I think I begin to understand why depressed guys opt for invasion..