A New Year, An Old Beginning

Yeah, I know: it's a new year. Even a new decade, or so I'm told.

Eh.

So why shouldn't I start the new year and new decade with something new and different?

'Cuz I don't have to. I'm dead.

Yep, you read that right. I'm dead.

Says so right 'chere in this email I'm about to deal with.

After dealing with email scammers for going on 10 years, you'd think I'd get bored with it. You'd be right. Noting the dwindling reader comments when I delve into some of my duels with email scammers, y'all get bored reading them, too. Unnerstand that entirely.

But I did have to start the new year and new decade with the same ol' schtick. 'Cuz I'm dead.

And it begins pre-Christmas 2009, in an email from a Swiss official (or so she alludes to being) with the title, SWISS GOVERNMENT ENQUIRY ON CONTRACTS/INHERITANCE IN NIGERIA (yeah, she MIGHT be Swiss, but it always winds back up in Nigeria, don' it?). Her name -- meant to sound Swiss, I guess -- is Farida Menchen Fellgenvork. *snort*

I won't bore you with the whole email, just the relevant part of it: for your informations, we where about to contact you regarding your inheritance payment but unfortunatly we received an Email from a Lady called Mrs Carol Cage, she called us this morning with this telephone number (something international) informing us that you died three days ago and say to us she is your next of kin and we should instruct her how to receive your properties that rest within our control. Mrs. Carol Cage says she is from Watertown, WI 53094, USA, and gived us her banking detail for fund transfer. She state that since she is your fund beneficiary and next of kin, we are to transfer to her all your properties in our care in case this office finds you are not to be found there on earth. So we write to verify her clam and your status of death.

The really sad part of all this is -- besides her bad grammar and grandpar -- my inheritance that is up for grabs here is only $1,000,000 in deflating USD. My pet rock, Seymour, isn't even mentioned (and boy, is he ever pissed about that, along with me not telling him I'm dead; now he's hiding under the loveseat, thinking I'm a zombie).

Having some experience in replying to scammers as a party with experience at deceasedom, I reckoned my response would put paid to this medical probe (for my wallet) and that'd be that:

Mine dearen Schatzie Ms Fellgenvork: please excuse my late response (you'll see what I just did there in a minute): when one is dead, it sometimes takes time to work out the modalities of interastral plane communications. And I was never gifted with technology, though I find I have plenty of time on my bones now.

At any rate, I am the party to which you are speaking in the latest of senses, and I am, in fact, dead. So that much of your informations is correct undt gudt, ja.

Then we get to the part that falls short of suspension of disbelief: you say Mrs. Carol Cage of Watertown, WI, USA, contacted you to inform you I was dead. Well, Ms Fellgenvork, I am here in the spiritual sense to tell you that I don't know any Carol Cage from such a place. I never knew a Carol Cage. I don't know one here on the Third Astral Plane. I can further assert -- and you can publish this -- that I never had sex with that woman *see my shaking index finger bones?*. Nor with her daughter, pets, or kitchen appliances. I do know, however, from the unique position I occupy, that this Carol Cage you reference, has also sent out letters claiming relations with Tiger Woods, Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith, and tree stumps. She's kind of a strange bird, you might say.

If you need further elucidationaries from my earthly remains -- which does argue the point that I can't be found anywhere on earth; I'll tell you where you'll find my remains in a mo' -- please pay me further emails to the address upon which you found me, or for a personal visit you may drop by my digs at: 4334 Whittier Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90023, the Home of Peace Memorial Park. Look me up under Howard, Jerome "Curly". Literally.

That should have been it. It wasn't. But a few scant replies to and fro, would make it thus:

Sir, this is not laughing funny manner. Death is not a thing to make funny joke of. Are you obviously not death since you write? Respond serious please.

Herr Fraulein Fellgenvork, I am as serious as a porcupine enema. You emailed my astral email address -- kudos on your getting it, BTW -- and now you have my full, shadow world attention. My physical being is as dead as The Gong Show, but my spirit is awakened by your inquiry. As for funny, I found much funny in my day...Hey Moe! *Bonk*...Nyuk nyuk nyuk *eye poke* Ow! See? Now, what shall we talk about? My lost million? This bimbo that's trying to get it? Or something more paranormal? Bwhahaha.

You not dead stop this talk. you make me uncomfort with this.

Oh, Ms Fraulein Fellgenvork, you don't know the half of it. Once a spirit is contacted from across the astral bridge, there's no putting us back in the can. You have awakened me. And from your intent to do so, you are now STUCK WITH ME. Even if you sever email communications, I will be a part of your karma now. And I will affect your outcomes. Oh yes...just like a Stephen King horror story, "Sometimes We Come Back". And I shall. Bwhahaha.

You not serious! stop it you scar me with this!

You should have thought of THAT before you broke the astral seal, and let me out. Every time you send out malevolence on the Internet, you chance encountering the spirit world, and when you do...you have opened the equivalent of Pandora's Box. She should have washed there more often...but I digress...I am your shadow now. I am the bad vibes and curse that will dog you and your family for generations. And you have only yourself to blame. And forget the witch doctor...don' work with me. Bwhahaha.

PELASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER CONTACT YOU AGAIN PLEASE TO LEAVE ME THE LONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's too late. Bwhahahaha.

No more responses from the Swiss Miss (or whatever she/he was). But I've continued to send an email a day, and will, until the account quits accepting.

Yep...nothing's changed in 2010. Booga booga.