Valentine's Day and eHarmony.com

*A re-run from '08 and '09 for Valentine's Day: my pet rock, Seymour, after watching the movie You've Got Mail, suggested I borrow Tom Hank's looks and money, and THEN try the dating scene. After a brief discussion, I took away whatever Seymour'd been sniffing, and told him to sober up...LOL*

Either the young lady at the right is reacting to the billboard, or to the notion of hearing from me. Six one, half-dozen the other. In the case of the latter, I wouldn't blame her. Especially since I happen to agree with the billboard, which again highlights why I am, and will likely remain, single.

But there are some folks who don' know me vewy well, who just won't leave well-enough alone.

Amidst the avalanche of junk and scam mails I get, occasionally comes some seasonally-oriented ones seeking to fleece me legally and voluntarily. About this time last week, I got solicitations from something eFlowers.com; Fannie May.com; and a few others, reminding me what amorous holiday was coming up, and that I should remember so it as not to get the featured woman's reaction, by forgetting.

There was a time that I happily -- even with reckless abandonment -- indulged in the upcoming holiday with all sorts of gifts and tokens of esteem, love, and lust, with varied degrees of thanks and reward over the years. My ex-fiancee helped douse a lot of that fire, but I digress some.

And if the other reminders of what was coming weren't enough, I got one....no, make it two...no, make it three emails from one of the more well-known online dating services, eHarmony.com. Three solicitations within a week to join eHarmony.com, so I can recreate in person, the woman's reaction pictured above.

Granted, I know that they're (probably) just well-intentioned and unknowingly misguided, wishing to get me into a situation where I should have to worry about this holiday every year. And they were offering me a "free personality profile" -- normally a $40 value. And I could join eHarmony.com for free as well. Until, that is, I was notified of my personality matches; then, if I wanted to contact them to start something eHarmony up, I'd have to pay $$$ to be able to contact them.

Free, my ample backside.

Wahl...on the one hand, I should really thank them for their concern about my welfare, even if I'm not collecting any. Of course, a roll in the hay with the woman of my dreams ain't a bad thing to contemplate or do whatsoever (I heard that chorus of *oink oinks* out there). But with my limited (for now) assets, I can misspend quite well on my own, without having an online e company charge me for their notions of what I need (which may or may not come remotely close to what fires my own personal rockets).

On the other hand...simply hitting the *delete* button -- the wiser, reasoned, rational and more diplomatic of the options -- wouldn't do.

So I went from Dear Skunky, to a more in-character mode, "Valentine Scrooge Skunky", with the following reply to their corporate HQ (sent snail mail, since I couldn't find an email addy):

eHarmony.com, Inc.

PO Box 60157

Pasadena CA 91101

Dear eHarmonites,

I was raised to respect and appreciate certain things in life and society, among them not to pass gas in church and blame a dog for it. More sequitur to this letter, I was taught to send a thank you note to anyone who tried to do me a favor, however misguided and unsolicited that favor might be. Granted, you didn't consider the favor you tried to do me as misguided; you considered it a worthy, perhaps philanthropic, maybe even species-extending with an eye toward procreation favor, in the furtherance of our brand of being.

I know....you probably just read that and said, "WTF?". So would I in your place, but I digress.

I am moved by your thoughtfulness at this particular time of year; of course, I am also moved twice daily by diet, but that's another matter. At any rate, I must decline, with dubious thanks, your offer of a freebie that really ain't, and would result in -- even if it worked -- even less of a freebie, all things considered.

Granted, it's arguable that I need some help in the relationship realm. My own efforts have proven a flop, especially when "the one that got away", did so running and screaming, and I was too slow to be able to catch up. Efforts by friends and acquaintances to "set me up", have proven to be very effective in "setting me up", though not in the manner that I believe they intended, nor certainly that I was eager to achieve, and even exceeded my own self-inflicted worst flops. In our next incarnation, I do believe that we should create a language that doesn't have so many double meanings -- being "set up" should have but one meaning -- but I'm digressing again.

Even if I were willing to part with the funding necessary to let eHarmony's computers do their amorous harmonization so as to harmoniously find a soul with which I could harmonize, I suspect that your systems would, after a period of thorough analysis, melt down. Remember the android Norman from Star Trek (TOS), when Spock put to him the following problem: "Everything I say is a lie. I am a liar"? You don't want your high-tech computer matching system to fry like Norman did, trying to sort through that algorithm now, do you?

Putting it another way, here's some stats for you to ponder about this hyar feller: I am 52, past warranty coverage. I'm proportional or overweight, depending on whether I'm being graded by an 80 year dirty little old lady from Pasadena, or an insurance industry health chart. I still have my own hair and teeth, though I'm not sure for how long. I am a working stiff who lives from check to check, has debt, and can afford chinese delivery once a week. My car is paid for, and is about to be discontinued by a failing auto industry. I am thoroughly heterosexual and very dedicated as a one-woman man, since having more than one would be beyond me, especially since I don't have one now, let alone couldn't likely afford more than one if I found one.

But...I will reconsider all of this, if you have a babe of a widow who's wealthy and will support me in a manner to which I am totally unused to, undeserving of, but am willing to adapt to. I'll even learn to take out the trash and empty the cat box. Of course, it'd help if she has the looks of Heather Locklear or Michelle Pfeiffer (let's remember the age I quoted at the outset). But I can adapt to somewhat less, since I was last compared in looks to Dennis Weaver, and I'm not sure if that was meant when he was alive or not. The comparison-maker was smirking at the time, so draw your own conclusions.

So that's your challenge. If eHarmony can salvage a love-flop like me, with all my admitted faults and drawbacks, then I will, in fact, believe that pigs can fly, and I am mate-able. Otherwise, I expect this will wind up on your "LMAO" bulletin board in the eHarmony.com break room, and that'll be that.

Sincerely,

Moi (I actually used my real name and address on this; just in case I actually get a real reply).

If I do get a reply -- and not one of those canned, form-letter ones -- I'll post it here. Assuming that the language is printable, and not one of the other definitions of "set up".

*2009 note: I didn't get a reply to this letter in '08. I reckon not to get one in '09, either; Neil Clark Warren & Co. don't seem to have much of a sense of humor 'bout this kinda stuff*

*2010 note: I didn't get a reply to either letter, but I DID get another offer from eHarmony.com. And Zoosk. And some unnamed singles site offered by Facebook. And Match.com. And a Russian mail-order bride site. And from one that was pretty straight forward ("want to get LAID? Click HERE"); after watching the Super Bowl commercials, I suspect it was from a prankster at Denny's; they really DO need all the eggs they can get, but it ain't gonna work h'yar*