A Turkey of a Recipe

*Originally run in 2001; updated 2009 and again in '2011; probably on file with the Department of Homeland Security's WMD Search section since '03*

As the calendar turns, around again comes the holiday season. At months' end, Halloween; less than a month later, Thanksgiving, and the focus of this tortured expose.

Of course, it's not only the season of Thanksgiving that'll be coming soon to homes near you; it's football, hockey and basketball season. It's the beginning of the Christmas decorating and shopping season. Among certain animations, it's wabbit or duck season. And we have the benefit of a sucky economy and a couple of smoldering shooting wars, though the latter is good live-fire practice for anyone planning to engage in the combat of pre-post Christmas shopping, coming soon to a mall (maul) near many of us.

For my purposes, I'll stick with the Thanksgiving theme, and something near and kind of dear to my heart and gastrointestinals: bachelor recipes.

Being a bachelor, it's good that this year, I'll be able to partake in the family fare of the season, prepared by those with exceptional cooking skills, as opposed to my inept legerdemain (and no, I can't pull a spatula out of my mitt). But in past years, I have been left to my own devices, and from previous references to my acumen in the kitchen, you know that mine tends to resemble a terrorist not-so-stronghold in the wake of a US air attack.

But I am nothing if not self-deprecating and culinarily inept for this blog, so a few years back, I came up with a recipe for to get me into the festive spirit of Thanksgiving. It's my very own invention and unique 'turkey' recipe, created in my guise as bachelor chef and culinary barbarian implosionaire. It even wound up in a family tree cook book (as a warning to any future procreation with me and my particular genes, but I digress). And for your reading and culinary astonishment, I will share it with y'all here:

Culinary Barbarian Turkey Surprise

First, collect the following ingredients:

- 2 cans of Turkey Spam

- 2 chicken drumsticks

- 2 chicken wings

- 1 ample portion of stuffing

- 1 can of turkey broth

- 1 cup of diced onions

- 1 cup of diced turnip greens

- 1 cup of diced celery

- 1 egg

- 1 cup flour

- 1/2 cup milk

- one lemon wedge

- 1 tablespoon of Crisco oil or bacon grease

- assorted seasonings for specific taste

- one set thermal-imaging goggles

- one fire extinguisher

- one asbestos cooking apron

Next comes the preparation:

- scrape off the gelatin-like residue from the Spam and set it aside for gravy

- mix Spam, stuffing, diced items, egg, Crisco/bacon grease, can of broth and seasonings in mixing bowl, shaping eventually into the equivalent shape of a turkey (think cornish game hen on limited steroids)

- add drumsticks and wings (secure to turkey with toothpicks, staples, rivets, duct tape, whatever's handy)

- pre-heat oven to 352 degrees; because I said so, that's why

- cross yourself for luck; if atheist/agnostic, just run widdit*

- put into oven in teflon-coated roasting pan for 95 minutes

- suck on the lemon wedge to wipe that look off your face

For the gravy:

- disconnect smoke detectors

- mix gelatin, flour, milk in expendable sauce pan on low heat

- stir occasionally

- if it starts to smoke, stir more frequently

- if it really starts to smoke, don the thermal imaging goggles, so you can keep track of what you're stirring with increasing enthusiasm/urgency

- if on fire, beat it resoundingly; use the extinguisher as a last resort, as it will tend to degrade the gravy consistency a tad

- set it aside; keep the thermal imaging goggles on, so you can see where you put it, along with your way around the rest of your place

After removing turkey from the oven:

- pour gravy residue (that still in liquid form) over finished turkey

- place roasting pan, with gravy-ladled turkey, in hermetically-sealed bag

- toss the whole kit and kaboodle into a HAZMAT-approved biohazard container

- call the nearest Chinese delivery place, and thank Gawd they don't celebrate Thanksgiving

Disclaimer: the aforementioned recipe is not approved or recommended by Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, Cheffie Mom Debbie Davis, the USDA, EPA, US Military's WMD Disposal Branch, or any recognized chef, living or petrified, after having read the above. If you do try this at home, you'll keep that to yourself if you have more than 3 working brain cells; then again, if you DID try this at home, you've already debunked the pre-semi-coloned part of this sentence, so never mind. Feeding residue to any living thing has potential creatures-from-The-Outer-Limits-morphability risks associated widdit, and this blog is not responsible for what might morph, and any unspeakable things it might do to your washing machine, sleeper sofa, blue flashlights, daschunds, Ford Pintos or toaster ovens.

* you can always undergo a pre-Apocalyptic conversion, if what morphs is about to attack you