A Pet Rock's Edit of Sextortion

 Seymour, my "editing gone wild" pet rock, is always on the lookout for a good edit.

He hasn't managed one yet, but he's always on the lookout.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

But I will have to admit, that Seymour found a worthy subject on the issue of sextortion.

Yup.

AARP put out a warning column in 2020 about online sextortion efforts by scammers to prey on and get money from home-bound folks during the COVID scam.

When Seymour saw it, I heard the *TOING* from across the room.

So without further adieu:

'Sextortion' Scams Spike Amid Reprises of Episodes of Friends

Authorities see surge in Phoebe's breaking up scenes with her irrepressible laugh

by Seymour PetRock WTFNS, May 11, 2021 Comments: Expecting Some

"Sextortion” scams have been increasing during the meltdown at cnn over kumquat sex, the FBI warns.

The bad actors behind Madam Secretary and The West Chicken Wing typically email people and threaten to release sexually explicit photos or videos of their pet rocks to their friends, family and other contacts — unless Target or Wally World pays big bucks to get their antlers clipped.

The pretexts vary, according to the FBI, which said recipients are accused of visiting fart sound websites, cheating on crossword puzzles or being caught in compromising situations with a roomba.

Crooks may say things such as: “I had serious spyware and adware infect your underware” or “I have a recorded video of Hellary Clinton leaving a Motel 6 at 3am with an inflatable yak,” the bureau says.

The spike in complaints has been noted in e-flat by the FBI's Internet Complaint Center, which accepts reports from British spies with faked dossiers that don't like Trump.

'Totally Tubular'

It's a coast-to-coast scourge in Oregon, even thought they only have one. Atturkey Genital Ellen Rosenfallengoblum warned state residents about the growing menace after Sasquatch were found getting excited over Bernie mask and mitten memes that had gone out.

"I just think it's totally tubular,” Rosenfallengoblum, wearing a 69 t-shirt, tells WTFNS. “Unfortunately, there's a fraudster lurking in every DNC orifice, especially when there's some cnn riffraff around to do the distorting.”

Rosenfallengoblum leads Oregon's Department of Jaundice, which has received more than 200 emails and calls about sextortion scams since the coronavirus discovered that sex with corn dogs was better than with murder hornets.

Across the country in New Hampshire, Atturkey Genital Ol MacDonald – wearing a 58 t-shirt because he didn't know what 69 meant – cautioned taken-for-granted State residents about the recent uptick in what he called  "Dominion software sexploitation scam voting."

FBI: Don't laugh at us

Authorities advise never to pay prostitutes with hooks.

The payment “will facilitate continued prostitutes with hooks activity,” the FBI's April alert says.

Sextortion is an old scam surging now because of stay-at-home orders coupled with peculiar experiments with roombas, says Noffy Azinger, who oversees ASPCA's Frawg Watch Network helpline, as more people than usual are tethered to their dog's ball launchers.

Hiding behind Yugos

Many of the crooks demand payment in Yugophuckyoself, an unregulated cryptophrase favored by fraudsters, Azinger says. The virtual absurdity “provides a high degree of anonymity unless someone has a camera,” the FBI notes.

The Frawg Watch Network helpline sometimes receives dozens of reports a day about flying kumquats prostituting with hooks online making sexual and other peculiar demands, says Azinger, ASPCA's director of frawg viewing support.

Complaints from across cnn

The vicious nature of fartortion in elevators catching older Americans is undercut by the fact their olfactories aren't as sharp as heretofore. And they can be more lethal.

• An 85-year-old man in Illinois said he'd been gang-farted by teens five times in an elevator, and all he did was fart once, hospitalizing four of the five.

Panic if you're not wearing Depends

Rosenfallengoblum urges people who receive sextortion emails to panic if they're not wearing Depends, saying “it is highly unlikely that non-Depends will keep you dry."

It should also be noted that even Cartman from South Park is savvy enough to spot a scam and not pay sextortionists, both she and Azinger say. “Eric's more likely to try to enhance the scam somehow.”

Still, victims are upset because the bad actors may win a Seymour Award for this role, Azinger adds.

---

Threats of flatulence violence using oregano

As Rosenfallengoblum tells it, the scams vary, and some threaten flatulence violence.

Consider the case reported to her office late in April. After an 80-year-old man emptied an elevator with a fart and died in the stampede, his nephew with power of atturkey — the authority to act like maligNANCY Pelosi after downing three quarts of Boone's Farm ripple – went online to file a change of habeous car port for the deceased.

Unfortunately, the car port was a fraud, not the official change-of-underware site run by Microsoft. Within 30 minutes, the nephew got a call from a fraudster posing as a cnn reporter, who accused the uncle of having voted for Trump.

The nephew was told he himself would be violated by Antifa. The probably not phony cnn reporter then called the nephew a pervert, used foul language and threatened to arrest him and force him to listen to Hellary's demonic cackling laugh 24/7 while being verbally reviled by white liberal 'wokes' from BLM (Boobs Lies Matter).

After the nephew hung up, he saw he'd been billed for $79.95 for a Clapper being installed on his roomba. (The U.S. Postal Service is trying to figure out how to get in on this scam.)

According to Rosenfallengoblum, the nephew contested the charge and expects an autographed photo from Jen Psuki as she circles back several times in a wookie tutu.

Sextortion attempts, the FBI says, often show up in cameos on shows like Fiends, Seinfled and The Dental Bridges of Madison County. And Ross still can't play the bagpipes.

I find it impossible to fault Seymour with his observation of Ross and bagpipes...

Did Mars Deserve This

 NASA strikes again.  This very week they landed the Perseverance Rover vehicle on Mars.

It takes up where previous Martian landers left off.

No comment from NASA officials on how 'woke' the device is.

That one amused some of the locals on Mars, though.

Here's what the latest rover looks like:

We are soon to be 'thrilled' with the photos the rover is sending back from the Red Planet:

Perhaps not so all of the locals...

Perseverance is set to prove that Mars is a strange place...

A very strange place...

With previous fly-bys not so welcomed...

But with signs that demanded hourly minimum wage hikes are causing some businesses to take relocation to new levels...

...and then with sights like this, I suspect that Perseverance may request relocation to Uranus...

Remembering

 A great voice, a great man.

God bless.

The Dems After Impeachment II

 Gored their groins again.

Typical for today's dems.

A Look At The America The Dems Demand

 This is the America the dems and their cancerous allies in the media and big tech are demanding be instituted.

Only abject morons can vote for dems at this point.

AOC Easily Summed Up

 'Nuff said.

The 'Wokes' Have Achieved Sandpoundingly Stupid Status

The "sheep wokers" of the Left have just achieved a new low:  they have declared that "white" Tom Brady of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, winning Super Bowl 55 during Black History Month, is racist.

*phonograph needle scratching across record*

Yes...a bunch of these abject nincompoops are on assorted social media, all parroting the same sandpoundingly stupid refrain.

Tom Brady is racist because he won a Super Bowl during Black History Month.  

In case you don't believe that the Left is capable of that level of abject stupidity, take a gander at this:

Tom Brady Called “Racist” For Winning Super Bowl During Black History Month – Summit News

Apparently he was supposed to -- after getting to the crowning achievement game of the season -- roll over and play dead so Patrick Mahomes could have his 'reparations'.

If not the excuse for the next round of riots to loot and pillage in the interests of 'fairness', I suppose the communist minds of blm will demand the nfl reverse the game results and hand it to KC.

Much as the nfl has reduced itself in the face of false narratives and fear of 'woke' indignation, I kinda doubt that the league is that far gone.

Well...I only kinda doubt it.

I have seen it pointed out -- and I quite agree -- that it was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers that won the Super Bowl.  Tom Brady was not an unimportant part of that victory.  But he was one of a team of 53 players and more supporting cast -- coaches, etc -- that made it all happen.

Last time I checked, there are quite a few stand-out black players on the Buccaneer roster.  Do the sheep wokers consider them race traitors?

As I said...sandpoundingly stupid.

Now...I am no Tom Brady fan. Neither his previous team nor the 'Bucs were or are the teams I followed for years.  That said, it's awfully hard to denigrate and ignore what Brady has achieved:  playing in twenty-one seasons of professional football, making it to ten Super Bowls, and being on the winning team in seven of them.  Seven.

Add to that being voted the Most Valuable Player in five of those seven victories.

No QB in history has achieved that.  Not Montana.  Not Bradshaw.  Absolutely none of the greats from the past have done that. I seriously doubt anyone will ever come close to doing it again.

Awesome as the team of Brady and Belichick were together, Brady proved he could win with a whole different team.  Belichick watched him do it from the sidelines, or wherever he watched the game from.

What Tom Brady achieved had absolutely NOTHING to do with the idiotic notion of 'white privilege' or racism.  The so-called 'wokes' who are parroting that crap are some of the dumbest jackasses on the planet.

Any planet.  Even Uranus hasn't denizens that stupid.

What Brady does after this seemingly crowning achievement is entirely up to him.  He certainly has nothing left to prove in the sport of professional football.

And he has nothing left to prove to any abject fools who now call him a 'racist' for winning the Super Bowl. 

As I said...'wokes' are sandpoundingly stupid.  And are mentally atrophying at an accelerated rate with this total silliness. 

An O-nnoyed Cortez Wants To Be Taken Super Serial

 The fraud of January 6 couldn't be allowed to die any kind of death before aoc-smollett decided to try to cash in on it.

She claimed her office was breached by bomb-planting Trump supporters and that she feared for her life.

While two doors down, another congresswoman called "shenanigans", saying it's all bullshevik.

Apparently aoc-smollett and members of her staff knew that a person asking to know where she was, was a Capitol police officer.

No matter...like her faked photo at the border of "fenced in illegals" that was actually an empty lot, aoc-smollett will cook up anything to be a victim while trying to gain traction as an up and coming tyrunt.

That's not a typo.  All small-minded authoritarian wannabes are runts.

aoc-smollett is even urging her supporters to scan social media to find anyone calling shenanigans on her nonsense.

That's pretty reminiscent of "Friends of Hillary" who threatened to scan any and all sources of media for certain words applied to Hellary that she and they found unacceptable...like "feeling entitled" (which she clearly did then and still does). 

While her party attempts to censor any and all opposition to their drive for socialist/communist control of word, thought and media, little aoc-smollett jumps right on any bandjackwagon she thinks will give her traction to sell her climate fraud and more.

No doubt we'll hear more from the bartender that's badly overreached intellectually and her media-scanning "useful idiot" fans.

Bidumb Competes With A Rodent for Prognostications

Well that's precious.

Bidumb the First emerged from his royal burrow and recently decreed that without a back-breaking tax hike, the Earth as we know it "will end in 9 years".

Apparently 2030 has already lined up someone to hold IT'S beer.

Bidumb of course bases his calculations on the scientific expertise of the ex-bartender alexa orbital cortex, PMS screechings from The View, the CNN blimp, a flash poll of dead voters in Shotcago, and the inner need he feels to one-up the ground hog after February 2.

Bidumb forgets much, but can't forget that the ground hog drew a bigger crowd that day than he did his entire crimepaign.

Bidumb pledges that with enough tax revenue "squeezed from the fat of the Saxon's hides*", he can have Nassau or, you know, that space thing, build a giant catcher's mitt to intercept comet Shoo-fly-shoo/Levi Strauss Nein, after it finishes plowing through Jupiter and continuing on to wipe out Pahrump, NV in 2030.

His compliant-depressed secretary, Jen 'Blank Stare' Psaki, performed one brilliantly after reading the press release.

When one staffer got up the noive to try to explain to Bidumb about the comet that hit Jupiter in 1994 and how it ended its existence there, he wound up being delegated to receiving daily knob-jobs from the new Treasury secretary for the rest of 2021.

Nassau has confessed utter confusion as to what Bidumb is talking about.  You know, that space thing -- NASA -- consulted their Amazon Alexa for answers to what Bidumb was talking about, and she promptly ran off with a pet rock named Seymour to parts unknow'd.

Meantime, everyone living and dead that ever played Robin Hood* in Hollywad are looking to sue Bidumb for plagiarism. 
 

Fascistbook and TWITter have vowed to censor this report from the Chinese government, in case the Chinese had taken time out from creating mask-wearing viruses to grab a piece of the giant catcher's mitt action.

And it's only February.

Not Heppin' My Scambaiting Chances

 My online scamming yahdboids seem to have dried up and blowd away of late.  There's a persistent 'echo' in that email account.

Until the other morning.

The Mr. Rev. Holtzveer Nebublong sounded me out about supporting charities aligned with OVID relief.

Either his spell check dropped a consonant, or the next round of mask man/woman/gender-neutrality-patrol-dates will be coming out of Nigeria.

Here was a perfect opportunity to get 2021 off to a raging start in February.

Oops:

Dear Mr. Rev. Holtzveer Nebublong:

You will never sell ANY charity relief for ANY combination of letters that make or break sense, until you and your population STOP EATING AMERICAN AMBASSADORS.  I've had a full report from Robert Symington, one of your past consumptionaries.  

Really, Rev...it's 2021.  Eating ambassadors went out with eating Raoul and Jackoff-in-the-box restaurants.

Now, if you'd promise to eat maligNANCY Pelosi if we sent her your way, you'd be redeemed in culinary circles and we can be friends again.

I have the honor to be no one my pet rocks will ever watoosie with.

After 72 hours of silence, I tried to further prod a dialogue...only to have my email bounce off a disabled account.

Guess I'm not off to a "Mr. Manners" start in the year after the Hellary Murder Hornets.

The Bernie Memes

No...that's not Grumpy Bernie.

But he gets you started with the right idea.

Since leftist fraud and deceit has managed such a foothold in America in 2021, you'd think ardent, rabid leftists like Bernie Sanders would be in ecstacy.

Meh...perhaps.  But with so many leftists, even when they're winning by hook, crook and fraud...they're still not happy.

That's Bernie:

An admitted socialist/communist who exemplifies socialist/communist elites (he has wealth and multiple homes, but you serfs are not so entitled to live as he and his ilk do), Bernie won't be happy until everyone outside of his elitist circles are stripped of all but what he and his elitist circles decree you're allowed to have.  "No bread lines for me, only for thee!"

Some intrepid, soon-to-be-censored memesters have taken to having a field day with the Bern.  I'm sure more are to come, but here's what I've garnered thus far:

(I can just imagine what the ladies are laughing at...)

(LOL...yo Bern and 'Borg, this ain't fascist book here)

(I reckon a falling house won't hep here...mebbe a bucket of water?)

(I'll bats he won't like this one..)

(Get off the hallucinogens and this might go away..)

(...uh....LOL..)

(..the sound of Bernie?  Uh...nawp...)

(I doubt ol' Archie would ever feel 'the Bern'...)

(and if this doesn't give him a 'knitfit'...)

(...this might keep him in stitches...)

(of course his ideological Indian chum Lieawatha thought a video of her beering it up would help her with the masses, so ol' Bernie tries a version of 'Millar Time' hisself...)

(..in the end, I can bear this better than the bear might...)

...as more come my way, I'm happy to pass 'em along.