Raiders Of The Lost Area 51...?

My pet rock, Seymour, loves the news.  And he loves sci-fi. 

When the news and sci-fi meet, Seymour is so there.

So when he read a joke about some dude calling for the storming of Area 51 "to see the aliens there" on Facebook, he was beyond amused.

Seymour has his own theories about what happened at Roswell, NM, in 1947.  And not just what wound up in Area 51 over that...but what didn't. 

So donning his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat, Seymour delivers up the following:


Raiders Of The Lost Area 51

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

 

The highly classified Area 51, a United States Air Force facility, has long been the source of conspiracy theories, lore and at least a couple Indiana Jones subplots. The remote location in Nevada is supposedly where the  alien spacecraft that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico and delivered to the planet a few examples of alien politicians, is being stored. More recently, head-scratching scientists seeing the results of allowing some of the aliens to escape into society are asking themselves, “WTF were we thinking?”

The government has long been tight-lipped about Area 51 and only confirmed its existence in 2013. Many are still curious why it was shrouded in secrecy for so long, and why so many blithering idiots have within recent memory shown up in the Democrap Party.

One tour group was rumored “determined to find answers” — according to the Faceplant event, by sheer force of numbers alone. A group of Democrap voter registrars plan to try to herd nearly 450,000 illegal aliens to the location and have them storm it, AFTER being registered as Democrap voters. Their rallying cry is “Storm The Border: Safety Awaits You In Area 51.”

"We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction, coordinate voter registration, then force the secret facility to become a place of sanctuary for aliens, run by aliens, for aliens," the detail of the event reads. On September 20, attendees are expected to meet at the Area 51 Alien Travel Center, a combination gift shop, gas station, restaurant and, since this is Nevada, a brothel that doubles as a DNC affiliate.

"If we [Naruto] run, we can move faster than their ICE and Border Patrol agents," the description continues. "We love the irony in aliens providing sanctuary to aliens."
Social media users are already theorizing what they will see at the Air Force facility.

They're too late; the space aliens are already running the Democrap Party 
— Sandpoundingly Stupid(@_SandpoundinglyStupid_) July 12, 2019         
My alien that I voted for from area 51 is waking me up at 3 AM asking me how a garbage disposal works
— PinHaid224(@PinHaid_224) July 12, 2019

if the area 51 raid doesn’t happen like this then we should get Indiana Jones to do it 
— OMGra (@OMGralila) July 12, 2019         
Me explaining to my
therapist why I need
plane tickets to go
to storm Area 51
— twatwaffle (@twatwaffle2) July 12, 2019

Me deciding on what alien I wanna to vote for in 2020 from Area 51  

         — DramaLlamaDingDong (@DLlDingDong) July 12, 2019

In a post censored by Faceplant the organizer of the event, Jackwagon Brown, clarified his intentions. "Hello DNC, this is a joke, like that Cortez broad's Green New Deal. However, if some of your president candidates are stupid enough to actually go ahead with this plan," he wrote, “it'll be fun to watch." And he added “I'm not responsible for having let the aliens out of Area 51 into the Democrap Party in the first place."

A spokesdork for the Cortez broad responded tartly to Brown's post with “that was spacist”, referring to racism against space aliens. He further demanded that Sarah Jessica Parker's head be returned to the body of a chihuahua immediately. “Diversity like that is a woeful thing...but necessary”. 

Seymour is sure this will net him a Pulitzer in 2020.  I think it'll net him a bullseye from the DNC's Lack-of-Intelligence Committee.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!"