Affairs of State...Are Tacky

This pic will somehow make sense in a bit.

A show of hands:  who has heard from a sitting or standing US Secretary of State that they were owed money?

I have...more times than I can count.

I occasionally get such claims that even list the current secretary correctly.

Not that it helps the credibility any, but eh...minor detail.

Here's what my character got from "US Secretary of State Michael Pompeo":

U.S Department of State

2201 C Street NW

Washington, DC 20520 

 

Dear Beneficiary 

 

Your ATM Visa Card Will Be Shipped Through USPS To Your Address I am Mr. Michael R. Pompeo, United States Secretary of State by profession. This is to inform you officially that after our investigations with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and other Security Agencies in the Country for the year ended 2016 and 2017, we discovered that you have not yet received your over due fund. 

 

I have made it my first point of call since taking office to settle all Outstanding Payments accrued to Individuals or Corporations with respect to local and overseas contract payment, Debt Rescheduling and Outstanding Compensation payment. 

 

This is to make sure all Outstanding payments are settled beginning of this fiscal year 2018. On Behalf of the entire staff of the U.S. Department of State and the United Nations in collaboration with World Bank, we apologize for the delay of your contract payment, Winning or Inheritance funds from most of African Countries and all the inconveniences you encountered while pursuing this payment. However, from the records of outstanding beneficiaries due for payment with the U.S Secretary of State, your name was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding payment who has not yet received their payments. 

 

Note that from the record in my file, your outstanding contract payment is $1,850,000.00 USD (One Million, Eight Hundred And Fifty Thousand United States Dollars) loaded in an ATM Visa Card that allows you to make a daily maximum withdrawal limit of $5,000 Five Thousand Dollars). 

 

I have your file here in my office and it says that you are yet to receive your funds valued at $1,850,000.00 USD (One Million, Eight Hundred And Fifty Thousand United States Dollars). This Funds will now be delivered to your designated address or your preferred payment option. We have perfected all modules on how to bring this fund to your house without any problem, but be aware that United Nations and the United States Government has only authorised my office to release the Sum of $1,850,000.00 USD to you as true beneficiary of the Fund. 

 

Note that your loaded ATM Visa Card will be mailed to you through Priority Mail Express (USPS) to your designated address immediately you admit full compliance to this email. Due to my busy schedules You are advised to kindly get in contact with our correspondent Mr. Harry White with the below details enclosed to help ensure safe mailing of your ATM Visa Card: 

 

Your Full Name:

Your Contact House Address:

Name of City of Residence:

Country of Residence:

Direct Mobile Telephone Number:

ID Card, DL or Passport Copy:

Age and Occupation: 

 

Contact Mr. Harry White immediately by emailing the address below: 

 

Name:   Mr. Harry White

Email:  wmrharry@aol.com

Telephone: (352) 478-0117 

 

He is obliged to treat your case with utmost urgency as soon as you contact him and fill out your correct details including all reachable phone numbers for him to get in touch with you via phone and email. 

 

NOTE: Every documentation proof for your fund have been packaged and sealed to be mailed together with your Visa Card to your address. Therefore, the only obligation required of you by the laws of the Government of United States and the financial Monetary Policy of the Supreme Court, states that; you as a beneficiary must officially obtain the irrevocable LEGAL STAY OF PROCEED from the Supreme Court of USA, as a means to justify the legitimacy, transparency and clean bill of funds from USA so that by the time your funds gets to you, no authority will question the funds as it has been legally certified free from all financial Malpractices and facets. The LEGAL STAY OF PROCEED is valued at a cost of ( $550) please take note of that. 

 

As soon as the above mentioned $550 is received, The LEGAL STAY OF PROCEED will be secured on your behalf immediately. I need all the compliance that I can get from you to ensure we get this project accomplished. Personally, I am very sorry for the delay you have gone through in the past years. Thanks for adhering to this instructions which are meant for your sole benefit, once again accept my congratulations in advance. 

 

Thanks for your cooperation as your quick response to this email notice with adherence to the above instructions is highly anticipated.  

 

 

Of course, anyone receiving something as convincing as THAT would be all over it, right?  Only $550?  For a mil 850k?  Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

 

 

*Yawn*

 

 

My character's response -- being the ever-respectful-of-authority-types that he isn't -- was an edit worthy of the original email:

 

 

From: Mr. Michael R. Pompeii< info@qlkt.net>
Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2018 3:14 PM
Subject: THE STATE DEPARTMENT IS AVAILABLE AT PETSMART     

 

Department of State

430 CNN Street NW

Washington, DC 20520

...just look for the pouty Jim Acosta inflatable, whining and deflating out front 

 

Dear fill in da blank 

 

Your ATM Visa Card Will Be arrested Through USPS for attempting sex with a skimmer at a gas station in lower Poughkeepsie.  I am Mr. Michael R. Pompeii, the video icon inside a slot machine that speaks Latin poorly and initiates bonus features therein by profession. This is to inform you officially that after our investigations with the Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI), Central Lack-of-Intelligence Agency (CIoA) and assorted fake news outlets in the Country for the year ended 2016 and 2017, we discovered that you have not yet been defrocked by a pack of horny marmots. 

 

I have made it my first point of call since having heard of this peculiarity in trying to find out how it works. 

 

This is to make sure that anyone wanting to be defrocked by a gang of horny marmots are settled in this fiscal year 2018. On Behalf of the entire staff of cnn and the Suckretary Genital of the United Nations in collaboration with painful rectal itch, we apologize for the delay of your curiosity being satisfied. However, from the records of Motown, what becomes of the broken farted is not our concern, unless we're in an elevator with them and it's stuck. 

 

Note that from the record in my file, you're scheduled to be visiting by that roving pack of horny marmots in December, and we can probably postpone the arrest warrant for your ATM card until then.  You may or may not see why shortly. 

 

I have your file here in my office but didn't know it for quite some time because my ex-suckretary had it filed in Azerbaijani.  I asked frequently and often why it would be filed this way, and learned that only someone familiar with Azerbaijani filing systems would know.  And since I don't speak it -- my second language is non-binary manatee -- it took me until now to find you.  We haven't yet  perfected all modules on how to make this workably believable, but me and three others -- a Russian bot, and two inflatable sex toys, one of Hellary Clinton and the other a cheap Maxipad Waters knock off that's always leaking and squeaking about something to do with peaches -- are working very hard to get us a show slot on cnn, the least-watched cabal network in the history of crawdad enemas. 

 

Note that your loaded ATM Visa Card was found in a dive bar, hitting on a pay toilet swipe reader, and had to go to detox.  Due to my busy schedules You are advised to kindly get in contact with our correspondent Mr. Harry White -- a third-rate Jim Acosta who is just as much a eunuch as Acosta is -- to arrange for bail for the card once we've arrested it: 

 

Your Full Name:

Your Contact House Address:

Name of City of Residence:

Country of Residence:

Direct Mobile Telephone Number:

ID Card, DL or Passport Copy:

Age and Occupation: 

 

Contact Mr. Harry White immediately by emailing the address below: 

 

Name:   Mr. Harry White

Email:  wmrharry@aol.com

Telephone: (352) 478-0117 

 

He is obliged to treat your case with utmost lackadaisicality unless you pay the fee that's to follow.  In that case, he'll probably foul himself in abject shock that this scam actually worked once. 

 

NOTE: Every documentation proof for this poorly-writ and worsely-thought-out scam have been packaged and sealed to be mailed together with a life size inflatable Ruth Bader Ginsburg being groped by Al Franken display to your address. Therefore, you should probably move and leave no forwarding address.  Failing that you will owe us a cost of ( $550) please take note of that. 

 

As soon as the above mentioned $550 is received from you by us, nothing else will happen, because once you pay us, we could give a lusty crap about anything else stated herein, hereout, hereanywhere.  The LEGAL STAY OF PROCEED will mean as much as a popcorn fart in a hurricane.  Howsoever, until that end is achieved -- and we hope at least once in the thousands of emails we've sent out trying this crap from all sorts of illicit angles -- I need all the compliance that I can get from you to ensure we get money outta someone.

Personally, I am very sorry that the marmots coming for you aren't the kickboxing type.   

 

Thanks for your cooperation as your quick response to this email notice with adherence to the above instructions is highly hoped for...up to now, our track record with these scam templates sucks. 

 

Never Really Was Yours Sincerely,

Mr. Michael R. Pompeii

animated icon in a slot machine at a gas station in Pahrump, Nevada.  

 

 

I doubt that the scammer will actually has access to roving gangs of horny or kickboxing marmots.  But my pet rock, Seymour, suggests I best be prepared if my door gets kicked in by a gang of the latter...