From Generals To Genitals

I get an awful lot of scam emails from various branches of the military from all over the world.

I wouldn't be surprised to one day hear from General Bean or Black Adder.

That could make for an interesting exchange, but I digress.

At any rate -- and this one is a general -- here is a general with an offer my character is supposed to not refuse:


Compliment of the day to you. I am Gen.Kelvin W Howard, I am sending this brief letter to solicit your partnership of Sixteen  Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ($16,200,000). I shall send you more information and procedures when I receive positive response from you.Best Regards,
Gen.Kelvin W Howard  


Oh hell...let's play:


What's this all about, Genital Howard?  


Thanks for your response to my message and i want to assure you that this is risk free and now I have to tell you on how i came across this money. During my services in Syria, I was able to secure Sixteen Million Two Hundred Thousand Dollar ($16.2 million U.S Dollars) which is my own share of the money we shared among ourselves and I have carefully arranged the said fund in a military consignment trunk box. I have also make arrangement on how to deliver this consignment box back to the State from West Africa by Reliance Security Agent west Africa. I want to hand over this funds to you as you are Trust Worthy Person that can help me keep it safe in your position, till am back from the Camp in Syria on December 2018 and my Co team mates have taken their shares delivered to their partners as we will be back from here by December this year and i urgently contacted you to help me  as trustworthy person that can receive the consignment due to US Government will soon confiscate all the trunk boxes deposited to the Reliance Security company by any Military or they will place a damurage charges on it, which i cannot afford if no one comes for the claims  and bear in mind that no one knows the content of the consignment but only you and don't disclose it to any one even the security company don't even know the content.
Sir i suggest you should get back to me if you are interested to assist me and your Job now is to contact the Reliance security Company Agent which AU,UN and US Army always used to deposit their belongings and i told them that one of my relation will come for the claims and they gave me a form to fill the name of any person that will come for the claims to avoid mistake and i will give you the name of the diplomatic security agent whom you will contact for the claim and he will direct you on how the box money will be release to you without any delay.
Please respond to me with the acceptance message and i will fill in your name in the form for the claim and forward to them and they will wait for you to contact them for the claim.
Kindly send me your full Name, your Age, your address and your mobile or phone number for easy communication with the diplomat Reliance Security Agent that will deliver the consignment to you and i look forward to hear from you.
Gen.Kelvin W Howard  US Rescue Team,Syria  


Do I get half of this money, Genital Howard?  


Ok 50% for you and 50% for me and Kindly send me your full Name, your Age, your address and your mobile or phone number for easy communication with the diplomat Reliance Security Agent that will deliver the consignment to you and i look forward to hear from you. Gen.Kelvin W Howard    

Thank you, Genital.  My information:  Jack N Ewehoff   (and I include the usual nonsense that my character uses for an address).

 

 

Thanks for your response and i understand all you have said and i want you to know that i have fill your name and your number  in the claim deposit form which i just forward to the  Reliance Security Diplomatic Agent now and attached below is the Deposit certificate they send to me to confirm you as the original beneficiary of the consignment box.
Please I was in formed also that the consignment fund box has been approved to be release to you via cash delivery by UN Diplomatic delivery Agent and you are highly advise to urgently contact the Delivery Reliance Diplomat Security Agent on his email below and he will advise you on how he will deliver the fund trunk box safely to your doorstep and remember that he did not know what is in the trunk box and please it's even better you tell him on how to deliver it to your safer place.
Please contact Reliance Security Diplomatic Agent now on: -
Name: Dip Mr. Tony ObotEmail:mr.tonyobot@gmail.com
Please Sir always send me email message after you have contacted the Reliance Security Diplomatic Agent and always keep me inform in all he have to say and i will be highly Happy when you confirm the delivery in your safer place
Gen.Kelvin W Howard 
US Rescue Team,Syria  

 

 

And the Genital includes a certificate of authenticity, of course:

 

 

Tony obot?  Is he a bot or not?  


The question goes unanswered as the Obot weighs in:


Attn: Jack N Ewehoff .,
I received your information from Gen. Kelvin W Howard concerning the delivery of the Trunk boxes, it correspond with what we have in our file documents sent to us by Gen Howard from and we are now processing the delivery documents in your name and i will forward to you all the delivery documents to you immediately it being  obtained and secured and i will get back to you for the deliver procedures.
Meanwhile by International Delivery securities and UN Authorities Anti Terrorist delivery Crime (UNATDC) you are urgently advise to send deposit  fees of $1,850 for the delivery charges of the consignment to your door step.
Please respond immediately to advice you on how the fees will be paid and the consignment box will be delivered to you within 48hours from here immediately the charges has been send to us.
Waiting to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God bless
Dip Tony Obot  


From hereon it's a tag team between the Genital and the bot:


Have you contacted the delivery agent Diplomatic Tony Obot?  


Yes Genital, and the obot has contacted me.   And to the bot:  so I am to send $18.50 to obot on behalf of Genital Kelvin Howard?  Got it.  Exactly where am I to send it? 


...the change in the decimal point will become important as we go...

Sir below is the Bank account information to pay the $1,850 delivery fees of the consignment Trunk Boxes.

BANK NAME: Bank of America.

BANK ADDRESS: .151 centre st Malden Ma 02148. USA

Account Name: Caputo Pierre

Account N0: 466001466245

Routing N0: 011000138

Swift code: BOFAUS3N

Beneficiary Address: 152 walnut street Malden MA 02148 USA

Please kindly attached the transfer slip and send it immediately you have sent it the money.

Waiting to hear from you soon.

Dip Tony Obot  

 

 

Please keep me updated sir

Gen Kelvin  

 

 

Of course, Genital; we're already negotiating.  

 

 

Sir what did he tell you and when is he delivering the consignment box to your house because that is what i am waiting for now.

Please tell me what he said

Gen. Kelvin  

 

 

He told me that I have to pay $18.50 for the delivery.  

 

 

Ok sir and please send the delivery charges to enable him move the consignment boxes to you immediately Please have you send the delivery fee to him today?

Please get back to me tp know if you have sent it .

I am waiting for your response

Gen Kelvin  

 

 

Okay...confirming that all I have to send is $18.50 usd.  

 

 

Sir please update me once you have sent it and Please i suggest you should send the payment today .

Gen Kelvin  

 

 

Attn: Jack N Ewehoff,

I have been waiting for you to respond to me for the delivery fees and please kindly send the $1,850 today to enable me process some delivery document and proceed for the delivery of the consignment boxes to your door step this week.

Waiting to hear from you.

Dip Tony Obot  

 

 

oBot, the Genital said I only have to send $18.50  Is there some confusion here?  

 

 

Sir i said the delivery fees is $1,850 not $18.50 and please there is no confusion here because i stated it to you clearly and i sent the bank account information to send the fees.

Sir I contacted General Kelvin concerning what you just said and he openly told me that he advised you to send the delivery fees to me as i stated in my message .

Sir i have booked a delivery cargo flight for the delivery of this consignment Trunk Boxes and you are delaying my time and please tell me now if you will send the fees or not .

waiting to hear from you soon.

Dip Tony Obot  

 

 

I understand that the Genital said it was $18.50.  

 

 

Sir i did not tell you to send $18.50 but i said you should pay the amount the Diplomitc delivery agent saud you should pay and this morning the Delivery agent said you should  send only $1.850 USD for the delivery of the consignment boxes .

Please if you really want to assist me as we have agreed, then send the$1,850  delivery fees to the delivery agent today.

waiting to hear from you .

Gen Kelvin  

I understood you fully, Genital, and I am happy to send $18.50

NO!!  I SAID SEND $1850  Gen Kelvin  

 

 

That's what I said, Genital; I'm sending $18.50 as we agreed.

 

 

LISTEN CLOSE PLEASE  IT IS $1850 THAT YOU ARE TO SEND NOT 18.50  AND YOU ARE TO SEND IT SOONEST  Gen Kelvin  

 

 

Keep your decoration-festooned panties unwadded, Genital, I will send the $18.50 when I have the time.  

 

 

YOU DO NOT TO UNDERSTAND ME  YOU ARE TO SEND $1850 STOP THIS DELAY AND SEND $1850 SOONEST.  TIME IS NOT ON OUR SIDE  Gen Kelvin

 

 

I understand fully, Genital, and I'll send you the $18.50 when I have time.  And time IS on my side; I have a pocket watch.  

 

...and amusingly, he finally gets around to noticing what I've been calling him:

 

 

WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME GENITAL???   EXPLAIN!  

 

 

Why, isn't that what you said you were at the start of this?  A genital in the middle of Syphilis?  Is that what you need the $18.50 for?  

 

 

YOU ARE TO WRITE TO ME NO MORE  Gen Kelvin  

 

 

Gotcha...I'll keep you posted on how things are going, Genital.  Get that syphilis under control soonest, before it makes things start falling off you.  $18.50 isn't going to get you much treatment for that you know.

 

 

...and so ends the episode of the Genital and the obot.  If they'd had a little patience, I would have gotten around to the $18.50...in one form or another.