When A Homeland Genital Speaks...

Here's a general staff that could be swept up with one industrial magnet.

But I sorta digress.

How often do YOU get an email from the general in charge of the US Department of Homeland Security?

If you're like me, all the friggin' time.

Of course, it ain't really from a general in charge of the US Department of Homeland Security, and the way it's writ doesn't help authenticate it.  But eh...I dwell too much on details:

U.s. Department of homeland security,
Mg timothy j. Lowenberg,adjutant general and director state military
Department washington military dept., bldg1 camp murry ,wash
93430-880 usa

Good day

I hope this mail finds you in good spirit and in good health? Because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your consignment boxes pursuit in Benin Ghana Togo Nigeria Spain France Malaysia Indonesia china and Korea .my name is gen.john Kelly, the secretary of u.s department of homeland security of America, am in charge to monitored all foreign transactions in Africa Europe and Asia. I have been in the u.s department of homeland security now since the government of president barrack Obama, monitoring the various transactions going on in Africa, Europe and Asia, most especially consignments cases and bank transfer. I do not intend to spoil your
Day or to put you under duress

But you can not receive any of your consignments boxes pursuit, without a clearance from the u.s department of homeland security. however, upon my arrival in Benin republic after series of meetings with our president denial trump and united nations secretary general ban ki-moon, due to numerous complains from other security agencies from Africa Asia, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica, south America and the united states of America respectively, against the Benin government and Nigeria over the rate of scam/fraudulent activities going on in this country and Africa.

 

When i arrive in the Benin parliament in cotonou, i found your consignment box clearance file lying on the foreign affair office desk without any attention on a thorough scrutiny i discovered that your consignment have been abandoned by your delivery agent. Meanwhile, i was made to understand that they have try to reach you, but no way and they have made several attempts to contact your delivery agent but to no avail.

 

To my greatest surprise, during my recent routine re-checking, i personally discovered that your consignment content declaration documents stated that your consignment contains personal effects meanwhile, it contains united states dollar bills worth over us$40 million dollars, which made it impossible for the consignment to be delivered to you earlier before now.

Based on this personal discovery, i am contacting you now to let you know that with my position and power as the secretary of us department of homeland security, i can assist you to legally clear your consignment fund, but you must agree with the following conditions. Because i have called our office in washington,dc from benin, who has been intercepting all your telephone calls, with the help of mtn, tigo Vodafone and airtel network Benin. 

 

 

It goes on with additional drivel before getting to the rat killing, which is I send $385 to some nincompoop in Benin via WU or MonkeyGram, and life is wunnerful.

 

For the yutz in Benin.

 

Well, *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*, as my response works as something of a buzz kill, if I understand what one of them things is:

 

 

Dear Homeland Security Genital:

1.  Considering your exalted position, your typing sucks.
2. Along with your spell checker.
3. Along with your grammar checker.
4. Along with your grasp of English in genital.
5. See what I just did with #4?
6. Probably not.
7. You have utter failed to spoil my day or put me under duress or any other garment.
8. See #5.
9. See #6 for same answer.
10. Some nincompoop in Benin will get $385 from me on the day that the dreaded Phoo Bird flies over and shits on you...and you wipe it off.
11. Google it for details.
12. See #6 for likelihood of getting answer.

If there's anything else I can help you with, feel free to write it down, print it, and shove it up your ass sideways.  I'm sure you at least see what I just did there.  


I'm sure that y'all are surprised that this did not elicit a response from the email originator.

He probably didn't see what I just did there.