Yahooed By Edit

If you believe this picture, then you might just believe this email from Yahoo, claiming that you won a once-every-five-year drawing.

Or at least, "Yahoo" was trying to tell me that I had.

Read it for yourself:


UK Office: Yahoo! UK Ltd 125 Shaftesbury Avenue London WC2H 8AD United Kingdom.
Tel No: +44 7024072514  Fax No: +44 7005938291.

This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of (Nine Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollar) ($950, 000.00 USD) In the Yahoo Promotion 2017 which is organized by YAHOO, AOL & WINDOWS LIVE every five years YAHOO and MICRO SOFT collects all the email addresses of the people that are active online, among the millions that subscribed to Yahoo and Hotmail and few from other e-mail providers. Two people are selected every five years to benefit from this promotion and you are one of the two Selected Winners.

PAYMENT OF PRIZE AND CLAIM

Winners shall be paid in accordance with his/her Settlement Center. Yahoo Prize Award must be claimed no later than 14 working days, from date of Draw Notification. Any prize not claimed within this period will be forfeited.

Stated below are your identification numbers: Code Number: GUK/3554749405GK, Ticket No: GUK/1008272745GK, Winning Number: GUK/99334353734GK,


These numbers fall within the Johannesburg Location file, you are requested to contact our claim agent in South Africa and send your winning identification numbers to him:

PAYMENT MANAGER APPROVED CONTACT INFORMATION:
Tel No:  +27-82-264-8628
Fax No: +27-86-219-1782
CONTACT PERSON: MR. FRANK MAYO
E-Mail: frank_mayo@consultant.com Or frankmayo@yahoo.co.za

You get the genital idea here.

My pet rock, Seymour, was feeling a bit futuresque when he was given the honor of editing this email.  I think he went above and beyond where no pet rock has gone before:


UK Office: Yahoo! UK Ltd 125 Shaftsbury Avenue London WC2H 8AD United Kingdom.
Tel No: +44 7024072514  Fax No: +44 7005938291.

This is to inform you that you have been awarded the shaft In the Yahoo Elevator Promotion 2017 which is organized by YAHOO, AOL & WINDOWS.

  Every so often, YAHOO and MICROSOFT collect all the email addresses of the people that are active online, including the millions that subscribed to Yahoo and Hotmail and few from other e-mail providers.  These emails are thrown into a giant drum and centrifically rotated at 100 revolutions per minute for 30 minutes, before slowing and reversing the spin for another 30 minutes, causing the monitor outside to projectile vomit.

  This is the signal to stop the spin, open the drum and draw 250,000 email addresses out of it.  From those 250,000 addresses, five are placed in a hermetically sealed time capsule and buried at Hollywood and Vine, where they will be retrieved, opened and revealed on January 1, 2195, for no particular purpose.  The owners of those addresses will of course be dead and ineligible to win anything.

If a DNA match can be made of two random people to any of those dead from the five email addresses, it will be noted on a future SNL skit about The Gong Show, being aired in perpetuity on the Uranus Free Proctoscope Colony, established by a descendant of Barack Hussein Obola.

Two people will then, at that time, be selected based on (a) availability and (b) so long as they can prove they are not cyborg.  

PAYMENT OF PRIZE AND CLAIM

Who in the fuck are you kidding?  We won't be dealing in anything as arcane as money by then.

 

 

  No, the winners shall be accorded total consciousness as promised by the Dalai Llama to greenskeeper Carl in that golf movie from the 1970s, but only upon their death bed.

 

 

   Yahoo Prize Award probably won't be around by then, but in case it somehow is, must be claimed no later than 1.5 working light years from date of Draw Notification. Any prize not claimed within this period will be nebulaed to the Horse Head Nebula as cosmic compost.

Stated below are identification numbers: Code Number: GUK/3554749405GK, Ticket No: GUK/1008272745GK, Winning Number: GUK/99334353734GK.  These numbers might mean something to Captain Kirk or Spock in the 23rd Century, but not to anyone receiving this sooner.

These numbers don't mean spatula genitals if you are within the Johannesburg Location file; sorry, sucks to be you.  You are requested to contact our claim agent in South Africa and ask for a do over.  

PAYMENT MANAGER APPROVED CONTACT INFORMATION:
Tel No:  +27-82-264-8628
Fax No: +27-86-219-1782
CONTACT PERSON: MR. FRANK MAYO (he doesn't appreciate BLT jokes, in case you're interested).
E-Mail: frank_mayo@consultant.com Or frankmayo@yahoo.co.za

You are advised to not bother sending the following information to your Claims Agent, if you've bother reading any of this.  If you haven't read or paid attention, go ahead and send the information below to him, and he'll know you're a dim witted douche canoe.

1. Full name..............................
2. Country.................................
3. Contact Address...................
4. Telephone Number...............
5. E-Mail Address.....................

Congratulations might have been in order, but not if you've paid attention.  

Dr. Mrs. Ann Fenech

PLS SEND $5 off Weinerschnitzel coupons soonest to EMAIL ADDRESS: frank_mayo@consultant.com Or  frankmayo@yahoo.co.za

Copyright @2017 Yahoo! Inc. All Rights Went Out The Window After The Interstellar War Between Uranus and Liechtenstein.
Either this was way too much for Mr. Frank Mayo to process...or he's inundated with entries, since I had Seymour send this to about 100 of his peers and colleagues.

 

Hollywood and Vine might just be the place to be on January 1, 2195...Seymour's about the only one I know that can be there...