Oh Gee-awd

My guardian angel is frequently looking like this when I do what I do.

Particularly when I respond to email scammers.

Especially ones that start out like this h'yar:


PLEASE CAN YOU DO THE WORK OF GOD (the face palm is already under way)

Dear Beloved,

I am pleased to write you this mail, with all hope that God will use you to deliver innocent suffering children in the world as am about to end the race. I am Mrs Ritha Marois Benoite the wife of late Engineer Ralph Benoite from Paris France but based here in Burkina Faso West Africa since eight years ago as a business woman dealing with gold exportation and Sales. We have been married for years before his sudden death although we were childless. I have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I have been battling with the sickness when my late lovely husband was alive.

My late Husband left the sum of US $7.900.000.00 Seven Million Nine Hundred Thousand United States Dollars in a fix/suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Burkina Faso. Recently, my Doctor told me that I will not exceed more than two more months due to cancer problem.

The one that disturbs me most is my blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to seek for your kind assistance to transfer this fund into your account and you will use it to establish an orphanage home in my name and train my adopted daughter who is 16 yrs old. You will take her as your God giving child and bring her up in a good and decent manner with what my late husband left behind.

I will give you more details about me and how I inherited all as soon as I receive your reply in my private email (ritamaroise163@yahoo.fr) to handle this project because I do not want to state all here until I see your reply, desire and commitment to handle this project. Please can you treat this as confidential and keep it as a secret for security reasons between both of us for the safety of my young innocent daughter. Reply me via my private email for more details about the project (ritamaroise163@yahoo.fr)

My Regards to your family.
Mrs Ritha Marois Benoite.  

My guardian angel was already going into *face palm* before I concocted my response here, on accounta cuz my guardian angel knows how my thrice-concussed mind works.

And misfires:

I am afraid that I cannot do the work of God:

-- I cannot turn water into wine

-- I can flood my apartment but cannot make it rain 40 days and 40 nights

-- I cannot recreate Heaven and Earth in six days but I can wreck a kitchen in minutes

-- I cannot explain to Adam how his rib became a very independent, unpredictable and unruly Eve, snakes and road apples aside

 

 

-- I cannot explain the genital puppets march in Washington DC (any more than I think that He can, frankly)

 

 

-- I cannot explain the Rubik's cube

-- when God farts, it's thunder and lightning; when I do, it just smells and clears occasional elevators

 

 

-- I cannot explain the chicken or the egg thing...only drumsticks and omelettes

-- I cannot explain how two sexes became 200 plus

-- I cannot explain unicorns missing the Ark and turning up millennia later to crap rainbow ice cream

 

 

-- I cannot explain Donald Trump's hair (Bloom County's Bill the Cat might try, but that's another matter)

 

-- I cannot explain the total lack of logic, sense and reason at the DNC

 

 

-- I cannot explain to Godzilla that he can't play accordion music with an articulated bus

 

 

-- I cannot explain to space aliens The Gong Show's demise

-- I cannot explain why bears, bulls, sharks, lions, runaway trucks, asteroids, volcanoes, tornadoes, tsunamis and earthquakes don't respect people taking selfies (again, any more than He can most likely)

 

 

-- I cannot explain why South Park makes me laugh

 

 

-- I cannot play God the way the late George Burns did

If you need someone to shovel sh*t, I can do that.  I just choose not to.

Anything else I can do for you?

Jack  

 

 

The scammer was a bit not expecting this kind of reply apparently:

 

 

my emale was serous and you mock at me?  

 

 

I told you I couldn't do God's work...spelled it out and ever'thang.  But you...nooooooooo...you couldn't figger it out.  Yes I mock at you.  And point, laugh, guffaw, snort, chortle, giggle and just flat gut busting ROAR at you.  Any MORE questions?

 

 

Nawp.

 

Yes, my guardian angel is face palming on my behalf all the time.  Even my pet rock, Seymour, is getting the knack of the face palm.

 

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

He's also working on the clearing elevators thing...

*pet rock face palm in progress..*