Monday, August 15, 2016

Speechless in Switzerland

This may well be Bernie Chrisa, whom and wherever he/she/it is.

Why is Bernie likely doing this?  Wahl...he sent my character this:


I am an external auditor for a bank in Switzerland, which has its main branch in United States of America. I am sending you this financial proposal not under my official capacity but on a personal level which explains why I cannot disclose the details of our bank until I confirm your interest to work with me. I got your contact information from your country’s email database.

In the course of a routine audit which I supervised lately, I discovered some investment accounts that have been dormant for some years. Most of the investment accounts belong to single beneficiaries, unlike the corporate ones belonging to very few establishments. Amongst these accounts, there is a particular one that stands out for me which has a huge amount of money. No activity has been carried out on this account since the year 1998. In our book, that is classified as a dormant account.
After discreet investigation through an heir hunter, I found out that the account owner  had passed away in 1998, which is the year the account was last operated. Based on records, he died intestate (registered no one as his next of kin), which explains why no one has come forward for claim. Having been thinking on how to deal with this situation in a way that would benefit me instead of reporting it to the senior management of the bank; I resolved that the safest option is to involve any foreigner that would work with me discreetly.
Now here is my proposal, I would under a special arrangement with you, disclose more information and then guide you on how to apply to the bank to get them transfer  his estates to you. But you would be expected to provide necessary documents to authenticate your claim in this regards.
I can give you all necessities, and present you through a lawyer to the bank, as the living maternal next of kin to the late investor; I will issue you with all relevant documents to substantiate your claim, as I have all copies that will be authenticated by the lawyer. I will guide you on how to make the needed preliminary application for claim. I can assure you that, as long as you keep this matter confidential to yourself, you would not be exposed to any risk, as I intend to execute this under a secured arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Subject to percentages, I am willing to give you 35% of the total sum after the transaction has been completed.
Please contact me on my personal email address ( berniechris02@gmail.com ) for more details if interested and I will issue you with my full contact details. However, if this proposition offends you, please accept my apology.
Yours truly Bernie Chris  
 
 
Yup.  That's what he sent.  But here's what he got back...he and 50 plus of his colleagus and pals in fly infested internet cafes from here to Lagos:
 
 
Good-day sunshine...good day sunshine...good day sunshine,
it is to laugh...when the sun is blort.
Emich schiesse undt hundsfott ist snort.

 
I am an external auditor for a bank in Switchzerland, which has decided to join the UK and other countries in leaving the EU via a campaign to get country voters to support that exit.  Our campaign is knowd as Switchzerland.  We know that Liechtenstein's like campaign is Liechtendecline; Hungary's campaign is Shungary; Transylvania's campaign is Cancelvania; the rest of Romania is debating between Remainia and Removala.  Spain has adopted Refrain; Finnland's is Finnished; Norway's is Noways and Sweden's is Swedeyalater.  It's catching on.  I am sending you this information not under my official capacity but on a personal level which explains why I cannot disclose the details of why I started this with a Beatles song until I confirm your interest to work with me. I got your contact information from an online guest book database as well as from an old seer who reads tea leaves in lieu of the Zurich Evening Post for hot stock tips.
 
In the course of a routine audit which I supervised during a bout of excruciating anus cramps, I discovered some forms of incest being acceptable where hillbillys live according to the DNC that have been dishonest for some years.
 
I found all of it in a Wikileaks dump from Hellary's unprotected email server from her basement.  Most of the information about classified shit I could have cared less about; the details of her cookie recipes that she shared with Chelsea and Monica Lewinsky were what I was after, unlike the Russkies and the Chinks who wanted the classified stuff. Amongst these accounts, there is a particular one that stands out for me which has a huge amount of references to twatwaffles.  And now I have twatwaffles on the brain.
 
After discreet investigation through an antique tampon hunter, I found out that the owner had passed away in 1798, which is the year the first antique tampon was referenced in Genital Times first published in 1798 by Ben Franklin's cat.  Based on records, he died after a terminal hairball explosion (no witnesses or survivors listed), which explains to most reasonable peoples why no one has come forward for claim. Having been thinking on how to deal with this situation in a way that would benefit me instead of reporting it to the EPA or OSHA, I realized that neither are here in Switchzerland; I resolved that the safest option is to involve any dupable foreigner that would work with me discreetly.
Now here is my proposal:  I want to marry any virgin goat you may have or know of.  I would under a special arrangement with you, disclose more information and then guide you on how to deceive the goat's owners on what I plan for it on the honeymoon night.  But you would be expected to provide necessary cover for me on this.
 
I can give you all necessities, and present you through a lawyer to whomsoever a presentation must be made, as the living maternal next of kin to the late owner of the antique collection of tampons and caretaker of virgin goats; I will issue you with all relevant documents to substantiate your claim to the judges on America's Got Talent, as I have all copies that will be authenticated by the lawyer when he sobers up from the latest binge he's been on the past six months. I will guide you on how to make the needed preliminary application for claim without looking like a complete nincompoop; I have about 51% of that worked out.  I can assure you that, as long as you keep this matter confidential, you would not be exposed to any Congressional hearings wherein Muslim members will demand to know your source of virgin goats.
 
Please contact me on my personal email address ( berniechris02@gmail.com ) for more details if interested and I will issue you with my full contact details. However, if this proposition offends you, please pound sand up your ass and give this email to the next 50 people you meet.
Bernie Chris,
berniechris02@gmail.com   


Yup...they be speechless in Switzerland...

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

I'm speechless in California too.

Seymour and Element say hello. More to follow on tomorrows post.

Have a fabulous day. ☺

15 August, 2016 08:42  

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