He Wouldn't Kidney, Would He?

Yep, he would.

I'd like you to meet the doctor who made an unsolicited offer to one of my characters -- well, actually three of them -- to give them 500,000 Great British Pound sterling in exchange for one of their kidneys.

Yup...he did.

As it developed, Dr. Nigel Basheer would kidney about that.

*rimshot*

He just wasn't up to the operation, as engaged in by character Jack N. Ewehoff:

Yeah, dat be Jack (not really, but for this scambait, it woiks).

Anyway, Dr. Nigel Basheer began this curious episode as follows:


SELL A KIDNEY. SAVE A LIFE AND MAKE MONEY.

Do you want to sell your kidney to save a life? 

Are you seeking for an opportunity to sell your kidney at a good price?

Here is an opportunity for you to sell for 500,000 pounds.

Interested sellers should contact DR. NIGEL BASHEER, a Nephrologist and consultant surgeon at ST. MARY'S HOSPITAL. For more information contact us via Email: stmaryskidneytransplantcentre@gmail.com  

 

 

Okaaaaaaaaay.  My character simply had to know more:

 

 

You wouldn't kidney would you?  I might be interested.  Tell me more.  

 

 

It quickly develops that Dr. Basheer might be a surgeon of modest renown -- and hellary might tell the truth once in a billion years -- but he is not gifted at digesting the written word when sent to him:

 

 

Thanks for your mail, You are welcome to St. Mary's Hospital, Here you will get the maximum satisfaction you need and your satisfaction is our priority. I also want to use this opportunity to introduce myself, My name is DR. NIGEL BASHEER, I am one of the representative Doctor of the above specialist hospital, here we are specialized in kidney transplantation and treatment of all manner of sickness and diseases. I want you to know that you are in the right place where you can sell your kidney okay. We give you our uppermost assurance that you will not be avoided by taking a bold step to your offer to save this poor man. But firstly before we can proceed further you have to provide your personal information and you are to make sure that the personal details is filled appropriate and correctly.

PERSONAL DETAILS NEEDED

full names:

Age:

Sex:

Date of Birth:

Telephone Number:

Profession/ Occupation:

Language:

Monthly Income:

Relationship:

Reason for selling:

Blood Group:

Genotype:

Country:

State:

Email Address:

Next of Kin:

We hope to hear from you as soon as you received this mail.

Best Regards …

DR, NIGEL BASHEER  

 

So I have my character fill out the application and return it thus:

 

 

PERSONAL DETAILS NEEDED

full names:                                           Jack N. Ewehoff

Age:                                                       45

Sex:                                                       Love it

Date of Birth:                                      12-31-80

Telephone Number:                          303-***-****

Profession/ Occupation:                   analyst

Language:                                            1

Monthly Income:                               not saying

Relationship:                                      yes

Reason for selling:                            offering price

Blood Group:                                     O positive

Genotype:                                          male that types 35 wpm

Country:                                             USA

State:                                                  CO

Email Address:                                  jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com

Next of Kin:                                       n/a

Of course, my character neglected to enclose his ID card.  Dr. Basheer does note that:

 

 

Thanks for your mail Mr Jack, We got your mail and the details of your personal information was well understood and noted. This is to certify that Dr. Nigel Basheer the representative doctor of St. Mary's Hospital here by gives the patient the full confidence and trust on us because we are here to make sure that your satisfaction is our priority. The Patient is to be rest assured and guaranteed that he/she has nothing to be scared of during this transaction because all necessary documentations are in order, in accordance with the transplant policy of act 21 of the Decree 2005 Constitution. You are to study the below terms and conditions properly before we can further ahead okay.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS INCURRED

1: The patient is to ensure that he/she is qualified to sell his/her Kidney to avoid any form of acquisition during the operation.

2: The patient must be above the age of 18 years and any age below would be disallowed from the offer.

3: The patient must be a legal citizen of his/her country.

4: The patient is to ensure that he/she does not have any form of business habit on smoking hard drugs (cocaine, marijuana, etc) .

5: The patient must keep to our terms and conditions to ensure that the transaction is done swiftly.

6: The surgery will hold in the patient's preferred location and all the surgery, travel and other cost will be paid and made by us.

7: failure to complete the transaction will lead to the court of law.

8: To all patients: The patient must be duly register with the NKF (National

Kidney Federation) before any further commitment to the operation can begin. 

9: The patient will ensure that he/she has a next of kin.

10. The hospital management are willing to buy the kidney with the sum total of

500,000 pounds which half of the money will be transferred to the bank account which he will be providing for this deal after the registration by the NKF.

11: Transfer of patient money to his/her bank: Half of the money will be paid first to the patient before the operation on him/her will commence after which the balance will be paid after the completion of the operation.

12: The patient will have to register with the national kidney federation with the sum of 100 pounds before the travel document will be sent to the patient also half of the money will be transferred to the patient bank account. 

NOTE: You have to send us a scanned copy of your legal identity card so that we may know and identify who we are dealing with and you are required get back to us immediately if you are in agreement with it. Considering the above conditions if they are acceptable to you, you have to give us a fast response so that we can assign the account department to begin the preparation on your half payment.  

 

 

Jack, of course, is reluctant to send them an ID.  So he sends the following:

 

 

I find no significant issues or gesundheits with the terms and conditions.  I am, you will understand, a bit reluctant to place my ID out there on the internet and send it to you; identity theft being what it is and all.  Is there another way of authentication?  Say via hermetically sealed stool sample or something?  

 

 

And Dr. Basheer proves beyond all doubt that he is functionally illiterate:

 

 

Thanks for accepting our terms and conditions,

Please can we chat or call on whatsapp? this is our whatsapp number +2348153656464. Plaese add us up so that we can have an easy and fast communication.

you can identify yourself with any means, maybe passport photograph(small photo size) if you are not comfortable in sharing your legal identity card online.

Awaiting your message on whatsapp,

Thanks.

So since he just wants a photo, my character sends him the one earlier posted along with this reply:

 

 

What is wazzup?  I'm not playing that porkymon whoa game, if that's what you're referring to.  So, what comes first...I get paid, or I donate the oregon?  Where IS St. Mary's Hospital, anyway?  And here's my photo from my ID  

 

 

This gets a great response from Dr. Basheer, along with photo authentication:

 

 

Thanks for the identity card, 

what you have to do next is to look for any of the NKF office close to you and do your registration so that you will be eligible to donate or sell your kidney. Please go with your identity card, bank account details, permanent home address, next of kin name and phone number along with the 100 pounds registration fee. once you are done with the NKF registration, we will alert the account department to approve your half payment immediately.

Note: We are from UK  but we are presently in the Nigeria because of this particular patient in our branch hospital in Nigeria and current policy imposed by the English government which has to stop the sales of kidney in UK, due to that policy, the hospital management has decided to open new branches in less developing countries like Nigeria, Ghana, Mexico, Peru, Pakistan and Poland where the sales of kidney are legally accepted..

Attached below is my hospital license and my medical identity card for you to sure and have confidence on us that you are on the right hand.

Thanks  

 

 

(click on it to enlarge it; it's definitely worth the read..)

 

 

My character is impressed but not sure how to proceed:

 

 

Is there an NKF Office in the US?  I live in Colorado.  Is there an office like that in Colorado?  If not, how far do I and my kidney have to travel to complete the registration?  

 

 

Now we start to get to the 'rat killing':

 

 

Thanks for your response, The National Kidney Federation office is not in USA but only in UK with the following office address.
The National Kidney Federation
The Point,
Coach Road,
Shireoaks,
Worksop,
Notts S81 8BW, United Kingdom.
They are worldly recognized as the best organisation supporting the sales of kidney and other human organs to rescue lives of other people and every donors are instructed to register with them before the approval of their half payment and the transplantation.

what you have to do now is to go the NKF office in UK and do your registration so that you will be eligible to donate or sell your kidney. Please go with your identity card, bank account details, permanent home address, next of kin name and phone number along with the 100 pounds registration fee. once you are done with the NKF registration, we will take your registration certificate to the account department to approve your half payment immediately.

Alternatively, you can as well send the information require for the registration to us so that i will tell my boss to assist you in doing the registration in their UK office. My boss is currently preparing a list of donors he is taking to Uk for registration. If you are ready please us the information along with the registration fee so that i will add your name to the list.

Thanks for your understanding,
Awaiting your quick response.  

My character finds a use for an old faux account offered to him by a scammer a few years ago:

 

Having reconciled myself to the dicholostomy of having my kidneys forever separated, here is the informations you request:

Jack N. Ewehoff

Bank Account Details:   Bank of America, Account **********, Routing *********, Swift Code BOFAUS6SINQ, permanent home address *** ******* Street Central City CO 80427, no next of kin, fauxn 303-***-****.  How am I to send the 100 pounds?  

 

And finally...we get to how "Dr. Basheer" and his colleagues intend to scam Jack of 100 pound sterling:

thanks for the informations.
Your informations has been and noted what is just left now is the 100 pounds registration fee. please  send the 100 pounds to my secretary through moneyGram or western union transfer with his following payment details.

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  

 

 

After all the unique approach...it comes down to the same old "wire me money" and the scam is complete.

 

So he thinks.

 

Now it's time for a little *Jeopardy Theme* whilst we test his patience (since his reading acumen is already *BUZZZER*..FAIL..FAIL...FAIL):

 

 

I will take care of this moiquetish.  

 

 

I do not understand what you said.  Have you sent the money?  If so, my secretary requires a copy of the pay slip or MTCN soonest.  Time is not on our side.  

 

 

I will take care of this moiquetish.  

Good day,

Please check our conversation in my formal mail, it was boldly explained there why we are currently in our Nigeria branch hospital.  I still do not understand moiquetish so please read what this says and act on it soonest please.

 

"Note: We are from UK  but we are presently in the Nigeria because of this particular patient in our branch hospital in Nigeria and the current policy imposed by the English government which has to stop the sales of kidney in UK, due to that policy, the hospital management has decided to open new branches in less developing countries like Nigeria, Ghana, Mexico, Peru, Pakistan and Poland where the sales of kidney are legally accepted".

But my boss do go to UK every weekend for donors registration, that was the reason why you were advised to please  send the 100 pounds to the secretary through moneyGram or western union transfer with his following payment details.

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  

 

I guess that explains it about as well as you're able, Doc.  Moiquetish is a term used by people from Liechtenstein when they have abdominal cramps.  It might have made it into this conversation in a non sequitur way.  At any rate, thanks for explaining the explanation for the Nigerian shift.  I will now set about seeing to your request.
 

 

OK thanks for your understanding, please try to hasting up the registration process so that we can rescue the life of the recipient. he is actually in a critical condition.  Try and make the payment tomorrow so that we can we can finish the registration on time and take your registration certificate to the account department to approve your half payment immediately.

Thanks.  

 

 

That's all well and good, Doc, but if the patient is critical, where's the expedience in getting my kidney to them with haste and soonest?  How is this to be done?  I don't have a self-removal kit and I've never played a doctor on TV so what technique is to be applied?

 

 

You do not need to spend money in the course of the transplant, my hospital is responsible for all other cost, my hospital will make all the necessary arrangement to bring the patient to the surgery location and also provide your means of transportation to the hospital where the transplant will be carried out.

All you need to do now is to obtain your NKF registration certificate by sending the 100 POUNDS registration fee to the hospital secretary so that he will add your name to the list my boss is currently preparing for registration in uk.  please  send the 100 pounds to the secretary through moneyGram or western union transfer with his following payment details.

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  

 

 

Okay, that clarifies things like mud in the sun.  I will endeavor to get this handled by early in the new week.  Patience is a virtue and having a kidney donated makes me a patientce, I think.

 

 

Yes but you are the donor why the recipient is the patient. though on the other way you are both patients.  Please we are expecting to start the registration process by tomorrow, try and send your registration fee tomorrow so that we can proceed immediately.

Thanks.

Hey...if you're going to pay me 500,000 pound sterling for one kidney, do I get 1 million pound sterling for both kidneys?  And would that cost me 200 pound sterling to sign up for?    

 Now, you'd think that offering up both kidneys would catch the 'medically impossible' attention of a doctor, right?  Wellllll:

The both kidney will earn you 1000000 British pounds ( one million pounds) and the registration fee will be 400 British pounds because we will have to obtain two nkf certificates to carry out the two operations.  Please try and make the payment today via western union or moneyGram with the following secretary's payment details below:

 

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  

  

400 pounds???  Why is it four times as much to donate both kidneys?  Are you sure you're not overcharging me here?  I mean, look at the gift I am offering.

For perhaps one of the first times, Dr. Basheer momentarily seems like he's kinda sorta reading my character's responses...kinda sorta:

Sorry did you mean you as an individual wants to sell two kidneys? i think i misunderstood your question.

I thought you are asking of two persons registration certificate to sell both kidneys? 

Please make your question clearer to me for better understanding

Awaiting for your response,

 

 

Perhaps you did.  I was asking if I..me...volunteered two kidneys, would I get 1 million pounds and would it cost me 200 pounds or 400 pounds?  I must consider the long term economics in addition to the long term physical issues here.  Besides, my folks always told me that volunteerism is akin to many other isms.   Let me know the actual cost to donate both and how quickly you can pay me for my generosity.  I need to know what arrangements I'll need to make.

 

 ..or maybe kinda sorta not:

Thanks for your quick response,

I am very sorry for the misunderstanding, you are only require to pay 200 pounds for the nkf registration fee not 400 pounds and your total compensated amount for the both Kidneys will be (1000000 British pounds). 

The registration process will takes up to 3 working days before the registration certificates will be out. Once the registration certificates are out we will take it to the account department to approve your half payment of (500,000 British pounds) immediately, while the remaining half payment (500,000 British pounds) will be paid just before the surgery commence. Possibly under 4 working days you will receive your registration certificates and your payment.

 

Please all you need to do now is to send all the information require for the NKF registration to the secretary. The information require are your identity card or a small size of your picture, bank account details, permanent home address, next of kin name and phone number along with the 200 pounds registration fee. once you are done with the NKF registration, we will alert the account department to approve your half payment immediately.

Please try and send the registration fee via western union or moneyGram with the following secretary's payment details below: 

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting your response   

  

I guess my 200 pound fee is more important than medical facts to the doctor...time to start the *Jeopardy* clock:

 

 

It's good to know it will only cost me 200 pounds and life.    I was worried there for a minute.  I will attend to this within the next 36 hours.  In an age of so much malpractice, it's good to know that I'm dealing with professionals at it.  
 

Thanks for your quick response,

If its ready please try and send the fee via western union or moneyGram with the following secretary's payment details I already send.

So it's 'The Day'.  After all we've been through, tell me what do you think he'll do when he gets this with the following instructions:

 

 

 Okay...I know a local attendant at the Western Union near where Silas is.  Tell him to print this picture and take it to the Western Union, asking for Whacking Ewehoff (he'll know that's a specially arranged code with me).  Silas will show him this picture; Whacking will ask "what's this?"...Silas will respond "a henway".  Whacking will then ask "what's a henway?" and Silas will respond "200 pounds".  Whacking will pay him and we can get to the misappropriation of my kidneys for the betterment of just dropping in, to see what condition their condition was in.  Personally, I'm dying to see this fulfillment.  How about you?  

Repeatedly throughout this scambait, whoever is playing Dr. Nigel Basheer -- and his/her/its handlers -- have demonstrated a patented lack of understanding of the written word.  BUT...with the employment of the used-before henway maneuver, whoever it is on the scam end of this episode finally lets me know that they figured out what they were being told right along by my character, and lets me know it clearly and succinctly:

 

 

you asshole  

 

 

What, didn't you go to the right Western Union?  My contact there is still waiting for you.  

 

 

Alas, nothing but *crickets* from Dr. Nigel Basheer.  He wouldn't kidney, would he?  I would...