Saturday, September 12, 2015

Revenge Of The Smellcaster

This may or may not be Dr. Ayelala Mayowa, alleged spell caster and all around twatwaffle.

My character, Ben Dover, can't say.  'Cuz as this is writ, ol' Ben is supposed to be daid.

So said would happen the alleged smell caster, since ol' Ben tweaked him repeatedly via email.

When we last left Dr. Ayelala Mayowa, ol' Ben had been baiting him over his smell casting, and had heard nothing in response.

Then suddenly -- after copying the doctor of dubious antecedence with an edited scam -- the smell caster of Lagos speaked:

Hello the Gods are not at rest you coming to them seeking for help and not taking them serious. The ground of my Shrine is shaking!!!! and is giving a great warning right now you come
back and complete what ever you have with the Gods accomplish immediately says the Gods(Odumego) a word is enough for the wise!  

When it comes to Ben, it takes more than a few words to the wiseass:

It's hard to take a 'god' that looks like a feather-wearing flush toilet with a Harpo Marx 'honk honk' horn seriously, dude.  If the ground of your shrine is shaking, I'd suggest you move to a less earthquake-prone locality.  Though think twice about Guam; a congressdolt here thinks it's gonna
capsize.  As for wisdom, your shrine would gain some by remembering the worldly wisdom from none other than Gorkus, the 13th astrological sign signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air:  "if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?"   My wisdom sharing pet rock says "No charge for my wisdom to smellcasters".  
Odumego, gawd of smell casting and companion of Dr. Ayelala Mayowa
That went down badly in smell casting land:
The Gods are wise and not to be toyed with you are given 3 days to make the appeasing sacrifice to the Gods else evil will befall you and your household. Why will you come to me for a help when you know you are insultive and you dare challenge the Gods (Odumego) . You are
giving 3 days ultimatum else death shall be you penalty...I will show you what it takes to be a spell caster I warn now adhere before it's too late. A word is enough for the wise  
I, Ben and the pet rock were supposed to have been scrambling to look for a sacrifice.  We came up a tad short:
It's hard to take a 'god' that looks like a feather-wearing flush toilet with
a Harpo Marx 'honk honk' horn seriously, dude.  As for my making an
"appeasing sacrifice" to your feather covered flush toilet gawd, would a 12"
fecal offering suffice?  I have one ready to go, and by the grace of your
smell casting -- that meant to turn me into a platypus and missed,
instead converting my microwave into an antiquated 8 trac player --
I am more than happy to sacrifice it to you in honor of your fecal-like
character.  If odumassgo or whatever his nom de guerre is cannot be
satisfied with that as the appeasing sacrifice, then I rectum he'll have
to suck on a plunger.  Or you, whichever is handier for him.

Now as for -- to quote your goat -- "death shall be you penalty" -- it already
appears that your smell casting isn't as effective as your spellchecker, and
it doesn't work worth a sh*t either.  Besides, I has here with me a voodoo-capable
pet rock of dubious antecedence and not afraid to use it on either a feathered
flush toilet gawd of smellcasting inadequacy, OR on the smellcaster's totally
inept and runt-of-the-litter abject aboriginal moron.  So my ungabunga ooga
booga pet rock -- Seymour the Olfactorous Cacophony -- with the voodoo
that he do so w-eellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, gives you just 3 days to unshrink your
head and remove it from your anal orifice, at which time Seymour will happily
return it to one turd it's normal size or your monkey back.  Should you fail to
adhere to that schedule, the dreaded foo bird will shat upon thee, and it is
knowd far and widely that when the foo sh*ts, you wear it.

My wisdom sharing pet rock says "Next time you will be charged for his time and
the energy it costs him to do a few "ooga boogas" that generally irritate his rotator cuff.

Okay, Dr. Ungabunga, flush odumassgo and see if you can clear him widdout using
your lips as a plunger on him.  That would be your word for the wise:  plunger.  
Dr. Ayelala Mayowa becomes a smell caster of few words, even as he tries his best ominous impression:
It is done.  you will soon see.  The Gods (Odumego) are not merciful to those who mock the Gods.  
Oh whoops...looks like he missed again.  I won't tell Britney if you don't.
*Jeopardy Theme* while I wait to see what I turn into.  Or...when your smell casting aim goes askew (gesundheit) again...what my coffee maker turns into.  Or my spatula.  You really need to improve your aim, twatwaffle.  Did you know that your feather lined toilet gawd's mother dresses it dunny?  See what we just did there?  
Well...Ben's still pet rock's still around (he can't help it...he's built that way..."PHFFFFFFFT!!!")...and like it or not, I'm still around.
And Dr. Ayelala Mayowa's sulking in silence again.

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