A Little Research...Wouldn't Have Helped

It might have prevented the scammer from having faces made at him by Calvin 'n Hobbes.

But I doubt it.

This one is, on the whole, pretty abjectly stupid as scammers go.  I mean, lots of scammers like to call themselves "Rev"...but get the name right before presenting yourself as...well, here's the opening, you read it for yourself:

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU IN GOOD SPIRIT AND IN GOOD HEALTH? BECAUSE I AM QUITE AWARE OF YOUR LOSSES IN THE PAST YEARS NOW, IT MAY SURPRISE YOU THAT I AM ALSO AWARE OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES PURSUIT IN BENIN GHANA TOGO NIGERIA SPAIN FRANCE MALAYSIA INDONESIA CHINA AND KOREA .MY NAME IS MR. ROBERT JOHNSON,THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF AMERICA , AM IN CHARGE TO MONITORED ALL FOREIGN TRANSACTIONS IN AFRICA EUROPE AND ASIA.

I HAVE BEEN IN THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, MONITORING THE VARIOUS TRANSACTIONS GOING ON IN AFRICA, EUROPE AND ASIA, MOST ESPECIALLY CONSIGNMENTS CASES AND BANK TRANSFER. I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS.  

 

 

Granted, we do have a lot of stupid people in the USA these days that do drum circles in Occupy EPA superfund rapist camps that need 'rape-free' zones so the Occupy rapists can ignore that like illegal aliens ignore the law; or on college campuses that consider the Confederate flag atop the Dukes of Hazzard car to be more dangerous than ISIS.

 

But this scammer isn't even trying to do anything akin to credible research to make his scam sound remotely plausible.

 

He's probably seen some of the Watters interviews with morons on the street.

 

At any rate, that's the gist of a nearly four page email scam.  One that underwent a diet of length, in addition to the edit:

 

 

On Friday, July 10, 2015 9:22 AM, REV :ROBERT JOHNSON dep.homelandsecurity@inbox.lv will only know he wrote once he reads this:

HAVE YOU RIOTED AND LOOTED TODAY? NO? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR...AL SHARPTON IS COUNTING ON YOU!!!

 

 

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU IN A LOUSY PART OF TOWN WITH YOUR PANTS SOILED. BECAUSE I AM QUITE AWARE OF YOUR GAWDDANGED WHITE PRIVILEGE IN THE PAST YEARS NOW. IT MAY SURPRISE YOU THAT I AM ALSO AWARE OF WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR MEDICINE CABINET, ON YOUR COMPUTER, IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER AND WHO YOU'RE BANGING IN A CLOSET AT WORK. MY NAME IS MR. ROBERT JOHNSON, AND THIS WEEK I AM PLAYING AT BEING THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF AMERICA, WHEREIN I AM IN CHARGE TO MONITORED ALL FOREIGN SUPPOSITORIES IN AFRICA EUROPE AND ASIA.

 

I HAVE BEEN IN THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THEY DECIDED TO HIRE A PROFESSIONAL LARGE ANIMAL PROCTOLOGIST, JUST IN CASE HILLARY GETS ELECTED IN 2016. ONE LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT ASS AND YOU DON'T NEED FURTHER EXPLANATION.

 

 

BUT YOU CAN NOT BEGIN TO IMAGINE WHY A CAMEL ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATOR FROM BENIN HAS BEEN APPOINTED TO THE OBOLA REGIME AS A PROFESSIONAL LARGE ANIMAL PROCTOLOGIST TO SERVICE HILLARY'S OVERSIZED ASS STARTING IN 2017 ASSUMING SHE'S NOT INDICTED BEFOREHAND, CAN YOU? I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD.
 

IT ALL STARTED IN THE BACK OF A GREYHOUND BUS ROLLING DOWN HIGHWAY 41 IN THE YEARS BEFORE THE TEN, WHEN THEN NANCY BELA PELOSI AND DEBBIL WASHINGMACHINE SNITZ WERE ATTEMPTING TO CROSS POLLINATE WITH BARNEY FRANK, RESULTING IN BARRY SOETERO OBOLA AND A COVERED UP EPA VIOLATION THAT'S STILL POLLUTING.

 ANTARCTICA HAD POLAR BEARS AND PENGUINS LIVING IN RELATIVE HOMINY, UNTIL ONE PENGUIN FOUND A PAIR OF SYMBOLS AND OUT OF NO WHERE USEFUL CAME MSNBC.

 

MEANTIME, KIM JONG UN IS GETTING LARGER, WORSE HAIR STYLE ADVICE, AND JUST EXECUTED HIS IMAGE AND THE MIRROR IT WAS IN WITH A SALAD SHOOTER, CONVINCING THE TREY PARKER/MATT STONE DUDES TO FURTHER DELAY A TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE SEQUEL, SINCE THEY KNOW IT PISSES KIM OFF TO NO END.

 

MEANTIME, MARIE BARF CONTINUES TO HIT US WITH THEM NEGATIVE WAVES SO EARLY IN THE MORNING...IF SHE'D THINK THAT BRIDGE WILL BE THERE, AND IT'LL BE THERE. IT'S A MOTHER BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE, AND IT'S GONNA BE THERE. SCHMUCK.

 

THE BENIN GOVERNMENT AND NIGERIA ARE OVERRUN WITH OFFICIALS FULLY INFECTED WITH ORAL GENITAL WARTS. MSNBC HIRED ONE OF THEM; 'SHE' OPERATES UNDER THE ALIAS OF RACHAL MADCOW. DON'T TELL THE DILDO SHE USES.

 

WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT, SINCE THE DUCKS OF HAZZARD HAS BEEN BANNED FROM TV RE-RUNS, THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE FOR LEFTIST TWATWAFFLES WITH ALL THE INTELLECT OF A PETRIFIED TYRANNOSAURUS REX TURD.

 

 

WHEN I ARRIVE IN THE BENIN PARLIAMENT IN COTONOU, I FOUND YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS HAD MADE IT HERE AND THAT THEY WERE ATTEMPTING TO USE IT TO CONTACT YOU VIA A DEAD VOODOO WITCH DOCTOR APP NAMED LOUIS FAIRYKAHN OF THE NINCOMPOOPS OF WUZLAM.

 

IT APPARENTLY DIDN'T WORK, AS YOU'RE HEARING FROM ME, FIRST.

 

TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE, DURING MY RECENT ROUTINE RE-CHECKING, I PERSONALLY DISCOVERED THAT NOT ONE PERSON IN BENIN AS A CLUE WHO MILEY CYRUS OR KIM KARCRASHIAN IS. AMAZEBALLS. WHICH MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EXPLAIN TO THE FOLKS HERE THAT SALLY KOHN IS REALLY A LAZYBOY VIBRATING RECLINER BED PAN. PEOPLE HERE SHOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT BEFORE NOW.


 

 

BASED ON THIS PERSONAL DISCOVERY, I AM CONTACTING YOU NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WITH MY POSITION AND POWER AS THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY – GOOD FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS SCAM OR NEXT THURSDAY'S PYGMY KIDNEY STEW, WHICH EVER COMES OR BREATHES HARD FIRST – I CAN ASSIST YOU TO BECOME AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT SO YOU CAN HAVE MORE RIGHTS THAN A LEGAL RESIDENT OF THE US GETS.

 

 

HOW CAN I DO ALL THIS? BECAUSE I HAVE CALLED OUR OFFICE IN WASHINGTON,DC FROM BENIN, WHO HAS BEEN INTERCEPTING ALL YOUR TELEPHONE CALLS, WITH THE HELP OF MTN, TIGO VODAFONE AND AIRTEL NETWORK BENIN, USING DIXIE CUPS PLACED AGAINST TREE TRUNKS IN DEADTROIT.

 

I ALSO RECEIVED SOME INFORMATION FROM OUR HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICE IN BENIN REPUBLIC, ABOUT YOUR EMAILS, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN EDITING, AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE OFFENDING A GREAT MANY SUBHUMANS OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE AND NOT VERY HYGENIC BUTT LICKING TENDENCIES. YOU REALLY SHOULD STOP MAKING FUN OF HILLARY LIKE THAT.

 

 

YOU ARE ADVICE TO HENCE FORT STOP FURTHER DEALINGS WITH ALL THE ABOVE MENTIONED PEOPLE, UNTIL WE COMPLETE OUR INVESTIGATION TO SEE IF URANUS WILL TAKE THEM AS TOXIC WASTE REFUGEES. ESPECIALLY SALLY KOHN AND HILLARY.

 

I WISH TO INFORM THAT WE THE HOMELAND SECURITY IS WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO VIA A CAMERA ON THE TIP OF A ROTO ROOTER SNAKE WE RUN UP YOUR TOILET WHEN YOU'RE USING IT. DANG, YOU NEED TO CUT DOWN ON THE TOFU CHEESEBURGERS. AND PLEASE STOP PRACTICING THE FARTING OF BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IN E FLAT...YOU'RE NOT THAT GOOD AT IT.

 

ALSO, PLEASE CLEAN OUT YOUR REFRIGERATOR. YOUR LEFTOVERS HAVE ATTACKED OUR LAST TWO ROTO ROOTER TOILET SNAKE CAMERAS AND THOSE DANGED THINGS COST MONEY THAT WOULD OTHERWISE FUND ANOTHER VACATION FOR MOOCHELLE. THIS IS DIRECTLY FROM OUR PRESIDENT BARRY SOETERO OBOLA.

 

 

AS SOON AS YOU FINISH READING THIS AND REALIZE THAT I CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WHO I CLAIM I SAY I AM TO BE, WOULD YOU GO AHEAD AND SEND ME $20 FOR SOME METH?

I HAVE A VERY LIMITED TIME TO STAY HERE BEFORE I CHANGE BACK INTO ONE OF SHEILA JACKSON LEE'S NOSTRILS, SO I WOULD LIKE YOU TO URGENTLY RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE WITH THE COMPLETE ANALYSIS OF AN NFL QUARTERBACK'S THROWING MOTION WITH DEFLATED BALLS. IT MIGHT HELP ME BETTING THE ODDS IN VEGAS NEXT SUPER BOWL. PLEASE TREAT THIS AS MATTER OF URGENCY.

 

SINCERELY YOURS,

REV :ROBERT JOHNSON

Tel-phone number+229-98463992

SECRETARY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

(ON LOAN FROM THE BENIN CAMEL ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION PROJECT)

 

Needless to say, the scammer did not reply to my cleaning up of his edit.  It could be on accounta cuz (a) I sent him a blunt critique of it before the edit and (b) he might be a Hellary supporter.  If so, he'd better have a stout back to hold up that ass...