The Pet Rock Piles On Kim Jong Un Some More...
Like that of my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour.
Here is Seymour's latest tweak at the Pudgemeister:
How is Kim Jong-un trying to get a Team America World Police movie?
Executions, terror, a really bad 'doo and singing really badry may mask a deeper insecurity by the young leader, who doesn't yet have the movie role he covets.
The Pudgemeister has recently carried out a series of exotic and perverse executions and purges of translators and others suspected of pissing him off, and North Korea’s pharmaceutical program just announced that it has cured AIDs, SARs, MERs, LOL, LMAO and WTF. Those, along with Dennis Rodman's favorite porkster's obsession with getting his own Team America World Police sequel, are the main reasons the rest of the world laughs a good deal at the shadowy and isolated nation and it's ridiculous leader.
Recently, for example, Kim, now quite portly, won a cheeseburger eating competition while touring a new airport he didn't know Pyongyang had since the 1990s. Kim won the eating competition because he had all other competitors tied to and dragged behind MIG-15s which Kim thinks are the most advanced tanks in Asia. Knowing his talent for having unpleasants scattered to the winds in front of anti-aircraft guns, no one at the official Korean Central News Agency wants to let him know that MIG 15s are 60 + year old fighter jets of a bygone era.
“If he says they're tanks, they're tanks” said anonymous sources that were still in one piece as of this going to press.
The KCNA report did omit an unpleasant detail: the architect of the one and only flushing toilet at the airport, Ma Won-chun, is believed to have been executed by placing him across the barrel of a 120 mm gun and 'test firing' it, according to sources that needed an umbrella to shield themselves from Won-chun's pieces 'n parts.
Kim was reportedly upset that he wasn't told that Pyongyang had an airport until last month, which "didn't bear in mind that I need to know about sh*t rike this,” as NK News detailed from contacts inside the North, but which can't be confirmed because they got tied to a missile test that was aimed at the Sea of Japan and wound up hitting Detroit. Not that what's left of Detroit would have noticed.
The executions, the cheeseburger binges and getting the leading role in a Team America World Police movie sequel may be central to Kim's authoritah and North Korea's longer-by-the-day chances of survival of it. The bad haircut just added to the already ludicrous figure.
Leading geopsychologist Seymour PetRock has studied Kim and has concluded that the show of power as seen in propaganda film and video, as well as Kim’s ability to order executions, may mask a serious eating and sex disorder hidden from view of a variety of analysts and diplomats, some of whom have spent time in the North before being blown in pieces back South all over the DMZ.
What's left of them say that the young heir to the dysentery founded by Kim Il-sung, suffers from an insecurity complex that even getting a McDonald's franchise didn't cure, and when it comes to his cheeseburger binges, Kim doesn't trust even his closest aides to pick up his orders.
MASKING A YAK?
The unconfirmed but whispered about often masking of a yak in the Pudgemeister's palace, highlight the shaky ground Kim is on as he tries to be taken seriously at the Academy Awards, analysts say, without either the haircut or big screen credentials of his father, Kim Jong Il, star and soloist of the classic hit “I So Ronery” in the immensely popular-in-China Team America World Police movie.
Far from being "a sign of mental maturity," says Victor Buono, who had some amusing roles on The Wild Wild West, the purges and executions "are symptomatic of a really pissy pudgepot with a pms streak a tampon plus wide."
A key reason Asian analysts continue to watch Kim closely is the evident success of his quest for the movie role that he is convinced will get him a Noballs Peace Prize, which in the past few years are awarded to the equivalent of door knobs and tree stumps, like in 2009.
As the centerpiece of Kim's drive to impress Trey Parker and Matt Stone – creators of the first Team America World Police – Kim's taking of singing, ballet and acting lessons from Arec Bardwin has never been so important as now as a point of gaining Academy Award attention.
Not that it's working.
"Kim Jong-un regards a leading role in a Team America World Police sequel as the core of his future legacy," says Cheong Seong-chung, director of trying to figure out where the Noballs Committee went astray with awards in '09 and since. "North Korea isn't able to maintain much of anything that Kim won't eat or execute, but can fan the odor of really bad kimshi south with great emphasis."
Reports given to American officials by Chinese intelligence suggest that the North may now have as many as 20 possible script ideas that Kim wants Parker and Stone to use in the making of the sequel.
NO MINIATURIZED MINI-KIM, SO FAR
While North Korea's short-range economic and social prospects suck, its mid-range weather forecast is such that Kim went to the beach, only to have Greenpeace activists trying to push him into the water.
That went as one might have expected...Kim executed the lot. Tied them to a test long-range Tiemydong missile that blew up on the launch pad. Some of their parts could reach the US in the jet stream, since the missile went phffffft which got the leading six scientists working on it fed to piranha yorkis.
At present, scientists and engineers in the North have not figured out how to fix a hamster with a really big dong. That is now the quest driving Kim Jong-un to order and often witness hamster genital surgeries. With that capability, North Korea holds a perversion that even Western porn stars won't eagerly compete with.
"He's at the point where the 50 pound weight gain this year is reaching fruition," says Bruce Klinger, a former dietician introduced to Kim by Dennis Rodman. "The best estimate is he can go 10 to 16 pounds more by September."
North Korea has conducted three underground bracing systems to shore up the floors in Kim's palace to accommodate his weight gain, and is presumably preparing for a fourth – despite warnings from China, which fears a major earthquake if Kim breaks through the floor in Pyongyang.
The drive for a leading role in a Parker/Stone movie parallels tumultuous shifts among Kim's entertainment choices that have baffled top aides, most of whom survive by not saying sh*t since his father, Kim Jong-il, died nearly four years ago. Most recently, Kim sought to affirm his authoritah by the execution of Gen. Hyon Yong-chol, minister of the people's armed forces, believed by South Korea's National Intelligence Service to have been executed by anti-aircraft gun at the suggestion of South Park character Eric Cartman, during one of Cartman's moments of being a douche according to Stan and Kyle.
PUBLIC HUMILIATION WHEN KIM FARTED
Hyon's execution was the latest in a series that included, most dramatically, the public humiliation and then the killing of his uncle-in-law, Jang Song Thaek, in December 2013, after Kim farted during a public speech and Jang laughed. His downfall indicated Kim's desire to suppress "raughing when I fart."
Mr. Buono, now a late actor, sees the entire Kim episode as “just one more example of the North Korean asshole acting up.”
Choi Jin-wooki, president of the Korea Institute of National Uterus, agrees. "He is very serious about getting that movie role," says Mr. Choi. "He thinks it is the most important to his survival. [The] purge is for him to eliminate any media critics. He wants to say that I am winning the Oscar for Best Actor in 2016."
But how does purging dissidents – or mere recalcitrants – relate to getting a leading movie role in a pretty stupid, if funny, puppet movie?
In the "politics of Kim," says Kim Tae-what, a former North Korean media critic, now a professor at an undisclosed continent, country, city and underground 'safe bunker', "every last fawning, groveling ninny there wets themselves in fear and tries to not laugh when Kim farts."
Kim may appear "more committed than his father to the whole idea of fame and fortune on a stupid puppet movie," he says, but actually "is far less likely to get that movie made because Parker and Stone consider him a twatwaffle."
Seymour really hopes Kim is reading these. I think we'll know that when we see a rock skeleton with Seymour's name on it at the bottom of the shark tank in the palace, next to Hans Brix's.