The Pet Rock Picks On Kim Jong Un Again
As a tourist mecca.
Actually, the idea DID please my pet rock, Seymour. So much so, he edited this post accordingly:
Holiday in Hell? North Korea demands tourists
Right after drastic underwater nuclear missile tests and execution of their Defense Minister via anti-aircraft gun, North Korea's drowned, emptied, reinflated and whackadoodle leader is demanding that all tourism to the Far East come through their door so that the country can show off its "sociarist fairyrand" to tourists.
The demands made on tourism come from Kim Jong Un himself and, in typical fashion, officials are doing whatever they have to by setting lofty goals in their effort to please their leader and not wind up getting fed to dogs or executed by a tactical Salad Shooter.
About 100,000 Chinese tourists came to North Korea last year, most of whom suffered jaw injuries from excessive yawning.
Kim Suk Hork, a senior economist at the influential Academy of North Korean Fairyrand Sciences, told The South Park Sentinel that the North insists on cornering the Far East tourist market by around 2017.
Pyongyang's demands to insist on tourism may sound typical of Kim Jong Un's delusional world view of hisself as all powerful, but being as he is a pudgy doofus dictator with a bad hair cut in a country more backward than Burntimore, it comes as little surprise to Dennis Rodman.
Un demands all tourism to the Far East come through North Korea despite the fact that all tourists will see is a country brutally repressed, starving, backward and relentlessly bleak. Rodman for one disagreed: "visiting my pudgy honkey buddy will make folks better appreciate Deadtroit".
A carefully speaking North Korea Tourism spokesperson said that "Forced tourism will produce many, many hostages which will be sources of badly needed cash, so that's why our country is putting priority on it," adding that along with substandard mountains, barb wired and mined secluded beaches and a seemingly endless array of monuments of Kim Jong Un, the North has another ace up its sleeve — only the North can provide a tour of Dear Leader's Pyongyang Palace, to disprove the rumor started by Trey Parker and Matt Stone that the skeleton of Hans Brix is floating around in a shark tank therein.
"People in foreign countries think in a wrong way about our country after that stupid movie," Kim said, brushing aside facts. "We demand that they send us their tourists so that we can indoctrinate them correctly."
Opponents of forced tourism to North Korea insist it's like giving Iran a nuke: sandpoundingly stupid. Still, the badly-run State Department strongly advises U.S. citizens that if “properly hashtagged and nuanced, a trip to North Korea will provide jobs to isis and make them peace loving and good democraps” said Marie Barf.
None of that has convinced any but the most abjectly stupid of leftist tourists from the US and Europe to forego Disneyland to see a leftist udopia, which is why North Korea is demanding the tourists be compelled to visit.
"About 99.9% of the tourists who come are from correct thinking ideologies," said state tourism official Kim Dung Il. "We want ALL tourists forced to come here, so we can impress upon them proper thinking and viewing of North Korea. We also want to subliminally force them to start a hastag campaign to get Parker and Stone to make a Team America World Police sequel that stars our Dear Leader."
While the overall quality of life in North Korea frankly sucks, efforts to build permanent accommodations...er....attractions for visitors and the infrastructure required to host them are already underway.
Amid the predominantly bleak surroundings, those attractions, which are also used to punish dissident North Koreans, have lots of striking features.
In Pyongyang, some of the more claimed-to-be popular tourist sites include a new, high-tech shooting range, where visitors can carry out executions of disowned relatives of Kim Jong Un, who are right then and there prepared to eat for packs of hungry dogs. There is also a new indoctrination center, a huge waterboarding park and revamped "fun fairs" replete with age old and new forms of torture, fast-food stands where all workers are paid $15/hour and lead happily bleak and controlled lives, and a one of a kind 500-D theater where Dear Leader plans to show the Team America sequel featuring hisself, once Parker and Stone are interned...er...compelled to come visit North Korea. After a year of feverish construction, Pyongyang's new international airport outhouse could open as soon as next month with the only real flushing toilets outside of Dear Leader's palace.
Outside of the duct taped and baling wired capital, where funds, electricity and adequate lodging are a candle and a slit trench, well....it's best if you are allowed to stick to Pyongyang.
A luxury ski resort planned for Wonsan was cancelled when they were advised that their claim of “the finest, most challenging skiing in the world” – skiing on flat ground through a minefield – wasn't selling in Switzerland. A number of rebuilt restaurants have sprung up along the city's beachfront area, which while grudgingly popular with locals, are dubiously viewed by visitors due to outdoor barbeques of Kim Jong Un's executed relatives.
|"I see Uncle Wu!"|
As you can see, North Korea is approaching tourism the same way it does everything else: via demand.
Tourists of any nationality can expect constant monitoring, a lot of visits to model prisons, schools and farms, along with always-staged events intended to promote Pyongyang's unique brand of authoritarian repression. Like all other visitors to the North, they have few opportunities to interact with average people or observe their daily sublifestyle.
Tourists can expect enforced tourism extensions if they displease Dear Leader.
An American tourist who impulsively left a Bible in a provincial nightclub was detained for nearly six months. If it had been a Koran, Obola would have sent Air Farce One to pick him up.
Seymour continues to expect a Pulitzer for writing like this. I suspect he might get a free visa to Pyongyang.