It's Not Just A Job...

*a scambait reprise from early '08, while I take a bit of a break from the action*

It's a piece of cake...that explodes. Or at least it did in the example at the right.

Yours truly got another job offer. One from a so-called "legitimate" business: Kraft Foods Limited. Seems their Australian operation is in serious need of hep, and whadda ya do when youse needs hep? You goes where you kin gits it. To the good ol' USofA. Lotsa gullible onliners here, lookin' to make an easy buck.

Oh whoops....they contacted me, instead:

Kraft Foods Australia is one of the leaders in the packaged foods industry and we have been around since 1926. Kraft is a household name in Australia, synonymous with foods of the highest quality, produced for both local and overseas consumption. These include cheeses, mayonnaise, spreads, salad dressings, packaged meals, snack foods, coffee and confectionary (yeah, who don't remember Kraft Mac 'n Cheese, which I ate in copious quantities, along with frozen pizzas, ramen noodles, beanie-weenies and that Chef Boyardee crap, back in college).

Our headquarters is located in Melbourne with manufacturing plants located in Victoria and South Australia. We have reached big sales volume in the America/Canada/Europe market as a reult of this, we are looking for dynamic sales force (aka, gullible online suckers) on the role as online processing/payment officer whose duties will be processing orders as well as recieving payment on behalf of the company.

You earn commission on your job. If this proposal sounds interesting to you, then take the first big step (in getting scammed) and contact us at: (oh whoops, they didn't list where to contact at...*amateurs*) As soon as we hear from you, we shall give you the necessary information needed for the contract.

Thanks for your anticipated (aka, high level of gullibility) co-operation.

Roger .k. Deromedi,

Kraft Foods Limited

Email: ppppgb@aim.com

I dunno if Curly ever had the artery-hardening pleasure of Kraft Mac 'n Cheese, but I decided to dig him up to reply as follows:

Dear Limited Krapfters,

Yo, Adrian, count me in heah. But instead of money, just pay me in cases of Kraft Mac 'n Cheese. I'll take six cases for openers. Send them to: J. C. Howard, c/o 4334 Whittier Blvd, Los Angeles CA 90023.

J. C. Howard

Sometimes, being a smart arse in reply doesn't pay. But not this time:

Mr. J. C. Howard

We are delighted with your reply and we thank you for your prompt repsonse to the mail and look forward to doing business you (typo or Freudian slip?).

We need the following informations for you so our customers can have ability to contact with you with their payments (oh, how I am soooooo encouraged here with their command of English). They went on to ask for all the info I already gave them, along with my marital status, my occupation, and a direct telephone contact number. I told them my marital status was long-term separated; my occupation was as a deceased comedian; and my contact number was one that I had from years ago, as the main switchboard (back then, anyway) to Universal Studios.

Baaaaaaaaaad Skunk.

They closed with Thank you again for your reply we expect your reply and look forward to a sincere (LMAO...stop it, stop it, yer killin' me hyar....*snort*) and positive relationship with you.

With my prompt reply sent, I found myself wondering if the folks at the Home of Peace Memorial Park and Cemetery would be kind enough to sign for Curly's six cases of mac 'n cheese. I kinda doubt it, but all would be for naught, if Rog 'n Co. bothered to fact-check any iota of my provided information.

Four days later, it became obvious that they hadn't bothered:

Dear Jerome C. Howard

Our customer will send you a cheque soonest, i will keep you posted once they sended it. Hope to hear soonerst from you.

Roger

Yawp...once they leave the basic script, it just goes downhill, spelling-and-otherwise. At any rate, with 'game on', Curly's ready to play:

Rog,

I thank you for this advisement. Once you notify me the cheque is enroute, I shall dig into my new responsibilities with dead earnestness and rigor. The mortis the merrier, I always say. Your trust in me is a grave responsibility that I won't bury in apathy, you may rest assured.

I waited five days, hearing nothing. So, Curly decides to see just how disconnected these yardboids are:

Rog,

Hey, you wuz supposed to tell me when a customer was sending a cheque! I got one in the mail yesterday! Now what do I do widdit?

A day later, a reply:

Dear Jerome,

You should have received a cheque from our customer for $6500. did you get this amunt please? if so, you are to cash it as soonest you can, keep your 10%, and send the rest of the $5850 with Western Union to Desmond Ahanon, London, England (the company is in Australia, and I'm to send the money to some yahoo in London? Bloody laughin' me arse off at the cheek this bloomin' wanker is showing). Use test question 'money for' and test answer 'customer payment'. Send soonest and let me know mtcn number in email.

Then comes another carrot: Another customer will send you payment of $35,000 dollars this week please keep posted once you received the Cheque. Thank for your co-operates.

Curly throws ol' Rog a bone:

You can depend on me, Rog. I'll take care of it. And another payment for $35,000 is coming or at least breathing hard? You soitently got a nice racket going here, Rog! I like this business you're giving me!

A weekend intercedes -- I note that Rog doesn't apparently do or have access to email on weekends -- and then I let Monday go by, too. This gets Rog a touch anxious:

Howard,

I no here from you about the $5850. Is you cashed yet? Please advise the mtcn number soonest. Another cheque coming. Please hurry, is important.

So I wait another day, and then give widda little *tweak*:

Rog,

In the interests of economy and expediency, I decided to wait on the larger $35,000 cheque to arrive, then I'll take care of both at once. I have the $6500 cheque sitting right where I can stare at it and drool. BTW, did you send my six cases of mac 'n cheese yet?

Apparently, the first part of that reply wasn't at all to Rog's satisfaction:

Howard,

No no no this is one payment at time. you must send first payment as instruct and then do next when it arrive. Please do this now. send to London soonest and keep me notified of mtcn.

MTCN, mtschn...

Rog,

Now, don't go gettin' all excited, you'll mix your Preparation H with the Poly-Grip, and then where will you be? It is simply expedience that dictates I wait for this second cheque, so I can send your lad in London a passel of weakening dollars against the pound. You do remember I am a deceased retired comedian, right? It does take me a bit longer to get around, yes? Remember an old addage I just thought up, patience is a virtue, and hospitals are most virtuously replete widdem. When I get the second cheque, I'll let you know.

Rog's total focus is on the first cheque, and obviously so:

Howard

YOU MUST LISTEN NOW DON'T WASTE FOR NEXT CHEQUE, SEND $5850 AS INSTRUCTED NOW AND KEEP ME POSTED. THIS IS CONTRACT JOB, YOU MUST FULLFILL CONTRACT. ACT SOONEST.

Now Rog is tweaked. So let's tweak him some more, by waiting for the weekend to reply:

Rog,

Now, don't you go raising your font with me, fella. I know my job and my contractual obligations under the Municipal Code 1.1.1. In any event, you can quit yer frettin': I got the second cheque. After I deduct my 25%, I'll send along to Desmond Ahooha in London, the balance. There's a good boss, now.

I wonder if Rog and his handlers will notice I'm starting the old 'up the ante' game widdem? Comes Tuesday, and I get this from Rog:

Howard,

You say you got cheques. where is mtcn? I speak with Desmond and he tell me nothing come to Western Union from you. What is gone on please? Reply soonest.

I figured "soonest" would be a couple of days:

Rog,

Well, Rog, y'know...speaking of contractual agreements and such...I did ASK for six cases of Kraft Mac 'n Cheese to be delivered. You tacitly agreed by hiring me. It is therefore part of our contractual agreement. It ain't been done. So, I ain't yet sent the money to Desmond Tutu, or whatever he calls himself. And, for every day that you fail to fulfill your part of the bargain, my holding fee goes up 2.5%. I am now going to hold 30%. Time's money, Rog. Get that mac 'n cheese crackin' me lad, or crikey, Desmond's share is gonna continue to atrophy before your email eyes!

Curly

I had to wait until the following Monday for this gem of a reply:

HOWARD,

STOP THIS WE HAVE CONTRACT SEND MONEY KEEPING ONLY WHAT WAS AGREED FIRST OR LEGAL ACTION WILL BE STARTED. WE HAVE YOUR PERSONALS LOCATION AND WILL HAVE POLICE TO YOU. SEND MONEY NOW. THIS IS UNFAIR OF YOU! THIS WILL NOT GO WELL FOR YOU UNLESS YOU DO YOUR PROMISE AND SEND MONEY NOW.

I'm really not sure how to break this to ol' Rog, but I'm sure Curly is:

Rog,

*Eye-poke*! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Police? Legal action? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! I just checked my calculator thingee, and I see that I now get to keep....uh...2 carry the five...why soitenly...I get to keep the whole $41500! Nyah nyah!

Yeah, so you have all my poisonal informations...call the police! Send 'em over! Of corpse, have them dig me up and serve me with papers! We'll make a party of it! We'll serve cadaviar, and me and the boys will put on an old Vaudeville show the likes of which they never seen before!

All because you didn't send my promised mac 'n cheese, you sex toy to a crazed roo!

By the way, Rog...next time you want to scam someone, try reading carefully their reply, you intellect-of-a-tree-stump. I'm dead! D-A-I-D! You've been trying to scam a DEAD GUY! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA! How stupid are you gonna look all over the world wide web, when I post this for everyone to read? YOU GOT BENT OVER BY A CORPSE! MWHAHAHAHAHA!

You kill me, Rog...no wait, that's already happened. See what I just did there? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Bite me,

Jerome "Curly" Howard

1903-1952

The Three Stooges

I guess ol' Rog lost his lust for legal action, or any further contact, after that reply. If only he'd a come through with the mac 'n cheese. Not that it woulda done me any good at a cemetery in Los Angeles, but eh...details, details.