Mystery Shopping Miasma -- II

Soooooo...my 'mystery shop' employer -- calling hisself Terry Mcguire, perhaps aka, Boris Badinov -- thinks he's found, in my character, Jack N. Ewehoff, the pot at the end of the rainbow.

To quote a reader h'yar, *snerx*. As noted in the photo, that pot ain't all it's cracked up to be.

After some preliminary skirmishing, wherein my character plays the "how does this work? I don't understand" game, and Terry tries to hep my character understand, Terry gets down to exactly what is needed for Jack to do as a 'mystery shopper':

You will have to use your own money for the first shop, but you will be reimbursed double your initial payment *TOING* and after about 3 Mystery shopping you will be promoted as our permanent (dumb ass) staff and you may be a recuiting officer and get to recuit new members to mysery shop.

I am laughing my ass off here. And he continues:

you should proceeb with your Mystery Shopping asap and send $500 through Western Union to the following details below and access the services and take notes when require. Here are the details you need to mysery shop to at the nearest western union outlet closest to you.

Name: Amy Santiago

Address: 101 Westbourne Terrace Paddington, London W2 6JR

Get back to me with both the western union details that would be needed to have the money picked up *TOING* by another mystery shoper in the UK. and the notes taken down when being rendered serviced at the western union and the ttoal amount spent to send the money while mystery shopping and you would be conpensated asap.

My simple reply:

$500? Wow. But you did say you'd reimburse me at double my investment? Dang. That's...that's almost twice what I have to spend! I wish you'd contacted me several jobs ago.

Do you have any peculiar Western Unions you want me to mysery shop?

He does indeed, and I note he selects those somewhat geographically akin to my given (bogus) address in Central City:

The shop we would want you to deal with today is (and he names a grocery store in Idaho Springs, CO; a Loaf n Jug mini mart in Bergen Park/Evergreen; and a liquor & grocery store in Empire, CO). You is to proceeb there asap and do a mysery shop and send the amount of $500 from each and yes you would get double the price back and reimbursement in less than 1 week.

$500 x 3??? Oh, I'm glad he thinks I'm so easy. And he goes on:

Get it done asap as efficency as highly appreciate (if done as he asks, I am damned sure it will be highly appreciate). Hope to read from you soon with the Western Union detail for your Mystery shop and necessary note and recommendation.

After taking a day to mull over the approach, I decide to have my character choose to "visit" the furtherest of the three locations: a little liquor/grocery store in Empire, called Tomato Liquor & Grocery. My character, of course, is careful to take what he reckons are helpful and informative mystery shopper notes of his visit to the aforementioned, and he reports it to 'Terry/Boris' thus:

As you instructed, I selected from the list of Western Union shops you sent me. Deciding it was a nice day for a drive, I went to the Tomato Liquor & Grocery, located in Empire, CO. It's a rustic location, with a large inflatable Shrek doll out front. Why, I don't know. At least Donkey wasn't there, procreating with the dragon. That would have been a bit much.

As I entered, I nearly tripped over a 30 lb chihuahua -- it is apparently named "Booger" -- that lay in the floor near the doorway. I don't think the dog could have moved if it wanted to. One attempt by the dog to wag its tail caused it a rump cramp, and the tail curled into a knot. I was gonna buy it a bag of Slim Fast Dog Biscuits, but there weren't any.

Toward the right, inside the door, was a cashier station, and a kindly-looking curmudgeon ensconced behind the antique cash register. With a rumbling "Hidy, wha' kin ah dew fer yew?", and a small stream of drool down his chin, the cashier -- giving his name as Heinz Katzsup -- ponderously directed me to a counter in the back corner of the store, where I saw a Western Union sign, and a gregarious, rotund woman who flashed a toothless grin and a "Hidy, how kin ah hep yew?". Her name was Huntz, Heinz's wife of 47 years and a missed annulment.

So, to answer your first two shopper questions, (1) service was immediate and (2) the politeness of the attendants was exemplary, if not their respective appearances. I would also add that their customer service professionalism (3) was better than their outward appearances belied.

But that's when the visit went south: when I inquired about sending a Western Union, Huntz laboriously shook her head, inadvertently losing her lower plate of false teeth into a nearby decorative spittoon (I sure hope it was decorative), and mumbled "tain't workin' righ' now, sonny". When I asked why, Huntz said that Heinz tried to send a Western Union that morning, and had drooled on it, "fixin' 'er gud". Huntz said "Ah reckon it'll be a coon's age afore we git the Western Union feller up h'yar ta repare the danged thang".

With that, a heartfelt apology -- and a thoughtful towel to wipe off the spittle Huntz showered me with -- I bought a bottle of Mogen David ("bettr than Ripple", Heinz assured me), and left.

So I will have to try the place in Bergen Park/Evergreen -- the Loafing Jugs -- after work tomorrow.

You're going to love that not only was there a reply from Terry, but the "hope springs eternal in my gullibility" sense to it:

We have recieved your email. Did you make a transfer of funds at any of the western union outlets. if you did you would need to send the details of the transfer or preferably a scanned copy of the western union Receipt. I must commend you for your promptness and detailed analysis.

Get back to me soonest with the western Union receipt and not forgeting my shot of Mogen david..lol.

A scammer widda sense of humor. That might prove useful.

So a suitable amount of time after my real work, I sat down and decomposed Terry another mystery shop on the Loafing Jugs in Bergen Park/Evergreen:

Sir, I am beginning to think I understand why you selected the locations you did to be mystery shopped. I reckon the owners of those respective businesses were in desperate need of something.

The Loafing Jugs I visited was a busy place, between their self-serve gas pumps, lotto sales, and prodigious amounts of slurpees and Twinkies that were leaving the place. Too busy, as it turned out, for me to get my Western Union sent.

The one clerk -- a rather frumpy, tobacco-stained and red-eyed woman who might have been a looker when Nixon was president -- gave me not the time of day for nearly 30 minutes, while I stood at the Western Union machine window, and she processed a stream of the gas, lotto and slurpee throng. When finally I was able to get her attention, she brusquely informed me through tobacco-stained teeth, that the clerk that ran the Western Union -- she referred to her coworker as "that snarky slut" -- called in sick, and she didn't have time to mess with it.

So, in promptness of service, politeness and professionalism, the dinosaurette drew a FAIL, FAIL, and FAIL. But the Coke Slurpee was good.

Sorry. Guess I'll try the other place you mentioned, in Idaho Springs, on Monday.

Terry/Boris is being patient with me so far:

It is desappointing that you have not yet send the western Union but I complement you for the detail and quality of your shops. it is well that we hire you we can see. You must succeed now to send the $500 from the western union we tell you ASAP. your pay will be double you will see. I like slurpees too.

But a bit of impatience starts to seep into his next email on the Sunday before I go *annoyance*:

We look forward to read from you today once you succesful complete your mystery shop and wire the funds. Make sure you remain discreet and also take not of the details and let us know specific the amount it cost you to amke the wire transfer to my other mystery shopper in the UK. Please try today to be successful and it will go well for you.

So I'll start by throwing him a bone...followed by a wrench:

Sorry for the delay, but good news! The transfer has been completed. You can tell Ms Santiago that the money is there, and I'll be happily looking for my doubled return by weeks' end.

The Safeway store in Idaho Springs is an older facility, but staffed with really nice people, even if half of them don't have teeth. The very young lady at the Customer Service counter (where the WU is) was new and in training, so I acted as if this was my first Western Union transfer ever (which, come to think of it, it was). She -- with her trainer's help -- took me through each step of the process. She was most polite and very attendant, but her tongue piercing -- about the size of a marble -- was a bit of a distraction, and caused her to slur any words with vowels. Which was pretty much all of them. But she worked hard to serve, and I didn't let her tongue piercing distract from her customer service.

I did have to laugh at the end, when she said "is there anything else I can do for you?", and I asked her if it would be a bother if I paid her for the wire transfer. She almost choked on her tongue piercing, and was very appreciative that I didn't skip out on it. The total of the wire transfer was $529.95 (transfer and cost).

So, sir, I have a successful mystery shop under my belt. I look forward to a promotion.

Of course, I omitted the only thing that the scammer was really interested in. Which he points out later that day:

What is the MTCN of your transfer, please? You forgot to tell me that part. The rest is vital, yes, but I need the number to verify your success.

*Game on*:

What? The MTCN? What is that? Where WAS that? You say I needed it?

You need to get the western union slip or better still if you have the 10 digit western union control number that would sufficent. Get that now please.

Well, cricket crap. I didn't take the receipt. I didn't think I needed it. What do I do now?

I am disappoint in you but you can fix this. Call the store and ask for the information.

I called the Safeway store in Steamboat Springs, and the clerk I spoke with didn't know what I was talking about. He -- in a rather rude manner, I must say -- said I had to come in and show ID. So I guess I have to drive there.

If you must do this, then do this. Did you say Steamboat springs? I thought it was Idaho springs, which is a different place, yes?

Oh, silly me. Of course I meant that. I will go immediately after work tomorrow. I'll get this fixed, you can count on it.

The next day comes, and my scammer is growing more impatient:

Jack, did you go to Idaho Springs and get the MTCN? I need this. All depends on you doing this.

I am sorry, but I don't have time to run to Hot Sulphur Springs today. I don't even know if they have a Safeway? What were we talking about?

What is this you say? You need to stop delayment and go to Idahop Spring Safeway and get the MTCN for Western Union.

Now let's twist things a tad more:

Okay, sir, I went to the Safeway in Idaho Springs (it's so much closer than those other places), and I am happy to tell you that the clerk checked the status of my Western Union transfer, and Ms. Santiago apparently received it. The clerk said it had been signed for. Mission accomplished!

You still need to provide me with the MTCN number. Mrs Santiago has not yet pick up and funds. Please get me the MTCN number now, with no more delay.

I will have to go back and get it, but I don't understand why. When the clerk said that the money had been signed for, I didn't figure I needed it. I still do?

JACK, LISTEN TO ME CAREFUL NOW. I NEED THE MTCN NUMBER. SANTIAGO HAS NOT PICK UP ANY FUND. THIS IS REALLY BEGIN TO ANNOY ME WITH YOU. NO MORE DELAY, GET ME THAT MTCN NUMBER AND SCAN COPY OF RECEIPT TO ME TODAY.

I object to the tone and font of your email, sir. I will go back and explain it to the clerk in Colorado Springs. But don't you write uppity to me like that.

I am sorry but you must get this done and done my way. If you want further employ with us, you must complete this task with speed now.

Sir, something ain't right here. The clerk insisted to me that the money had been picked up, and that a copy of the receipt was useless now that it was so. I almost made her cry, and I wound up buying her some roses in their Floral Department, so she would smile and not cry. I hate when I make a woman cry. I'll bet you do, too. Anyway, she insists that I don't need the receipt since the money has been picked up. If so, and your Ms Santiago didn't get it, then WHO DID? If this makes Ms Santiago cry, I recommend you send her the pink roses. Women swoon over pink roses.

WHAT THE HELL IS WHAT YOU SAYING??? LISTEN I NEED THE MTCN NOT F***ING ADVISE ON ROSE!

You know, you're being mean again. Now, I'm not gonna cry if you're mean to me, like that clerk or Ms. Santiago. But if you keep typing like a prick, I am going to zip the fly up on you. Do you KNOW what you call a fly that's zipped up on a prick? An instigator! Now, we have established that I sent the money as you instructed. My clerk at the Western Union in Big Springs has affirmed that it has been received. If not by Ms Santiago, by someone with vowels in their name. So...why don't you just chalk this one up to my learning curve, and give me another job. Oh and don't forget...you owe me $1,000. Send it to me via Money Gram, since Western Union sucks.

ARE YOU A CHILD? DO YOU LIKE NOTHING BUT PLAY GAMES? DO YOU RELIZE HOW STUPID YOU HAVE SOUND AND ACT? WHO THE F**k WOULD HIRE YOU FOR A JOB TO DO ANY? DONT WRITE TO ME AGAIN YOU CHILD WASTING TIME!

Uh...does that mean I'm not getting promoted?

Apparently it did.

Dang. And I was just getting the hang of cities that ended in "Springs".