A Whine About Wine

This was a new one to me.  Not that it didn't end with the same old attempted-scam result.

But it was amusing, nonetheless.

Note the opening ploy by the scammer:

Dear Sir or Madam,

We would like to find some suppliers who can supply Red Wines. If your company is capable of producing or supplying, please send us your products information and catalog quotation. We need a lot of amount. Hope we will have a good cooperation . Once you get our email and if you are interested, please kindly give us a feedback.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Best Regards.

 

Zhao jian hua

 

Tel: 0086-871-63530650

Mobile: +8613114229858

website:www.ynjg.com 

 

 

How anyone would get my character's email address and take it for being a custom winery is clearly beyond reason for any legitimate inquirer.  I wasn't sure how the scammer planned to find out "what's in my wallet" so as to get some of it, but I've seen this scam template over construction equipment and other "catalog" items, and am pretty sure that there was some kind of licensing, sales or shipping "fee" involved.

 

At any rate, it was time for my character -- the antonym to wine connoisseur -- to see how far the thread would play:

 

 

My company makes widgets.  I suppose we can distill them into something akin to red wine.  How much you want?  
 

 

The scammer's response proved to me that it was "game on":
 

Dear Sir,  

Please send more information of your products. Like the detail information in Products kinds and name, size,specification and alcohol vol and the manufacturer year and price list. We hope you can offer the products picture information, catalog quotation and price list to us. We want to choose from them and discuss the order.  
We are a Big State Group company in Kunming, Yunnan ,China. Our company's name is Yunnan Construction And Investment Holding Group Co., Ltd. As our company has a large of employees we want to by wines for their welfare in the coming Chinese traditional festival,Mid-Autumn festival(in September), We want to buy from the producer directly. We are not the seller or the distributor. We need about 80,000 bottles of wines mixed with 6 to 8 types of wines in a middle and low prices.  
 Our terminal port is Fangcheng harbour, Guangxi province, China. I hope to cooperate with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you. 
Best Regards.
 
Zhao jian hua  

(Just for snorts and guffaws, I looked up the real company and found that locations, phone numbers and other lil' issues didn't match between the real and the 'fake' company that had contacted moi; and the game continues).

 

I have spoken with our spirits distillers and distributor, and unfortunately, we have only one brand of cabernet...but that we do have in a significant abundance, and they think that we might just be able to meet your 80,000 bottle threshold.  How quickly will you be needing delivery?  

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff
Thank you for your message, please give me more information as soon as possible, I hope you give me quotation as soon as possible, to facilitate our plan reference to discuss orders, received a letter from your quotation, we will soon discuss the order, looking forward to cooperating with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.
 
Best Regards.
 
Zhao jian hua  

 

Okay.  We can supply you with 78,000 bottles of our premier KaBOOM Farms signature label Ack Wine -- 47% alcohol by volume -- in the unique two liter bottles for a bulk price of $1.99 per bottle, and we can have this ready to ship by June 15, 2021.  Connoisseurs all agree that after one taste of Ack Wine, you'll agree.  You in?  

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

 Thanks for your letter. Can you tell me your company information? We are discussing the order. And we hope you can list out the products and its information in detail. As like: Product name :    size of bottle :750ml or 2L? produce year:  Price/bottle:  Present stock:   Hope you can send the information we need. And also can you send us the picture of your wine? we want to see its apearance and packaging. 

Looking forward to hearing from you.
 
Best Regards.
 
Zhao jian hua  

 

We will attempt to comply with all of your requests.  Our wine is a bit volatile in the early fermentation phase, so bear with us.  

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

 Thanks for your letter. As we have inquiry you for a while and we get nothing about your products and your company. The festival is approaching, I hope you can send the information we need as quick for the folowwing cooperation. 
Looking forward to hearing from you.    

We're working very hard to overcome production bottlenecks and experimenting with accelerated fermentation processes with a couple new vintages we're trying.  Hope to have some good news for you soonest.    
Dear Jack Ewehoff,

Thanks for your letter.  We can understand you. But when will we start this cooperation and when will we can discuss the order without your products information? 
Looking forward to hearing from you.  

 

We just want to make sure that we can meet your order requirements in a timely and consumable fashion.  80,000 two liter bottles of wine is quite an undertaking in any vineyard.  Even one that uses self-fermentating substances.  

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks for your letter. BUt we need about 85,000 bottles of wines and the size is 750ml not 2 L. Hope you can understand.

Looking forward to hearing from you.  

 

*!!?*  In one of your earlier missives, you said 80,000.  Now it's 85,000?

*HOLY WINE PRESS*

My fermenters will have to go into overtime mode to have any prayer of reaching that goal.

It may increase my cost of production, increasing the per bottle to $2.99, but I will see what

specials Taco Bell is running.  

 

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks for your letter. Sorry our demand is big as we have a lot of employees and we need give them present at the Mid-autum festival. And our order depends on your product quality and also the container. Hope you can send the product quoattaion to us. Can you?

Looking forward to hearing from you.  

 

 

We are fermenting contents and manufacturing bottles just as fast as we can.  

 

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

We have been kept in touch for a long time and I hope that you can send us a price list as soon as possible. Waiting for your reply.

Looking forward to hearing from you.  

 

 

Our liter bottles are $1.99 and our two liter bottles are $2.99

Bottles by the case are discounted 10%.

Bottles by the pallet load are discounted 15%.

Bottles that don't explode in transit are discounted 35%.

 

Bottles that do explode in transit are full price.  

 

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

Thanks Jack and we want 88,000 bottles by the pallet and we want the bottle size in normal 750ml. Can you give us a pricelist according to our demand?

Looking forward to your reply.  

 

 

WTF...now it's 88,000?  F**k me to tears...I already sent you the price list.  The bottles will be boxed by the dozen and shipped by the pallet, aboard a special wine carrier chartered for the trip to China.  750 ml bottles?  Ours are close enough to qualify. 

The deal:  88,000 750 ml bottles at $1.99 per bottle = $175,120.

Less bulk discount of 15% = $26,268

Total cost to you:  $148,852

Two types of wine equally apportioned:

Ack Wine (chardonnay)

KaBOOM Farms Summer Storm Methane Wine (white)

 

I promise you that these brands will enliven your festival like no other.  

 

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff
Thank you for your timely response, I need you to give me a clear price list, so convenient for our confirmation order the product name, unit price, alcohol content, capacity, so that we can clear to send you the order, looking forward to you to give me a price list as soon as possible, happy cooperation!

Looking forward to your reply.  

 

 

I already sent you that, but I will send it again.  The price per bottle is $1.99 (we only make the good stuff); this is for 750 ml bottles.  Twelve to a case.  For your earlier request, here is how it breaks down:

 

The deal:  88,000 750 ml bottles at $1.99 per bottle = $175,120.

Less bulk discount of 15% = $26,268

Total cost to you:  $148,852

Two types of wine equally apportioned:

Ack Wine (chardonnay)

KaBOOM Farms Summer Storm Methane Wine (white)

 

 Finally, this email confirms that we're getting closer to the gist of the scam:

Sorry, Jack, there must be some misunderstandings between us and after the discussion of our broad of directors, we confirmed the order. Meanwhile, we have drafted a draft contract both in English and Chinese enclosed. If you have any corrections, your gentle corrections will be accepted. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact with me. We will communicate with each other and complete the consensus together.

Our board of directors are very concerning about our between cooperation. We also invite you to come to China to sign the contract soon. We hope you can arrange everything well and come to Kunming soon to sign the contract in person. It is important and essential to sign the contract face to face which is either good or a grantee to both of us. We can have a good talk in a meeting and communicate more details in a better way.

If an invitation is needed, please send us your passport information for us to make the invitation.

I am looking for having a long and stable business relationship with you and have a good cooperation.

and he adds this for 'authentication':

 

So now that we're tantalizingly close to the 'scam' being sprung, let's make it easy for them:
It will be difficult for me to get away to travel to China to sign off on this.  Perhaps you have a local attorney available to act as a go-between who can do this on my behalf?

And this is where it rested for three days, until I received this "great awakening" email from the scammer:


You are not honorable. We research and find there is no KaBOOM Farms winery list in USA. You are no to communicate with us further.  


I always love it when a scammer says that me/my character(s) are "not honorable".  That's like Jim Acosta from cnn wanting to be taken seriously.


I didn't bother bringing up to the emailer that I'd already researched HIS company and found next to nothing matching up with the real one vs his...but -- and naturally -- my character couldn't leave well enough alone: 

 Hey, I told you that my company made widgits, and I'd see about adapting to manufacturing wine. If you had paid attention, you'd have understood that. Too bad too: we just took out a patent on the very first wine ever made from human methane. We're also distilling cow methane into wine. KaBOOM Farms lives and will be making noise on the spirits front for a long time to come. You swing and a miss and strike out, hokay?


Thousands of bottles of wine on the wall...that fart when you open them.  They do make my pet rock laugh...