I Shot The Tariff

..but I didn't poot the duty fees.

With no apologies to Eric Clapner or whatever it was that a Clinton admin nincompoop called him.

Scammers will use any governmental agency they can find a listing for online to use in a scam.

Rather like the dems and unions.

So it didn't surprise me to hear from the US Customs Service and Border Patrol:


United States Customs and Border Protection,

401 M St, Washington, DC 20460

 

Attention!

 

This is to notify you about the latest development concerning all the consignment boxes that are left in our custody, which yours are inclusive, In the past you where given a bill huge amount in order to receive your consignment of which we did not hear from you for sometime now and the Diplomatic Courier who conveyed this consignment boxes to United States because his visa has expired left for his country about a month ago.

 

Hence, The custom agency has decided to release all consignment boxes to enable all beneficiaries invest with their consignment boxes and we are now offering a Special BONUS to help all our customers that are having their Consignment boxes in our custody due prices. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $70.00 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

 

Further more you should be aware that we have scanned most of the consignment boxes and the scanned result of ten consignment boxes shows united states currency including yours while other consignment boxes contains family treasures and documentations so you are advised to use this opportunity to receive your two consignment boxes contains ($4.500,000.00).

 

But remember that after (2 days) you did not make the payment then we will divert your consignment to Government treasury department, Again after (48hrs) We will entering last second quarter which will make it impossible for you to receive your fund in future and that is the reason why we decided to help all our customers before we enter into new Schemes.

 

Thanks for your cooperation

 

Yours Sincerely,

John Wagner

Executive Director of Admissibility

And Passenger Programs

U.S. Customs and Border Protection  

 

 

"before we enter into new schemes"...riiiiiiight.

 

Let's see how this edit helps them with their next scheme:

 

 

From: U.S. Customs and Wearing of Proper Border Protection <wshburiak@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, May 31, 2018 10:10 AM
Subject: Special Offer From Bonco No Longer Voidable Where Prostate Is Plugged Up

 U.S. Customs and Wearing of Proper Border Protection

401 M St, Washington, DC 20460

 

Boneless Nachos!

We've got nachos...boneless nachos...we've got boneless nachos...iiiyeeeeee!

 

This is to notify you about the latest development concerning all the lovely boneless nachos that are left in our custody, which yours are inclusive.  You didn't KNOW that you had boneless nachos in our care?  Holy frijole!  In the past you were given a huge bill and told to quack like a duck for me...quack like a duck!  Which, when requested, we did not hear from you for sometime now and the persons from the NSA we hired to "data mine" you are impatiently awaiting you quacking like a duck for them into your Alexa from Amazon, or the fake flowers on your kitchen table, or into the lapel pin the UPS driver is wearing, or toward the pterodactyl drone that is hovering fifty feet over your place right now, watching every move you make, every breath you take.  Operators have been standing by for quite some time now, trying to implicate you in the Russian bot probe of everything and anything related to why Hellary fah down and can't get over not being the first broom-riding female dictator in 'Merican hysterectomy.   She'll soon have a ghost writer do up a book for that (What Happened When I Farted by HRC, published by Random Excuses Haus), but that's anuddah buttah, which expired about a month ago.

 

Hence, we have filled the time picking our butts for morsels and contemplating starting a genital hair farm for toupee transplants.  We tire of this so we has decide to release all the documents relating to painful rectal itch in the John Adams administration to enable Nancy Bela Pelosi further confusion on who the current president is. 

We bad.

Please note that all beneficiaries invested in boneless nachos are not the same and your results may vary, especially if you are one of those wingnuts that insert your culinary consumables in you or your spouse's genital cavities...yuck.

And you can have all of this at this one time special price of only $70.00.

BUT WAIT...there's MORE:

if you're among the first 100 respondents to this email, you also receive, at NO EXTRA CHARGE, an 8x10 glossy of Hellary Clinton's butt.  That's normally abhorrent.

Abnormally as well.

Further more you should be aware that we have scammed most of the low-educated idiots at cnn and determined that they are all related to the scarecrow, especially in the lacking-a-brain department. 

 So what the flying fish fungular f**k are you waiting for?  Be among the first 100 respondents NOW.  Souplines are limited, and the stuff they have there has been drooled in by a yack and a cat with hairballs.

We will entering last second quarter which will make it impossible for you to place a bet on whether or not William & Mary's QB can avoid being sacked at a Whole Foods.

Not sure how that's relevant, or if it's related to a mammal with large ears and a trunk, but we're randomly digressing because our meds ran out and the pink manatee is sniping at us from the swamp with a Salad Shooter.

 We need to clear all this sh*t up before we enter into new Schemes.

 

Thanks for your cooperation

 

Yours Sincerely,

John Wagner

Executive Director of Ad Hoc Horking Anonymous

U.S. Customs and Wearing of Proper Border Protection 

 

 

Since the..uh...US Customs folks herein are probably still trying to sort out tariffs, I reckon there'll be no follow up from them on this.

 

 

It's doubtful that Eric Clapner will, either.