Illiteracy Sucks

Especially when you're an online scammer, claiming to be a barrister from Benin.

Oh sure...he's using a template to WRITE to my character...but is he READING my responses?


*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Here's how we rolled:

Attention:

This is Director Mark Smith From DHL Company Republic Due Benin. I write to let you know that the the required fee needed for the shipment of your package has been paid. $450. the only money you have to send to Edu Mike now is $205 for Airport Stamp for your package to proceed to your home, 

So i advice you to try all you can to send the $205 today to enable your package ship first thing tomorrow morning to your destination address within 47hours. 

Receiver name....... Edu Mike 

Country........................ Benin

City.......................... . Cotonou 

Amount............... $205USD 

Sender name and address

Director  Mark Smith 

DHL COURIER COMPANY   

 

 

Tell Edu Mike that he'll get $205 from me when an asteroid destroys Benin.  

 

 

My dear the only thing I have to tell you is that if you want to made the payment try to made it in time so that I will proceed in time and if you made the payment get back to me with the reference number and the copy of the payment crip as soon as you made the payment now tell me when are you going to made the payment or you are not ready to made the payment so let me know okay   

 

 

After the E.L.E. asteroid hits Benin, I'll send the money.  

 

 

Which day you their is no more for this your delivery so me when are you going to made the payment I mean which day are you going to made the payment   

 

Long as he can't read, let's play a tad more:

 

Read my previous email response to you carefully, and you'd find therein which day I'm sending the monkey.  

 

 

you are not saying which day you make payment crip.  Which day okay  

 

 

The...day...that...an...asteroid (gimongus space rock of dubious cosmic and geologicedence)..hits..destroys...wipes out...eradicates...eviscerates...BLOWS THE LIVING F**K OUT OF...Benin.  On that day, I will send the monkey.  Not a day before.  And no point in a day after.  You sabe?

 

My character even included the above photo for reference.  It didn't help:

 

 

I am not understand what you say.  what day do you mean okay.

 

 

What we have here is....failure...to communicate.  So here is what I suggest you do:  (1) go to your nearest Hallmark store  (2) ask them for the calendar that has the day on which Benin is hit by an asteroid (3) ask them what day that is (4) if it falls during the seasonal advent of psychic douche canoe and (5) you'll know on what day I'll send the monkey.

 

 

are you not being serious about this  

 

 

Ahhh...a teeny weenie ray of *DUH* is finally sneaking up on your consciousness.  Perhaps you're not the cerebral twat waffle you had convinced me that you were.  Very good...you get a cookie.  

 

 

Okay listing to me if you don't want to send the money in Benin you can make the payment here in the state if you are ready to do that let me know now so that I will give you the payment information which you will use to make the payment here in the state Okay 

Perhaps the lyrics to this song will help..or not, 'cuz you're pretty dumb by all standard measures:
(with no apologies to Peter Gabriel)

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey

Cover me when I swing
Cover me through the limbs
Something knocked me out' the trees
Now I'm on my farging knees
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know when you're going to spank the monkey

Fork the fox
Snap the rat
You can rape the ape
I know about that
There is one thing you must be sure of
I can't take any more without drugs
Darling, don't you monkey with the monkey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Wheels keep turning
Something's burning
Monkeys in the kitchen but I guess I'm learning

Spank! - spank the monkey, spanking monkey

(and someone paid to write this sh*t)

Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I creep
You throw your swine before the pearls
Spank the monkey blind
Cover me, darling farging please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Too much at stake
Ground beneath me shake
And the news is breaking

Spank! - spank the monkey, spanking monkey

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey

(and someone paid to write this sh*t)

There now...can you hear me now? 

Sorta:

Is like you don't need this your fund am asking you which day are you going to made the payment and you don't want to say it my dear am sorry to say this if you are not interested in this your delivery let me know okay   

You can rekindle hope anew after the asteroid hits Benin.  Tell Edu Mike to be patient until then.  He'll be a patient at that point anyway.  

 

 

That means you are not interested with your fund   

Perhaps a little electricity is finally reaching the dim bulb between your ears now.  I will send Edu Mike the monkey when the asteroid hits Benin.  Period. 


Since 'Mark Smith' of Benin's DHL has not responded since then, it would seem that he finally figured out -- or someone there did -- that my character wasn't serious.

 

Or that the asteroid hit....which means, my pet rock insists, that my character has to come up with a monkey to send.  I'll let my pet rock, Seymour, take care of that.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"