In Accordance With Editing

2018 hasn't changed a bit.

Not so far as scammer emails go.  Just as peculiar as always.

Take this one, titled as it was from a most unusually named scamstress of dubious everythingdence:


In accordance to my religious persuasion, I felt expedient to write and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by the duo of (Mr.Anthony and Mr. Hassan ) from Ministry Of Finance to divert your funds to their designated account in Cayman Island but unfortunately, they begin to find it difficult to divert the funds due to their inability to provide an adequate identity of the funds, they now moved the funds down to Africa and hide it in a security company in other to buy time to enable them embezzle the funds at their own convenient time, but God stopped them.

From my position as a lowly clerk in this office, Miami Finance Department (444 SW 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33130, USA), I discovered that the duo criminals moved the fund from United States to China, and then moved it again to Banco Italiano in ITALY. Yesterday, I found out through the Central computer database that they are about to reroute the funds to a security company in Republique Du Benin where they will be able to maneuver the strict IMF money laundering regulatory orders. With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this development. They are still using your name and contract/inheritance identification number as the beneficiary but they have changed the account co-ordinate and this is the reason why they are frustrating you by delaying the transfer of your funds to you, so in order to buy time pending on when they will transfer your funds to their designated account.

I have the reference number of the transaction and also I have the number of the official who is directly in charge at the SECURITY COMPANY. Your payment is supposed to go through the Euro-Asia Credit Control Financial Clearing Department before final Lodgement into the security company. All the data/information about your funds file are within my reach. I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind. I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

Please respect my discretion in this matter! I will send you the reference number, the name and contact information of the officials of the security company were they kept your funds in Republique Du Benin when I receive your response. I repeat, please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get employment around here and I cannot contend with these powerful individuals because they can eliminate me.

You are advice to reply me immediately at (mollyvariantofmary@aol.com) as I access this e-mail more often.

God bless you,
Molly Variant Of Mary  


My pet rock, Seymour, said that this one was way too peculiar for him to edit.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

At any rate, I turned it over to my primary character that loves to respond to these with edits as off the wall as Seymour ever is:

From: In accordance to my religious persuasion <mr.john_fkelly@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, November 27, 2017 6:49 AM
Subject: In accordance to my religious persuasion's perverse practices with sheep and kumquats

 

Hello douche of my wet dreams,

In accordance to my religious persuasion's perverse practices with sheep and kumquats.  I felt expedient to write and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by the duo of Mr. Fast Marc Antony and Mr. Fingering Self Hassan from Ministry Of Menstrual Queefs to divert your family's long ancestral history of collecting lacquered sea gull dung in the Cayman Island but unfortunately, they begin to find it difficult to do anything with this collection because there is such a global dearth of interest in shit like that.  So they decided to move the collection to Africa and hide it in a security facility guarded by a company of Samsonite luggage destroying apes to buy time to enable them to find something worthy to embezzle at their own convenient time, but God stopped them with one of the most gnarly farts the cosmos has ever seed.

From my position as a lowly clerk in this office, The Greater Miami Finance of Lacquered Feces Department (444 SW 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33130, USA), I discovered that the duo criminals moved the collection from United States to China, and then moved it again to Banco Italiano in ITALY, only to move it to Vaduz in LIECHTENSTEIN, from whenst they then had it shipped to North Korea as a shipment of McDonalds Quarter Pounders with Cheese. Yesterday, I found out through the Central computer database that they had to quickly get the shipment out of North Korea because Kim Jong Un heard about it and showed up with a napkin and a grain shovel and honnnnngry like the wolf.  Now they have the collection ensconced in a vault in in Republique Du Benin where they will be able to maneuver around age and primate restrictions under the strict IMF lacquered sea gull dung laundering regulatory orders.

With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this underdevelopment and suggest that a good used Yugo might be the better option.

They are still using your name and identification number which they purchased at a lice market in Sheboygan but they have changed the account co-ordinate and this is the reason why they are frustrating you by now planning to ship the collection to Tahiti in order to buy time in which to figure out WTF got them into this dog 'n pony crotch show in the first place and buy them additional time to try for something a bit more fiscally feasible, like finding a Syrian football team that will hire Colin Kaepernick.

I have the reference number and photos of the two leaving a Motel 6 in Chappaqua with Hellary Clinton and an inflatable Harvey Weinstein at 3am on November 10 of this year;  also I have the number of the official who is directly in charge of that Motel 6 who has a set of the same pictures.  Mine are cheaper but you better hurry because Bill Clinton has offered me two female intern genital humidors in exchange for the photos and a date with my executive secretary.

Incredible as all this sounds, there's more:  act now and at a nominal extra charge you can get a free 30 minute consultation with our attorney, Steve Dallas, when you are accused of sexual harassment 45 years ago at a bar in Butte, Montana, by someone you were sure was a sheep in that bar lighting, and now thinks you resemble Al Franken.  

God tells me that I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind. I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND FIND THAT GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY IS MORE FUN AFTER A COUPLE TEQUILAS.  However, if you want to pay me for bailing you out of all this shit, send me $500 and a picture of Kathy Griffin getting groped by Al Franken.  I'm strangely turned on by ugly women like her.

Please respect my discretion in this matter! Please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get employment around here since Hellary lost her pull at the DNC after I helped Wikileaks get her emails and conveniently blamed the Russians for that.  Hellary has a knack of leaving a trail of smashed lamps and hit orders in her angry wake, when she's not falling down and committing verbal gaffes during moments outside her personal asylum for the criminally Clinton.

You are advice to reply me immediately at (mollyvariantofmary@aol.com) as I access this e-mail more often...at least until I read what you dun to my email, Ma.

Gesundloose,
Molly Variant Of Mary

Other variants available for primate showings; to request that email the above and say the code phrase cnn sucks.

Rumor has it that Gloria Allred will be representing that bar-lit sheep in an upcoming press CONNference, and Al Franken is starting to worry about his chances of surviving Hellary in 2020.