Now Vivian Hates Country Music Too

So does her bannister's donkey.

It very quickly went surreal for poor ol' Vivian Stewart, scamstress, shortly after sending my character this:


My name is Vivian Stewart I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL
    60525,United States. 
    I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they
    refused to pay me, I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my payment
    with no results.
    A person directed me to travel over to Nigeria with all my contract documents to meet Barr Richard Cohen, he is the member of CONTRACT PAYMENT
    COMMITTEE and he is LEGAL ADVISER to the COMMITTEE in the Nigeria, I contacted him and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to
    Nigeria ,which I did.
    He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. Then he took me
    to the paying bank, which is CBN (Central Bank of Nigeria),was i receive my payment
    and I am the happiest
    woman after receiving my contract funds of $8.2Million USD.
    In the process of searching for my file,I saw your information on awaiting
    payment list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen  .Though I did not however, see all your contact details lest your fax number.
    Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I
    arrive back home.I have been so busy because we are trying to set up a factory here with the money we received.
    So if you are interested,please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the
    information below,explain yourself to him . he is a honest and humble
    person. Alternately, mention my name to him he will help you.
    Name: Barr Cohen Richard
    Email: richardcohen303@gmail.com
    Phone Number:  +2348166351727
    When contacting Barrister Richard, reiterate your details to him as well
    Send the following file number: (PF / TY6574 / UN) He will use the file number on top to easily access your file .
    You must stop keep in touch with those who contact you, they will
    Strengthen your resources until you have nothing to eat. The only money I needed to pay was only GBP 400 for the permission to my
    Funds, Please note that. You can get me involved in this
    Thank you,  


Both she and her bannister, Richard Cohen, were not very prepared for the edit that went back to them:

From: Mrs Vivian Stewart< smrsvivian22@gmail.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 28, 2017 4:48 AM
Subject: Pelican sh*t as far as the eye can see 

    My name is for this template Vivian Stewart I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL 60525,United States.  So do a sh*tload of pelicans.  F**kin' things.

    I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they gave it CPR, re-attached the head to the text and still it lives as a zombified contract and chases goats around villages there.  Very annoying.  You truly don't know annoying until you execute a contract, it revives and goes zombie on you.

I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my contract re-executed with no results.  I think that you'll agree that I am some kind of abject moron that would spend that kind of money just to have a contract well and truly executed.  Kim Jong Un is able to execute things one time and they stay executed.

Maybe he can give me tips.

Anytheway, A person directed me to travel over to Nigeria with all my correspondence on how I wanted that gawddanged contract executed, and wouldn't you just know, the moment I stepped out of the yak cart there they arrested me and put me in jail and called my pappy to throw my bail and he said -- yes, he actually said -- "Viv you gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop whoring in Nebraska's Lincoln".

I think he was already drinkin' when he said that.  Last time I checked a map, there's a bit of geographic differential between Nebraska's Lincoln and Nigeria.  At least a river or two.

So now I got me this atturkey  -- Barr Richard Cohen -- he is the member of CONTRACT EXECUTION  COMMITTEE and he is LEGAL ADVISER to the Dancing with the scars here in the Nigeria, I contracted him and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to Nigeria.

*Shake up sound*  Ain't I already there?  What, I say, what the f**k son?

He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. They are actually at cnn and they're doing this on their lunch and meth hours. 

Then he took me on a tour of the cell block, and my surprise there was no midnight special shining a light on me.  I'm really getting to HATE country music about now.

The across the street through my barred winder I seed the CBN (Central Bank of Nigeria), and it was in the process of bein' robbed, and I am the happiest girl in the whole...USA.

Not really.  If I zippity doo dah once more, my genitals will have stretch marks.

 In the process of searching for anything I could use to shiv my atturkey, I saw your information on awaiting contact list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen.  And I am here to tell you that if you get a phone call or email text from that plunger lipped twat waffle. do NOT respond other than with assorted choice epithets.  He's not too bright and thinks that being called a plunger lipped twat waffle is chic.

Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I arrived back from the daily cell block riot that we have every third Thursday of every other month of the odd leap year.  Nigeria's a really f**ked up place, dude...NEVER buy their calendars.

What's more, they have apples and they have pens, and they have no idea what the point of that is.  Uh.

 So if you are interested, please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the information below, explain yourself in Azerbaijani to him.   He is a moron and will giggle a lot at the weird way you're speaking to him, then he'll hang up and finger his ass for a while.

The donkey will hate you.

 Mention my name to him and the donkey will hate you more. 

    Name: Barr Cohen Richard
    Email: richardcohen303@gmail.com
    Phone Number:  +2348166351727

    When contacting Barrister Richard, reiterate everything I told you above just the way I writ it.

 You must stop keep in touch with those like me who contact you, they will Strengthen your resources until you have nothing to eat.  What?  My proofreader sez I just writ that wrong.  What the f**k...I'm in a Nigerian prison with lions and tigers and bears oh my.  And apple trees that throw pens.  Uh.

 

And the donkey still hates me.  So does the burro on the right.

The only money I needed to pay was only GBP 400 for the permission to market this as a future Transformer movie to that idiot that made the movie Pearl Harbor so badly. 

The donkey hates him, too.

 Please note that you can get me involved in this but probably should have a frontal lobotomy first.  

 

So far, nothing back from Viv or her plunger lipped twat waffle of a bannister.  They're probably tearing up all their old Hanna Montana sound tracks as I wait...

 

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