To Providus...or Not

It takes all kinds in Scamland to organize and run a scam online.

Mostly morons.

But sometimes the scamming morons find the gullible.

Not this time.

This thread begins with a faux dying person of dubious antecedence, contacting my character for some form of soul saving succor:


Ms Stephanie writes

How are you today  

 

 

F***ing awesome.  You?  

 

 

Good day dear ,
I am happy to know you, but God knows you better and he knows why he
has directed me to you at this point, so do not be afraid. Your
profile gave me confidence, you look humble and God fearing. I am
writing this mail to you with heavy sorrow in my heart, this massage
mighty come to you as surprise but i chose to reach you through email
because it still remains the fastest medium of communication through
this medium internet has been greatly abused. Please give me this
little chance to explain myself to you, I would have like to meet you
face to face before departing from this mother earth but due to the
illness continue to deprive the chance but even if I die on the
process of this operation I will still praise  Almighty.

My name is Mrs. Stephenie Jensen Garth  i am from United States Of America,
but i lived in London for many years, i am a dying woman and i decided
to donate what I have to you for charity work/assistance to less
privileged people in the society. I am 66 years old and I was
diagnosed of cancer for about 1 year ago, immediately after the death
of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for and my doctor
told me that i would not last for the period of seven months due to
cancer problem because of my health, I am married to Mr Jensen Garth
,who died as the result of war in Syria before my husband dead he
informed me that he deposited the sum of £2.5m GBP in a Bank in London
United Kingdom. Before he was poisoned to death as the result of war
in Syria, I want you to help me to use this money for a charity project
before I die, for the poor Less-privilege and  Orphanages in
your country.I accept this decision because I do not have any child who will
inherit this money after I die. I want your urgent reply to me so that
I will give you the deposit receipt which the Bank  issued to my late
husband, to start the good work of God, for immediate transfer of the
money to your account in your country, To be very honest with you,
this money i have opened-up to you is totally genuine and 100%
risk-free. I am absolutely assuring you that no trouble or problem is
involved in this fund either in the short-run or in the long-run
because is my late husband money.
I want you to take 35 % percent of the total money for your personal
use, 5 % percent for expenses and while 60% of the money will go to
charity. I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality and trust in
this matter to accomplish my heart desire, as I don't want anything
that will jeopardize my last wish.

Please kindly respond quickly for further details.
Thanks and God bless you,

I await your urgent reply,
 Mrs. Stephenie Jensen Garth  

 

 

And she even included a famdamily photo from her horsepittal bed:

 

What's a scambaiting character to do?  Meh:

 

 

Leave all the money for your famdamily...it's a big enough one.  

 

 

Miss Steph appreciates my response, but not enough to actually have read it:

 

 

Fellowship greetings to you , in the name of the most high God. I am
truly inspired to receive your response mail today which the lord who
brought us together in exalting his name through this benevolence
entrust will guide us and give us one spirit and one accord to
realize this aspiration to his glory .i was diagnosed of brain cancer

My health always troubles me but i believe as God did to the woman
with an issue of blood he must surely visit me at his own appointed
time,as Job said,i will wait  till my change comes.I knew that it is
by his stripe i am healed and he was bruised for my transgression,and
he has paid all my debts on the cross of Calvary so i have nothing to
fear since i am the daughter of a king.Even if he calls me home in
this very hour i have no reason to question his purposes.As the bible
teaches us that Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from
henceforth, said the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and
their works do follow them.( Revelation 14:13).

Please I hope there will be utmost confidence in this transaction? And
please always pray for me and the less privileged it is very
necessary.,i want the money to be transferred to you as soon as
possible.
I will like you to send to me your full details like:

1.your full name
2.Telephone number and fax number
3.Your Age
4.Your Occupation and Address

Without much hesitation,i will like you to confirm to me your contact
information's to help me prepare a Letter of Authorization to the Bank
instructing them to proceed in making the release of the  the funds
to you as my next of kin which a copy will also be forwarded to you.

I may not be often communicating with you due to my present health
situation because this messages that i have been writing to you was by
the assistance of the sister nurse who God purposely used for
assisting me here in the hospital,please always commit her in your
daily prayers as you do to me.

Always keep your faith in God and commit this transaction in his guide.
Endless love of God keep enduring  with you.
Looking forward to hear from you.

Thanks and God bless you.
Yours sister in the lord
Mrs. Stephenie Jensen Garth  

 

 

A most high God?  What's He on, LSD?  

 

 

Miss Staph 'n Strep doesn't reply to that...instead, in comes her bank to take it up from h'yar:

 

 

Hello Sir/Ma
I am Mr.Gideon Jarikre from Providus bank Plc, i called your phone yesterday as i was mandated to call you in regards to your fund but i could not get you on phone as the phone number failed to connect. If you are able to read this message pls reply with your name in full, address and phone number, so we can email you full information and genuine reasons for contacting you.   

 

 

What did you call my phone?  It only answers to one name.  

This is to officially acknowledge the receipt of your email, as we want
you to understand that we actually called your phone but it failed to
connect. So, the main reason we contacted you is because the Debt
Management Office (DMO) had given a genuine approval to your payment since
on the 18th of August, as your inheritance fund is ready to be released to
you at the request of our client Stephanie Jensen Garth. And also, we contacted you
as to be sure we contacted MR. JACK not the wrong person.

However, an Non-Resident offshore online account has been open in your
name/address and your inheritance fund deposited into the online account,
as you can confirm the fund in the online account with the user name and
password which will be sent to you shortly.

We will send the details of the online account to you to log-in and
confirm your fund but for security reasons, as we really want to be sure
that we are dealing with the rightful beneficiary (MR. JACK) and not the
wrong beneficiary, please we want you to re-confirm your name in full,
current address and phone number to enable us send the log-in details to
the account to you.

Thank you.

Regards,

Mr.Gideon Jarikre
Group Head, International Operations
Providus Bank Plc   


Alrighty then:


Perhaps if you called the right number.  Did you?  


Thanks for the urgent response. Honestly, we called your phone number but
>   it failed to connect but since you can contact us via-email, all you
> need to do now is send the requested details and as soon as we received
> the detail, then your online account detail will be sent to you, so that
> you log-in and confirm your fund.  


What are the requested details.  


Thanks for the urgent response. The requested details are, your name in
full, contact address and your phone number. We need information before we
can send your online account details to you, so that you log-in and
confirm your fund.

Thank you, as we wait to receive the details.  


This is to inform you that we are still waiting to receive the details and then send the online account log-in to you, so that you log-in and confirm
your fund.  


We have not still receive your email with the requested information to
> proceed.  


What are the requested details.  


The requested details is as stated below.

Your name in full:
Your address:
Phone number:  


Those are the requested details?  Why didn't you say so?  


Mr. Jack, we did tell you this.  Go back and read please so we can complete this soonest.  


Well whaddaya know...you did, you did tell me a puddy tat.  Okay.  I'll get you details.  


What is delay please?  time is not on our side please get us details soonest so we ma proceed.


Dee-lay:  is a process that a chicken uses to reabsorb an egg.  And I know time is not on my side; I have a wrist watch, not a pocket one.  


PLEASE SEND US DETAILS.  


No need to email shout:  sending you details now that you know what it means (and I send them the usual info my character uses).


The details has been confirm in your payment file and we will send your
>>   online account log-in details to you later today, so that you can
>> log-in and confirm your fund and after activation of the account, then
>> this bank will teach you how you make transfer from the online account
>> to your personal bank account in the United States.
>>
>> Thank you and congratulations in advance.  


That's f***ing nice.  


Below is your account information, as you should log-n into your account
> and confirm your fund.
>
> User name: JackEwehoff
> Pssword: V9kl4C81
> Log-in page: (a link to gawd knows what)>
>
> Note: After confirming your fund in the online, you should respond back
> to us, so that you can activate the account before you can make successful
>   transfer into your bank account over there in the United States. The
> activation fee is $180 only.
>
> First of all, you should log-in and after confirming your fund, then you
> should respond back and we will tell you what to do.  


*TOING*...now we know what they're after:


Fine.  Deduct the activation fee from my account and we're good to go.  


Sorry for the late response, as i was too busy officially this week. The
content of your previous email was noted but the problem is that no one
here has the legal right deduct from your account due to the due to new
law passed by the house of senate here. If it is possible to deduct, we
will not ask you for the fee, so you have to send the fee and after which
we will complete the transaction as you are the one delaying the
completion process of this transaction.

We urge you to send the fee and then send details for pick up, so that we
can activate the account.  

I have just given you written authorization to deduct the fee from the account.

I, Jack N. Ewehoff, account owner, do hereby authorize ___________________

to deduct $180 from my account to satisfy the transaction fee.

Print that, sign it, and we're good to go.  

 

 

There is something you don't understand, the reason why the law
>>> passed by the senate was due to past experience, as some one from
>>> Ghana here in
>>> Africa was to receive money from my bank and he authorize the transfer
>>>   fee to be deducted from the fund he was to receive, so the officer
>>> in charge of the payment deducted 1,000,000.00 from the account and he
>>> ran away with the money.
>>>
>>> The is the reason the law was passed by the house of senate, so there
>>>   is authorization that will be honored. Had it been it is possible
>>> that we deduct fee from your account, it will be deducted as you have
>>> huge fund in the online account. I hope you understand.
>>>
>>> You should try and send the fee so that we can complete this
>>> transaction without any further delay.  

 

 

Okay...not only do I authorize you to deduct the $180 from the
>>> account to settle the fee...I also authorize you $10,000 extra to
>>> catch, kill and eat anyone that tries to steal the balance of the
>>> fund.  I am Jack N Ewehoff and I approve of these expenditures.
>>>
>>> You make that clear to everyone in your bank, and I think things will
>>>   go just fine.  

 

 

Why can't you understand that we can not do that as the law here don't
>> permit that and whoever does it contrary to the law, will face the law
>> and will lose his or her job. I hope you can understand now.  

 

 

I fully understand your law, which is WHY I am giving you WRITTEN
>> AUTHORIZATION to do what I have asked.  You PRINT IT, you SHOW IT TO THE
>>   LAW, and you do as I -- the now LEGAL FUND OWNER according to YOU --
>> have asked repeatedly.
>>
>> If I need to authorize you to further debit my account to pay off the
>> so-called LAW in your area, you now have that written authorization from
>>   me, Jack N Ewehoff.  But please limit the "GTS*" payoff to no more
>> than $10,000.
>>
>> I am Jack N Ewehoff and I approve this message.  

 

What is wrong with you?  


Nothing.  I fully understand that you run a bank in a corrupt country full of corrupt people who do all sorts of illegal sh*t for money.  You said you needed to have authorization because of your laws...I gave you that authorization in writing.  Not once..not twice...but thrice.  What's wrong with YOU?


We can see that you are toiling with us and you are not ready to complete
>   this transaction.  


Toiling is right...when I send you authorizations to do what you say you can't by law without authorization, it is toiling for me to have to deal with people so inept.  When you were born, did you come out of your mom sideways, like a spinal tap poopie?  


You insult me gets you no transaction benefit like that.  You are not good man.  


And a fine, upstanding plunger lipped dotard like yourself would know what a good man is?  Oh, do tell, Gorgon.  Please do tell.  


We are done.  Good by.  


I guess that means no free toaster for me?  


Leaving a trail of butt hurt email scammers far and wide, I plod merrily into the sunset, my faithful pet rock, Seymour, pulling my wagon...


"Am NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"