The AlpacaLips Edit

Uh...not really.

No alpaca lips were harmed during the editing of this.

And this picture is not retouched. She really that big.

My pet rock, Seymour, has been out of sorts going into the New Year; I haven't given him any cards to shuffle.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

That said -- and spewed -- he hasn't lost a beat with his editing.

Here's the start of a scam email that Seymour was only too happy to edit:


IMF WORLD REGULATORY OFFICE
INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY AUTHORITY
INTER-CONTINENTAL DEBT RECONCILIATION DEPT.
FROM THE DESK OF: HONORABLE EDWARD ODIM   DIRECTOR

ATTENTION: PROVISION OF AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM CERTIFICATE FOR LEGAL COVER/ PROTECTION OF US$17.5MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS IN YOUR FAVOR.

I AM RATHER SPEECHLESS AT THE MOMENT AS THE ANTICIPATION OF THIS LONG AWAITED MOMENT IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE. PERSONALLY, I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO GO AHEAD AND CONCLUDE THE REMITTANCE OF YOUR PAYMENT CONSIDERING YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY PURSUING TO YOUR PAYMENT.  


Speechless as he claimed to be, he went on for many more paragraphs before he got to the rat killing, which was for my character to wire $95 to some nincompoop in the Benin Repugnant.

Uh huh.

Well, that's when my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, went into high lode:


From: DISHONORABLE EDWARD ODIM <contact@mongo.mn>
Sent: Thursday, January 5, 2017 12:30 PM
Subject: WTF WORLD DISBURSEMENT OFFICE OF COLLOSAL CONGLOMERATED GLOBS OF SOLIDIFIED FECES   

 

WTF WORLD DISBURSEMENT OFFICE OF COLLOSAL CONGLOMERATED GLOBS OF SOLIDIFIED FECES   
INTERNATIONAL WTF REGULATORY AUTHORITAH
INTER-CONTINENTAL DYSENETERY DISTRIBUTION EUNUCH
FROM THE SMARTER THAN THE DUMBASS THAT SITS AT ME DESK OF:  DISHONORABLE EDWARD ODIM, AKA   TAMPON LIPS

ATTENTION: PROVISION OF AFFIDOH! OF CLAM CERTIFICATE FOR LEGAL UNISEX CORN POLLINATION BY EXPLODING GALAXY 7 NOTEPADS IN YOUR FAVOR.

I AM RATHER SPEECHLESS AT THE MOMENT AS I READ WHAT SOME JERK DID TO MY EMAIL.  PERSONALLY, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SH*T OR WIND MY WATCH.  GUESS I WILL SH*T ON MY WATCH.

DRAGGING UNWILLING YAKS TO A GOAT ROPE AT THIS MOMENT WILL DO US NO GOOD AND PROBABLY MORE HARM AND DAMAGE.  YAKS ARE BIG AND TEND TOWARD SURLY WHEN YOU MENTION GOAT SEX OR EASING PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH WITH COCKLEBURR TAMPONS, SO I WILL ADVICE YOU TO AVOID POCKETS OF LEFTARDS FROM MINNEYSODA OR KALIFORLORNIA AND PROCEED DIRECTLY TO NEWARK, WHERE THINGS SUCK ALL THE TIME.  BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY AS YOU KNOW THAT I AM ONLY A DOUCHE NOZZLED TWAT WAFFLE OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE THAT MADE 8 XXXL PANTSUITS FOR HELLARY UNTIL SHE LOST THE ELECTION.  NOW I HAVE TO HOPE I CAN SELL THEM TO THE YAKS.

NOW LISTEN AND LISTEN VERY GOOD:  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!   THAT WAS A THERAPY FART, BECAUSE THE BRITS HAVE DECLARED THAT SNIFFING FARTS HELPS WARD OFF DEMENTIA AND GETS YOU ELEVATORS BY YOURSELF.  I HAVE PROMISE YOU THAT I AM GOING TO WORK UP AN EF-5 FART THAT CLEARS TOLEDO.

I AM HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE EXPRESSED YOUR THOUGHT IN PAGAN AZERBAIJANI WHICH ONLY A CARTOON CHARACTER COYOTE CAN PURCHASE FROM THE ACME CORPORATION TO USE AGAINST A CORNISH GAME HEN WITH CHICKEN LEGS.  DUE TO YOUR PAST EXPERIENCE WITH DOUCHE CANOES I WOULD ADVICE YOU TO AVOID SEA VOYAGES WHERE WHALES FART THE MACARENA.  I MUST LET YOU KNOW THAT IT IS AGAINST MY DOCTORATE IN CRUSTACEAN OBEDIENCE TRAINING TO STEAL VIRGINITY FROM WALRUSES, AND GOD WILL FORCE ME TO DO YOUTUBE VIDEOS WITH CAMEL HAIRBALLS IF I AM HERE TO DECEIVE YOU.

I KNOW VERY WELL THAT KUMQUATS WILL RESPOND TO BONELESS NACHOS IF SCHOOLED IN THE LANGUAGE AND I MUST TELL YOU THAT TRIBULATION AND TRIAL WILL ONLY LAST UNTIL RECESS AND SEVERAL POSTPONEMENTS RESULTING IN A LACK OF EVIDENTIARY FINDING AND A POORLY CHOREOGRAPHED SKIT ON THE GONG SHOW THAT IS PREDICATED ON THE TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION THAT SAYS YOU'RE A PIRANHA DORK.  THUS IT IS I, THEREFORE, ACCEPT AND CLAIM YOUR LAMINATED SNAKE SH*T COLLECTION.

I WISH TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IF I LIE TO YOU, IT'S JUST ME ACTING LIKE AN EX-FRIEND OF MINE.  EH.

ONCE YOU REPLACE YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE ONES, ODDBALL WON'T BLAME THE  MOTHER BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE NOT BEING THERE ON YOUR NEGATIVE WAVES SO EARLY IN THE MORNING, MORIARTY.  THINK THAT BRIDGE WILL BE THERE AND IT WILL BE THERE...IT'S A MOTHER BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE, AND IT'S GONNA BE THERE.  IF IT AIN'T, YOU DON'T WANT IN THIS THING YOU DON'T GET IN THIS THING...I CUT YOU OUT OF EVERYTHING.  SIXTY FEET OF BRIDGE I CAN PICK UP ALMOST ANYWHERE...SCHMUCK.

YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU COMPLETE YOUR COLONOSCOPY BEFORE BEING FITTED FOR A COCKLEBURR TAMPON, SHOULD YOU WISH TO COMPLETE YOUR FITTING WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF BENIN REPUBLIC.  THEY HAVE A 100% DON'T GIVE A SH*T NON-GUARANTEE IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED.

NOTE THAT ALL ARRANGEMENTS HAS BEEN COMPLETED FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF 500 YAKS FROM SIBERIA TO THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC.  SOMETHING IS NEEDED TO IMPROVE THE SMELL DOWN THERE.  

NOW LISTEN VERY GOOD, I AM NOT HERE TO PLAY SPANK THE MONKEY OR CHOKE THE CHICKEN OR SH*IT 'N GO BLIND OR ANY PARLOUR TRICKS WITH MINATURE ALLIGATORS.  IF THIS TRANSACTION IS NOT FOR REAL -- AND IT ISN'T -- THEN I HAVE MADE WASTE OF MY TIME AND THE LAST 24 HOURS OF FOOD I ET.  AND THE ONLY THING WHY I AM FIGHTING AND WORKING HARD TO EDIT THIS EMAIL BADLY IS TO PISS OFF THE SANDPOUNDINGLY STUPID NIPPLEHEAD THAT WAS SO STUPID THAT HE HAD TO HAVE HIS DESK WRITE AND SEND IT.

  BE GUARANTEED AND ASSURED THAT YOUR SATISFACTION ENDS AT A SONG BY THE ROLLING STONES.

 NOTE THAT EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN CONCLUDED TO PROTECT LOCALLY AGAINST ANYONE PLAYING THE BROWN NOTE IN A PUBLIC VENUE.  WE SAW HOW THAT WENT FOR YOKO OHNO AND THE REST OF THE WORLD ON THAT SOUTH PARK EPISODE.  THIS IS MAKING OF THIS INTERNATIONAL STRINGENT MEASURE IMPOSED BY INTERNATIONAL STRINGENT MAKERS TO TRACK DOWN ILLEGAL MONKEY LAUNDRY ACTIVISTS AND TERRORIST SPONSORS OF THE DNC AND CLINTON CRIMEDATION.

ASSUMING THERE IS NO BOND, MI 6 CAN TAKE THE YEAR OFF WHILE SPECTRE FINDS SOMETHING TO DO FOR HELLARY AND JOHN "PUFFY LIPS" PODESTA.

THIS LETTER IS OUR 100% CONDITIONAL GUARANTEE OF NOT ONE F**KING THING TO YOU.

FINALLY, WE UNCONDITIONALLY AND IRREVOCABLY GUARANTEE TO YOU THAT IF A THREE PECKERED GOAT GETS LOOSE IN A EWE CONVENT, IT'S GOING TO MAKE FOR A POTENTIALLY VIRAL VIDEO ON YOUTUBE.

USE BELOW INFORMATION TO MOCK AND DENIGRATE IN ANY LANGUAGE YOU KNOW OR THINK YOU KNOW TODAY

RECEIVERS NAME:  DAN BABOON ASS FACE
COUNTRY: BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY: COTONOU
SENDERS NAME:  DIXIE NORMOUS
AMOUNT: $95.00 USD
TEXT QUESTION:  WTF
TEXT ANSWER: YOU TF
SENDERS ADDRESS:
M.T.C.N NUMBER:

WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ARE INDEED VERY VERY UNSORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES; THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ABOUT:  INCONVENIENCES.

CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF THIS E-MAIL BY YOU IMMEDIATELY AND BE REST ASSURED THAT YOU WILL BE PISSING UP A ROPE ONCE YOU COMPLY WITH THE ABOVE DIRECTIVES NOW.

YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO THIS E-MAIL NOW WILL GO A LONG WAY IN GIVING US SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT IN OUR FLY INFESTED INTERNET CAFE THAT ONLY HAS A PICTURE OF NANCY PELOSI'S BOTOXED ASS WHILE SHE LIGHTS FARTS.  RESPOND BACK IMMEDIATELY.


DISHONORABLE EDWARD ODIM

WTF WORLD DISBURSEMENT OFFICE OF COLLOSAL CONGLOMERATED GLOBS OF SOLIDIFIED FECES   

"FULL OF SH*T FOR AS LONG AS WE'VE BEEN DOING THAT VOODOO THAT WE DO SO WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL"

The one word response this edit got from the scammer has been applied to me and my characters many times in the past.  Now Seymour gets to be the "basterd".

*Pet rock face palm*