The Stin...k

If you recall the famous movie from the 70s....this will remind you of none of it.

This is more of another scammer that looks for replies without looking at WHAT they say.

Here's how it started:

Hello my dear,
How was your night over there in your country, I believe you had a nice slept last night and  the atmosphere was very good with you today in your country? The weather was a little bit warm over here today in Dakar Senegal.
My name is Sofia Bahizire, I am (23)years old, single (never married before), fair in complexion, 1.73cm. Meanwhile age doesn't matter in a real relationship,so I am comfortable with your age. I from Goma, the eastern region of Democratic Republic of Congo in Central Africa. A formal colony of Belgium. And presently I am residing in orphanage home called refugee camp, here in Dakar Senegal as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

I lost my both parents during this deadly political war. That damaged thousands of innocent souls in Democratic Republic of Congo. My family was among the first target of the rebels because my late father Advocate Floribert Chebeya Bahizire, is prominent human rights advocate. Late Advocate Floribert Chebeya Bahizire found dead a day after being summoned to meet the chief of police, he is supporting the government when the problems was about to start. Due to this all the members of my family were murdered in a cold blood and our family house was set blazed. I was lucky escaped death because I went to school when the  incidence took place.

I am only person who is alive in my family, and i managed to make my way to Senegal where I am living now as a refugee and never pray or think to step my foots in my country called Democratic Republic of Congo.

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next letter. Attached here is my picture. Hope to hear from you soon,
Your sincerely,
Sofia  

and of course she sent along a photo or three that once again proves that life in non-existent Senegalese refugee camps ain't all THAT bad:

Sadly, she didn't bother to read what my character replied with:

Dear Sofa,  ..or davenport, couch, divan...whatever.

I am not interested in you.  You are in Senegal.  I never asked anyone to send me a gal from there.  If they sent me you, I'd send you back as defective.  

And that reply begat this:


My dearest
I am very glad in your reply to my mail. How are you doing today? and how was your night and the atmosphere over there with you? I hope fine. To me, the weather is warm over here in Dakar Senegal, as it use to be some times like this. Anyway, is not enjoyable to me due  condition I were facing here right now.

Meanwhile, in this camp we are not allowed to go out from the camp every day of the week. It is just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God grace I will come out here soon. I do not have any relatives now whom I can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person I have now is reverend Joseph  Kolo  who is the reverend of the charity mission (christ for all church) here in the camp he has been very nice to every one here in the refugee camp. The reverend Telephone  number is  (+221 763 91 64 10)  if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel. As a refugee here I do not have any right or privilege to any thing be of money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.

I want to go back to my studies because I only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place. Please listen to this (please it is a secret, between me and you), I have my late father statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in the United Kingdom bank which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount in question is £ 9.7 Million British Pounds ( nine Million Seven Hundred Thousand British Pounds)

So I will like you to help me to transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I kept this secret to people in the camp, because I am afraid to loose this money if they gets to know about it. So, in the light of above I will like you to keep it to  yourself and do not tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember I am giving you all this information due to the trust I deposed on you. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking.

Meanwhile, I will like you to call me like I said I have allot to tell you. Have a nice day and think about me. Awaiting to hear from you soonest your for ever in love.
Sofia  

I sorta tried to get through to her with the first response.  Will the second attempt get 'er done?  Let's see:

Refugee camps in Senegal are pretty posh from what I see.  Not a bad place for you to stay while you await your Queen Hellary on her worn out whisk broom to ride in and sweep you to the land of welfare, flying monkeys, midgets singing about suckers and a place where apple trees pelt you with fruit.

Nawp, she read that one like she read the first one:  not at all.  Worse...she now wants me to contact her scam bank:

I thank you ones again this day. And  I will use this greatest opportunity to let you know that God has chosen you to help me among other men on earth its now left for you and  God who directed you to  help me out from this predicament i found myself. I know you are the man I am going to depend and trust for my life, so needless of looking for another man.
Please I have not told anyone except you about the existence of this  money and I will like you to please keep it secret to other people because since it is (MONEY) all eyes will be on it. Remember I trust you, that is why I am giving you all this information's. my love is for you and you alone.
This money and the only thing they told me is to look for a foreign partner who will stand on my behalf due to my refugee status and the laws of this country. You will have 15% of the total money for helping me and the remaining money will be managed by you and me in any business of your choice.

In this regard I will like you to contact the bank immediately with this information, tell them that you are my foreign partner and that you want to know the possibilities of assisting me in transferring the (£ 9.7 Million British pounds) deposited by my late father of which I am the next of  kin to your account in your country.
The contact information of the bank is as follows,
 
BARCLAYS BANK LONDON.
Email address: (foreignoperationdepartment@consultant.com)
The name of the transfer officer is  Mr Charles .S. Doyle
Telephone number +44 (704) 578 6282
Fax number +44 (703) 180 3691.
Address No1 church hill place London.
And my late father account number is: 745008901546
 
Contact them now on how to transfer the £ 9.7 million British Pounds deposited by my
late father of which I am the next of kin. I have mapped out 15% for your assistance and 5% for any expenses that might come up in this transfer. My dear I am glad that God has brought you to see me out from this situation and I promise to be kind and will equally need you in every area of my life plus investing this money since I am still too young to manage this amount of money.
As I told you before, this camp is just like a prison and my prayers is to move out from here as soon as possible. Please make sure that you contact the bank so that after the transfer you can send some money from that account for me to prepare my traveling documents to meet with you in your country.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest!.
Yours for ever in love.
Sofia


Okay, fine.  When a woman says that -- especially with the wrong emphasis in the right place -- we guys KNOW we're in trouble.  When I say it...eh...it just means that it's time to edit:


Subject: Please get the penguin super glue...and a mirror
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2016 15:15:20 +0000

Speaking furniture here,

I spank ye wunst agin this day.  Unlike a Bloom County penguin that flossed his beak off after too many herring wallbangers, I do the dance of anticipatory happy happy amongst the thistles of the field.

And too late realize why that little bastard did his dance in the dandelions.  Muthaforkin ouch in mulitples.

I will use this suckass opportunity to let you know that an islamofascist baphomet that looks like a goat haid has chosen you to help me among along with tornadoes, farts and pterodactyls oh my, to help me out from this predicament i found myself.   For I am a talking furniture -- sofa, couch, davenport, WTF ever -- I know you are the man and I know that I is not and that statement will piss off NOW, COW, and all those other feminincompoop gaggles of cackling hens, but this is of no matta, for I am going to depends to keep from fouling myself repetitively, and failing you as a man, I will seek out a yak.

Please I have not told anyone except you and 4,000 other email addresses about the existence of this spank the monkey video on YouBoob and I will like you to please keep it secret to other people because since it is (a social mediocre spank the monkey thang on YouBoob) all eyes will be on it as people are texting on their I and other vowel phones, walking into sh*t not paying attention to the man behind the curtain.

Remember the words of a former friend that were as 100% empty as mine:  I trust you, that is why I am giving you and the other 4,000 yutzes I emailed all this information's. My love is a song by Petula Clark and I digress with you and you alone...times 4,000 or so.

This spanked monkey ain't happy and the only thing they told me is to look out for a gorilla getting shat in Cincinutti when the cockroach comes to eat the place.  I'm beginning to think that Spike Jones is having a new erection with these verbosities where learning is finding of trigger words so one can run crying to a safe zone with fouled knickers and demand of the spanked monkey, to make them stop. 

And for this I need a foreign partner who will stand on my half due to my being comatose on the floor, being a talking piece of furniture that I am?  I guess that's the laws of this country. You will have 15% of the responsibility for spanking the monkey for helping me and the remaining 90% of the monkey spanking will be managed by the DNC and members of the Hellary crimepaign to replace the worst fauxtus in history with an outright criminal wench that wears 6 XXXL butt thongs.

In this regard I will like you to contact the bank immediately with this information, tell them that you are there to spank the monkey and that you want to know the possibilities of assisting Wikileaks in transferring all of Hellary's emails to a server easier for the Russians, Chinese and the Weekly World News to access.

The contact information of the bank is as follows,
 
BARPLAYDOHS BEANS AND BANGERS LONDON.
Email address: (foreignoperationdepartment@consultant.com)
The name of the soon-to-be-dumfounded officer is  Mr Charles .S. Doyle
Telephone number +44 (704) 578 6282
Fax number +44 (703) 180 3691.
Address No1 Great Horned Church hill place London.
And my spanked monkey account number is: not higher than 10
 
Contact them now on how to spank the monkey.  Using teh Gooble Eoith search app I have mapped out 15% of the Eoith's soiface that doesn't support the formation of a league of yak football players in New England.  

My dear I am glad that God has brought you to undermine my situation and I promise to be a lying sack of sh*t since I am still too young to manage a spanked monkey.

As I told you before, this genital cramp I just had is like a prison and how to explain how a piece of talking furniture has a genital cramp is one for some future generation of politicians like Marie Barf, the State Department hash tag hag, to 'splain to some dumbed down idiots in the basement of the DNC as soon as possible. Please make sure that you don't forget to not floss as hard as that herring wallbangered penguin did.

Awaiting to hear from you soonest!.
Yours forever in solitary confinement with sufficient meds to keep me from chain sawing the Laz-E-boy and end tables that shriek like a marmot.
Sofa

Sofa r (see what I just did there?), no reply from Sofia suggests that someone finally read what I dun to her email, Ma.  BUT....another scammer that received a copy of it didn't quite grasp the obvious:

how can I help you?  

If you read the email, how the f**k do you think you can help her?  

I don't like your words.

Then why the f**k did you learn to read and type them?  

Apparently f**k is one of this scammer's trigger words.  Nothing further while he cowers in his safe zone and wets hisself.

And that concludes...The Stin...k.  No one's contacting me for movie rights...not even that lousy director that stole my real name.