Once again...a state agency sends out an email that supposes all the recipients need to be told the obvious.
I won't name the state or the agency...but when I got a copy of it, it literally screamed
to be edited.
And Seymour -- my editing pet rock -- was up to the task. Note that you can tell what's edited and what's original...most of the original in black print, almost all of the edits in blue:
You are subscribed to Northwest place of people needing to be told the obvious - News for State Agency Department of Stating The Obvious. Sorry. This information has recently been updated, and should be obvious to any breathing vertebrate with working eyes and thermometer.
Can you say DUH????? Of COURSE you can!!!!
NORTHWEST state of people not believed to be too bright – As we move towards the holidays, a check of the calendar and a step out of door – taking care to sidestep Rover’s poo leavings – suggests to all but the most inattentive amongst us that winter – the season opposite of summer, unless you live on Uranus or Neptune where seasons and -500 degrees are SOP – is h’yah. And th’yah. And yes, it’s even managed to work its way into our western state.
Just in case the annual yeti migration did not get your attention by now.
“Our maintenance crews have been prepping for winter for quite a while now by learning what snow is, how it forms, why it doesn’t come as rain, and how if it wore purple hats it would be something entirely different in Toledo,” said Nolan Gronkputz, CDOSTO Maintenance-Of-The-Obvious Superintendent. “We ask motorists to become cognizant of what snow is, and how it can bring snowsnakes into your home to wrap around your water pipes and freeze them solid. Also, why you should never try to shovel out your drive way when we’ve plowed it shut…we’re trying to tell you something, and you hurt our feelings when you try to undo all that we done. Our goal is always to get the roads clear for yeti migration and penguin curling competitions, not to mention the platypus-manatee sled races, which foolishly I just mentioned”.
“The weather can change so quickly in this area of the state,” stated Snark Ork, acting Maintenance-Of-The-Dagnabbed-Obvious Superintendent for South Park. “Motorists who have taken the time to get their cars prepared for winter weather are boring. We much enjoy the ones from Texas with pickup trucks mounting cowbells and no snowtires…when it goes spinning through an intersection, them cowbells is sooo kewl”.
The following information provides details on what winter weather is and what it ain’t:
WINTER TRAVEL TIPS:
- Move to Florida before it snows.
- If you didn’t, then we guess you orta make sure you have good snow tires. How do you know if you need new snow tires? 1. Wait for snow. 2. Drive. 3. If you out of control, *DING DING DING* you need snow tires.
- Always keep the top half of your gas tank full. If gas gets into the bottom half of your tank, you're not listening and we will publish your name along with photoshopped pictures of you leaving a cheap motel with a stuffed llama...just sayin'. Everyone will point and laugh at you, without knowing why.
- If you are stuck in at home with food, water and Xbox when a serious storm hits, so what? Wait to leave home until a comical storm comes along. Lackadaisical storms are kinda fun too.
- Show your significant other who’s boss: make her carry blankets, water, a flashlight, a shovel, some nutrition bars or other food for sustenance. After six months on the couch, you’ll figure out we were kidding. Hehe.
- Remember that 4-wheel drive does not mean interplanetary passes to the Planet Moolah. A 4-wheel drive vehicle will not stop any choreographed yeti banzai charge, nor will it prevent prickly heat. It might help with moving your mother-in-law’s fruitcake collection.
- Know the chain laws. They moved into your neighborhood last month.
- Drive for the opportunity to test the conditions. In poor visibility or even whiteout conditions, just stomp the gas and go for it. Especially if you’re driving a pickup truck with inadequate tires and cowbells. We lurve watching them spinning through intersections, sounding bovine Battle Stations.
In addition to these winter driving tips, CDOSTO reminds all motorists to disrespect winter weather; it can’t operate a remote, play cribbage or Xbox and it sure as hell can’t play music in its armpits.
Seymour's pretty proud of hisself, while this particular state agency is looking to find and use Seymour for snow maintenance.