Here We Goes Again

Every day that I open the email, I'm usually not surprised.

Usually.

Email's wunnerful stuff.  So's photoshopping...just ask Mona h'yar.

Sometimes.

Apparently, a spammer thinks that I'm a libturd.  How would I know this?  'Cuz of the email I got from 'em.  It sounds like it's tailored way more to a lib than a conservative, though I'm not so naïve not to know that conservatives stray as well.

Just usually not this proud and openly.

Anyway, from Ashley Madison -- a wilder cupcake than Dolly, it would appear --  comes this h'yar:

The #1 rule if you're having an affair is never to do it with a single woman. Instead, date a married woman who has just as much reason to keep your affair a secret as you do. At AshleyMadison.com you'll meet MILLIONS of married women trapped in sexless marriages and looking to have a discreet affair. AshleyMadison is 100% SECURE, completely anonymous and NOW GUARANTEED

Join FREE Now! Featured On: FOX News, CNN, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, TIME Magazine, Dr. Phil and The View

Now, I can see CNN, The View and TIME Ragazine being in with sleaze like this.  But FOX News and the WSJ???

Okay, so there are horny foxes and investors out there.  Got it.

I'm just surprised not to see endorsements from Eliot Spitzer and Anthony "Photoshop THIS" Weiner on here.  This seems right up their respective alleys.

I'd bet they're both members.

I like the one part above the "Join FREE Now":  NOW GUARANTEED.  Guaranteed to what?  Get you laid and killed in one evening?

Well, y'all know me...I hadda go in for a looky-see.

What greets me first?  A photo of a hottie going "shhhhh" and the phrase, "Life is short:  have an affair".

Pick the wrong affair, and it can get shorter.  But you won't find that in the fine print.

Anyway, ol' Ashley Madison is...well, in her own words "Ashley Madison is the most famous name in infidelity and married dating. As seen on Hannity, Howard Stern, TIME, BusinessWeek, Sports Illustrated, Maxim,USA Today.  Ashley Madison is the most recognized and reputable married dating company.  Our Married Dating Services for Married individuals Work.  Ashley Madison is the most successful website for finding an affair and cheating partners.  Have an Affair today on Ashley Madison.  Thousands of cheating wives and cheating husbands signup everyday looking for an affair.  We are the most famous website for discreet encounters between married individuals. Married Dating has never been easier.  With Our affair guarantee package we guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner. Sign up for Free today".

Hannity?  You ol' dawg, you.  Not that SI surprises me here...their swim suit issue is da bomb.

My pet rock, Seymour, wants me to sign him up.  After his episode in Califorlornia and a paternity suit filed agin' him there, I said "no".  The last thing I need around here is mineral rage.

Seymour's response:  "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!"

No wonder it's so dusty in here. 

Anyway, I was intrigued by the "NOW GUARANTEED" thingee.  So a quick perusal, and shore 'nuff, I found the "guarantee".  Again, in their own woids:

 

Affair Guarantee Program Rules

• Under the AshleyMadison.com Affair Guarantee Program, (the "Affair Guarantee Program" or the "Program") if you don't find someone within the initial 3 months after purchasing the "Affair Guarantee" Membership Package, we'll refund you the amount you paid AshleyMadison.com for participating in the Program (the "Refund").
• The Guarantee Program is available for a limited time only, and open to anyone. Additionally, to be eligible for the Program and the Refund, you must:
  1. Comply at all times with the AshleyMadison.com Terms of Use. By using the AshleyMadison.com website and participating in the Program, you agree to be bound by the AshleyMadison.com Terms of Use.
  2. Pay in full the applicable rate for the "Affair Guarantee" Membership Package which consists of 1000 credits.
  3. Use your "Affair Guarantee" Membership Package to create a profile with a primary photo (public or private). Your profile and primary photo must be approved by AshleyMadison.com within the first 30 days of purchasing your "Affair Guarantee" Membership Package in order for you to be eligible for the Program. Details on approval of your profile and primary photo available at FAQ.
  4. Keep your profile visible at all times during the first 3 months of purchasing your "Affair Guarantee" Membership Package.
  5. Send "Qualifying" priority mail messages to at least 18 different AshleyMadison.com members each month. A "Qualifying Mail Message" must be a priority mail message you send to a unique AshleyMadison.com member who has not yet messaged you or a priority mail message response you send to a unique AshleyMadison.com member who has messaged you. A "Qualifying Mail Message" must be a priority mail message sent through the AshleyMadison.com service and does not include any other method of communicating (such as AshleyMadison.com winks or emails sent outside of the AshleyMadison.com system).
  6. Send at least 5 AshleyGifts per month.
  7. Instant message with members for at least 60 minutes per month through the AshleyMadison.com service.
  8. Adhere to all the steps set out in the Affair Guarantee Program.
• Please see the Affair Guarantee FAQ for further information. You may also contact Customer Care at 1-866-370-7011 with any questions related to the Affair Guarantee Program. AshleyMadison.com alone will make all decisions under these Program rules regarding Program policies, including but not limited to Program and Guarantee eligibility.
• If, after 3 months of purchasing your Affair Guarantee Membership Package you are eligible for the refund please fill out the "Affair Guarantee Refund Application". AshleyMadison.com takes considerable interest in the user's experience with the website and accordingly, you must follow all requirements to obtain the refund. Requests must be made within the earlier of 30 days of Program expiration or 120 days of your purchase of credits under the Program.
• The AshleyMadison.com Terms of Use and the Affair Guarantee Program Rules are subject to change by AshleyMadison.com at any time, effective upon posting on the AshleyMadison.com website, and your use of the AshleyMadison.com service and your initial or continued participation in the Affair Guarantee Program after such posting will constitute acceptance by you of such changes. AshleyMadison.com reserves all rights to modify, suspend or cancel the Program at any time and without notice.
• Program rules last updated July 15, 2010.

And what could be more convincing than a personal note from hisself, the president of Ashley Madison Tarts 'n Torts.com:

	A Letter From The President   Welcome to AshleyMadison.com I think the note was in E flat.  My pet rock was rolling on the floor when I stuck that in there. But despite Seymour's "yeah, sign me up!!!" pleadings, I didn't. "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT!" Let's face it...who in the general Ashley Madison database is gonna want to have a discreet affair with this: The tree might get more 'hits'. "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"