The Bayford Lotto Scam: Dumb Gets Dumber Part II

I love the photos the scammers attach to 'authenticate' their lotto scams.

But I digress. 

So my character -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- responds in a positive manner to the Bayfraud duet and their bank of note:  Citibank Ukraine.

Alleged Brits using an American bank branch in the Ukraine.  I like it.  Don't buy it, but I like it.

As much as they're going to come to love Jack N. Ewehoff.

Let's get right to the to 'n fro in email:

I can't tell you what this means to me.  I am sharing my response with the bank you referenced, and look forward to hearing from them soonest.

Jack Ewehoff

 It didn't take the Ukrainians from Comrade Citibank long to respond with their "transfer application" (which you'll note I've already filled out):

Welcome To JSCB Citibank Online Service Ukraine 
16G Dymytrove Street,

Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

Dear Customer;

You are receiving this email correspondence from Mr Jeffery Brown, the Controller and Chief Accounting Officer of JSCB Citibank Ukraine.

JSCB Citibank Ukraine is constantly striving to meet your offshore and international banking and investment needs, and when you join our Organisation , you are making a commitment that deserves reward, as we offer you access to a wealth of services and products and a dedicated relationship manager.

Your details were forwarded to us by the management of Kingsley Napley Law firm on behalf of Gillian and Adrian Bayford the Euro Millions Lottery winners, declaring you as a Bonafide beneficiary of their ongoing donation.

JSCB Citibank Ukraine hereby officially inform you that your valid cheque for 1,500,000.00 GBP = $2,328,241.57 USD is currently in our bank's possession and as it was deposited with us as an International bank draft by the Gillian and Adrian Bayford, the Euro Millions Lottery Winners.

According to the European Financial Service Authority rules and regulations for accounts and large transfers, International customers are to employ the services of an intermediary bank which will be responsible for clearing their Cheque here in Europe before the funds in cash can be transferred to the destination country.

This is the role JSCB Citibank Ukraine have been authorized to play and we expect you to furnish us with the below details to enable us transfer/wire your funds to your operational bank account in your country.

Step 1:
*FIRST NAME:      Jack
*LAST NAME:        Ewehoff
*DATE OF BIRTH:   2-29-19**
*SEX:                      Male
*ADDRESS:           *** ******* Street
*CITY:                    Central City
*STATE:                  CO
*POSTCODE:         80427
*COUNTRY:           USA
*MOBILE NO:         303-***-****
*FAX IF ANY:
*OCCUPATION:     Entremanure

Step 2:
*BANK NAME:          National Westminster Bank PLC
*BANK ADDRESS:   Texas Commerce Tower, Suite ****  Houston TX 77002
*NAME OF ACCOUNT:    Jack N. Ewehoff
*ACCOUNT NUMBERS:   **********

*SWIFT CODE :                 *********

*ROUTING NUMBERS:    *********

Your funds which amounts to 1,500,000.00 GBP = $2,328,241.57 USD will be credited to your operational bank account within 2-3 working days after transfer.

NOTE: If you do not wish to submit the above details due to reasons best known to you, your valid bank cheque can be sent to your address via courier delivery, but you will be responsible for courier delivery fee as delivery fee must be paid before shipment is effected.

Thank you for your time and may God Almighty blessed you and your lovely family , we look forward to the successful transfer of your funds.

Yours in service,

Mr Jeffery Brown

Chief Accounting Officer(Local/Foreign)

Filled out and sent; now comes the wait for "approval"....*Jeopardy Theme whilst we wait*...and the wait is little more than a day, as apparently Ukrainian banks are the epitome of efficiency:



JSCB Citibank Ukraine
16G Dymytrova Street, Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

Dear valued Customer: Jack Ewehoff

We thank you for emailing your information for the Successful transfer of your donation of 1,500,000,00Pounds from Gillian and Adrian Bayford JSCB Citibank Ukraine.

Please be informed that the transfer of your cash donation - One Million Five hundred Thousand Pounds(£1,500,000.00GBP) to your operational Bank Account in USA was successful, Funds Transfer was effected today the 10th day of May, 2013.


Due to International Banking regulations/policies of large funds transfer from the Ukraine to your bank account in your country will be credited within (2-3) working days from today, after the funds transfer fee must have been effected by you.


NOTE: Current status of funds transfer is "Successful" Funds transfer Status will switch from " Successful" to "Completed" after Citibank is in receipt of your funds transfer fee/ Cost of transfer . In accordance with the Financial Services Authority,the regulator of all providers of financial services in the Ukraine, the funds transfer charge is 0.03% of the transfer sum - One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Pounds (£1,500,000.00) = £450.00Pounds this means that before the funds transfer can be completed, you will have to pay for the Transfer fee of 450Pounds, according to the banking law of Ukraine, international transfer fee cannot be deducted from the funds in the account, you will have to pay this transfer fee from you personal pocket, and once the payment is confirmed the funds transfer will be completed before 2 working days.


Note: Your bank draft was initially insured by the donors(Gillian and Adrian Bayford),Citi bank cannot recall back your funds, but Citibank can place your funds temporarily on ''PENDING'' only in situations where no positive response is received from the beneficiary/receiver of funds.


Citibank funds transfer charges of 0.03% which is 450Pounds for international customers can only be effected to our International account officer Via Western Union Or Money Gram.


Payment Information of 450Pounds/$810 for Transfer fee Via Western Union
Receiver Name: Osagie Johnson
Receiver Address: 16G Dymytrova Street,
Kyiv 03150, Ukraine


We recommend that You reach us either by email or phone immediately for specific details of payment of £450.00Pounds for Transfer Fee, Money Transfer Control Number, Senders name, Amount Sent, country Money sent from, this are the information we need to receive the funds, and also send a scan copy of the western union money transfer receipt, Find in the attachment the telex copy/receipt of funds transfer .


Congratulations on a successful transfer.


Thank you for your time and we look forward to the successful transfer of your funds.
Yours in service,
Jeffery Brown (Mr.)
Chief Accounting Officer(Local/Foreign)

So the money's already transferred (to a non-existent bank account with totally bogus routing and swift code numbers, in Houston, Texas), and after I pay the fees, I can access the money.

Awwwww, shucks.  They shouldn't have.

So now it's time to play by first promising (on the previous Friday) that I'll make the payment by the next Monday; and then come that Monday:

Gentlemen, 

I will have a one-day delay in wiring you the transfer fees required for this large deposit you have for me.  My local Western Union had some kind of technical issue, and I will not be able to wire you the required fees until Tuesday, May 14.  Again, I appreciate all that you've done on my behalf, and trust you'll understand this slight delay.

Jack Ewehoff

Comrade Jeff Brown, of course, is okay with this:

Dear Valued Customer:

We will expect your payment as agreed to on Tuesday, May 14.  Pleased to notify us promptly when it is made.

So on Tuesday, "Jack" sends 'em this.

Mr. Brown,

I will wire you the funds after 11am my time on Tuesday, May 14.

He wires back:

Dear valued Customer: 
I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.

Now let's see what a *tweak* does:

Mr. Brown

Citibank Ukarest

Sir, I checked with my bank in Houston, and they inform me that no deposit by you has been made.  No deposit by you has been received.  You had previously informed me that the deposit had already been made, and only my payment of fees will allow me access to it.

I will now appreciate your explanation of the aspect of things here.  I mean, I have wired the fee as agreed, but I find that there is no deposit awaiting me.  Explain please.

The explanation I get back is a demonstration that we've now wandered a bit off the template path for Mr. Brown 'n Co:

Dear valued Customer: 

I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.  The deposit is in order and requires only you payment of fees to secure it to you.  this is what we agree to, yes?

Sirski: 

The deposit is NOT in order; the deposit isn't even HERE, according to my bank.  Again I ask for an explanation of the aspect of things.  MY end has been held up, in that the fee has been wired as per your instructions.  BUT....your end is not sticking up.  Where is it?


Dear valued Customer: 

I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.  we cannot go ahead without payment details you make today.


What he wants is the MTCN:


Yo, Comrades of Citibank:  do you understand the words coming out of my word processor?  You say the deposit is made.  My bank say the deposit is not.  Where for art thou is deposit?  Answer that question FIRST.


He is nothing if not persistent:


Dear valued Customer: 
I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.  this i must have before your deposit can be release.

Ah...FINALLY an admission that no deposit has yet been sent (like any was ever intended to be):


Citibank of Ukranus:
You told me that you'd already deposited the money in my account.  YOU TOLD ME THIS.  Now you tell me that it will be after I make the fee payment?  I still waiteth for explanation.  Yes, I do.  Indeed.  I do I do I do.  I do be do be do.


Dear valued Customer: 
nothing can be until you advice us that you have make payment and provide us needed details.  this you agree to.  time is not on our side.

 

Here we go again with this "time is not on our side" borscht.  Fine; let's get to messing with the transfer of the fee:

Anyway, as you requested, I wired you the $810 USD fee in the manure and to whom you had instructed me to do.  In fact, with the time difference between us, I'm sure he should already have picked up the fee.  I refer you to your earlier email that instructed me to whom and how to wire the funds.

When are you making the payment for the transfer fee.

Payment Information of 450Pounds/$810 for Transfer fee Via Western Union
Receiver Name: Osagie Johnson
Receiver Address: 16G Dymytrova Street,
Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

We recommend that You reach us either by email or phone immediately for specific details of payment of £450.00Pounds for Transfer Fee, Money Transfer Control Number, Senders name, Amount Sent, country Money sent from, this are the information we need to receive the funds, and also send a scan copy of the western union money transfer receipt.

Yes, Mr. Brown, that is exactly how I sent the money, and to whom I sent it.  Mr. Osagie Johnson.  Strange name for a Ukrainian.  Anyway, that's where and how it was sent.  I reckon he should have it by now.   So if I am understanding this, my money will activate in my account in 48-72 hours, right?

What are you talking about? if you sent the money, you did not provide me with the Money Transfer Control Number, how do you expect us to collect it, send the Money Transfer Control Number that the western union gave you, that is the number we need to pick up the funds

What do you mean, "what am I talking about"?  I'm talking about the instructions you gave me to wire the money -- to whom, how much and where -- and that I used those instructions accordingly.  After reading your message, I called my local Western Union; they confirm I sent the money.  They did say that it doesn't appear that it's been picked up yet, though.  Is Osagie aware it's there?  It's in his name.

How do you expect Osagie Johnson to pick up the funds with out the MTCN number given to you by the Western Union office, send me the MTCN number to pikcup the funds, and also if you have a scanner send me a scan copy of the western union receipt.

This are the information we need to pick up the funds.

MTCN Number

Amount sent

Senders Name

that is all Osagie Johnson need to pick up the $810, so send it and he will pick up the funds and we will complete the transfer today.  please this is very time consume.

Well sh*t, why didn't you say so?  I'll scan the receipt in and get it off to you straight away.

Along with that, I send him a copy of this well-used, fuzzied up image of a Western Union receipt that I've made use of many times prior with scammers:

And with that illegible receipt, I calmly await what I was not disppointed in receiving:

How do you expect Osagie Johnson to pick up the funds with this receipt.  just tell us the MTCN number given to you by the Western Union office so that this can be conclude in your favor.

Look, Brownie, I've provided everything that you have asked.  Osagie has the receipt.  Tell him to take it to Western Union and cash the f***ing thing already.  You guys aren't all that bright over there in Ukraine, are you?

That comment apparently went over poorly with Brown 'n Co:

This is not a valid receipt.  we are serious bank and you are jesting us and waste our time.  we email with you no more.

Well, as long as that's the case -- and the fact that he didn't respond back to my "when do I get my money, Brownie?" -- now it's time to send to him....and a plethora of his peers and contemporaries...an edit of his original email.  I had fun widdit:

 

Welcome To JSCB Mountebank Online Slavic Ukraine 
16G Dyemycrotchpurple Street,

Kyiv 03150, Ukraine, A Chernobyl Production

Dear Customer;

You are receiving this email correspondence from Mr Jeffrey Brown, a toothless vodka addict who pulls his pud while reciting Lenin in the town square here.

This make me loco heroine here, yes?

JSCB Mountebank Ukraine is constantly striving to meet offshore and international mugus and dumbasses, and when you join our Organisation, you are making a big fucking mistake for you, and hopefully a decent payday for us. 

 

Your details were forwarded to us by the meth-addicted troika of Kingsley Napley & Dorkey Law firm on behalf of Gilligan and Mary Ann Bayfraud of the S.S. Minnow,  a helluva bad capitalist TV show from a shitload of years back. 

JSCB Mountebank Ukraine hereby officially inform you that you're a capitalist dork tongue for actually believing a bunch of vodka-sodden Slavics in a run down internet cafe would actually have, waiting for you, a valid cheque for 1,500,000.00 GBP = $2,328,241.57 USD.  We cannot enough stop this our laugh at you.   One of our more sodden members choke on his bile, it is about this that he laugh so hard.  Eh-ski...we leave him where he is.  No like him anyway.

According to the European Financial Service Authority rules and regulations for accounts and large transfers...well fuckski, none of that Western capitalist shit applies to us here at JSCB Mountebank of Ukraine!   So what DOES apply here, you ask?  Well...uh...oh, that right:  what matters here is yak mating cycles.  You don't want to be here during yak mating cycles.  Yaks are heavy and bikes always break. 

I must know more about the whyfor of this, but that is for later when I can digress with enough vodka to help digression.

This is the role JSCB Mountebank Ukraine have been authorized to play and we demand you to furnish us with the below details to enable us transfer/wire funds out of your operational bank account in your country.

Steppes 1 (see what it is that we just did there?):
*FIRST Of NAME:
*LAST Of NAME:
*DATE OF BORN:
*LAST TIME HAS SEX WITH YAK ON BICYCLE:
*ADD of RESS:
*CITY:
*STATE:
*POST of CODE:
*COUN of TRY:
*MOBILE NO?:

*IF NOT MOBILE, EXPLAIN WHY OR GET OFF ASS:
*FAX or REAL:
*OCCUPATION:

*EXPLAIN THIS WHY YOU OCCUPY THIS:

*DO ALL FELLOW OCCUPIERS TOO SMELL LIKE YAK?:

Steppes 2 (see, we dood it again, mebbe this time you see?):
*BANK NAME:
*BANK ADDRESS:
*NAME OF ACCOUNT:
*ACCOUNT NUMBERS:
*SWIFT CODE : 
*ROUTING NUMBERS:

We needs all the second steppes part -- I make self laugh again -- so we can order more Absolut for our vodka-meth party we have every Friday of night, at your capitalist expense.  What, no like vodka-meth?  Don't knock it you not come try it.  It help with strange appendages we sprout after work at rounding up all the yak gerbils  created after Chernobyl.

NOTE: If you do not wish to submit the above details due to reasons best known to you, a Ukrainian orthodox pox on your family, pets, collection of Lindsay Lohan drug abuse citations AND on your genitals. 

I, Mr. Geophry Brown, I is thorough, yes you see this?

Thank you for your time if you follow all our instructs and may God pee in your breakfast foods, along with those of your family tree, if you are not convince to meet our demand, you capitalist pig.

We looks forward to the successful acquisition of your funds, Western douche nozzle.

Dasvadanya,

Mr Jeffery Brown (I spended much the time to come up with that names)

P of S:  I am not THAT Brown with lovely daughter...not to even ASK.

That did draw one last feeble email from the Mr. Brown of Citibank Ukraine:

bastard

That's the second or third time this year that a scammer's called me that...what's more, I think I can safely take that to mean that I'm not welcome to open an account with his bank....