Friday, April 26, 2013

Gilligan's Cruise

I've never been on a cruise ship.  I have friends who have, and have thoroughly enjoyed them.

I don't know anyone personally who's been on the recent rash of cruise ships that have had power failures, breakdowns, etc., tending to cast a pall on the idea (for some) of cruising at sea.

I can't imagine it'd be any more fun than was the Titanic, Andrea Doria, Cyclops or the Poseidon.

Then again, how many cruise ships venture out annually, and never once experience an engine breakdown, power failure, or lobster riot at the buffet?

Yes, there's a reason for that last mention, such as it is.

One of the mega cruise lines is getting ready to launch a mega cruise ship in November of 2014.  It's a big 'un.  It fairly dwarfs the Titanic.  It probably dwarfs an Iowa Class battleship.  It's supposed to carry over 4,100 passengers, and have all sorts of innovations never before seed at sea.

Well, my almost fresh-off-of-Califorlornia-mayhem pet rock, Seymour, found the idea of an even bigger cruise ship, chocked full of all sorts of man-made innovations, a ready-made breakdown waiting to happen.  So Seymour -- unbeknownst to me -- undertook to edit the article he found online.

I'll leave judgement on what he dun to it to the readership...see what I just did there:

Pierats Of Da Caribbean's ship Clusterf**k of the Seas
Pierats Caribbean Clusterf**k cruise ship: the largest breakdown of all
By Beenthere Dunthat, Associated Depressed Stranded-at-Sea Editor

NEW YAWHK (AwSh*t) -- Pierats Of Da Caribbean has truly outdone themselves. Even Gilligan and the Skipper would be impressed with the latest and largest shipwreck-in-the-offing yet: its forthcoming Clusterf**k of the Seas ship, which will be the first at sea to offer attractions like breakdowns 300 miles at sea, lobster riots at the buffets, simulated pirate attacks/hijackings and an observation capsule called The Bottom’s Up, with a shark’s eye view 100 feet (91 meters) below the waterline, upside down, just like the Poseidon.

"Without a doubt, Clusterf**k of the Seas will live down to its name with technological innovations breaking down in ways never imagined aboard a cruise ship," said Cheer Eyo, who writes at AdriftGuy Online.

"I can't wait to get stranded on it," said Ubu Ungabunga, a Somali pirate, who's looted more than 16 ships off the coast of Somalia in the Gulf of Aden.

Head Butts, an East Coast-based travel agent with Carnivore Lines, said he'll have no trouble selling trips on Clusterf**k. "Pierats Of Da Caribbean comes up with ways nobody ever thinks of when it comes to stranding people at sea," he said.

Clusterf**k will launch in November 2014, and will first homeport wherever it runs aground after the engines are first expected to seize up off Cape Hatteras.

Pierats Of Da Caribbean mates said The Clusterf**k was inspired by the last few years series of cruise ship breakdowns, and somehow bringing to it a Poseidon-esque theme.

The rioting lobsters in the main ships buffet, called Crustacean’s Revenge, are treated to a powerful stimulant injected into the lobsters as they’re wheeled into the kitchen. "One look at that boiling pot, and the lobsters are grabbing knives, cleavers, rolling pins, whatever, and going hog wild after the kitchen staff, and then into the main dining area where the melee truly gets going," said Arnold Schwarzzenstein, president and "SeaArrrrO" of Pierats Of Da Caribbean Introuble.

An indoor complex called SeaSick will host how to seize a ship at sea, how to survive a lobster attack, learning to throw up without getting any on the person down wind of you, how to repel borders with simulated (and perhaps real) Somali pirate attacks, and what to do while the ship is without power and adrift in a gale.

In one of the newest innovations, there will also be on-board lawyers to pre sign up for class action lawsuits, once the ship’s engines break.

Not everything on Clusterf**k is new to the industry. Breakdowns at sea have been increasing, and other cruise lines want a part of the action.

Tickets for Clusterf**k’s first sailing will go on sale to the public as soon as a person who can speed speak the incredibly-lengthy disclaimer can be found. Prices were not announced but cruise lines typically charge more when they know the ship’s going to be a sea-going "balls up" that they’re going to get sued over for years. Daid Faint, First Mate of Pierats Of Da Caribbean Cruises Arrr, said there would be enough extra fees to cover all claims when the ship breaks.

Pierats Of Da Caribbean is trying to buy the ship used by Johnny Dangerously in the latest Pilates of the Caribbean movie, as it has plenty of room for choreographed lobster-and-passenger fighting-melee scenes, which they plan to be the largest crustacean-man brouhaha in the world to date.

I think Seymour's outdone himself with this one.

"Did NOT!!"

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Blogger Sandee said...

I think Seymour outdid himself indeed. I knew he could write well, but this rocks. Pun intended.

I'm going to send Seymour home this afternoon. I'll let you know his delivery date and tracking number. I'm going to miss him too.

Have a terrific day and weekend. Seymour sends his best. ☺

26 April, 2013 09:16  
Blogger Right Truth said...

I stay away from cruises, I get motion sick. I've tried it before, a short cruise to the Bahamas, I was sick.

A week cruise of the Hawaiian islands, sick except when I was on land during the day.

A trip to the Dry Tortugas State Park/fort was fine on the way there ... on the way back I vomited constantly until the over two hour trip was over. Never again.

All that food is useless to me because what goes down, comes back up.

So your article is fitting!

26 April, 2013 11:14  

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