How Not To Playensee Vell Mid Others

If you're wondering why I chose THIS picture for this entry, just look closely at the length of Eye-gor's finger, and remember it as you read on.

It's been a busy schedule at work and on the scamming front, so I thought I'd grab this one-shot scammer from the fresh archives and show how I can be accused of...well...just not playing well with others.

Read carefully this poignant, moving missive from Aziz Abbas, a needy Saudi Arabian who inadvertently wound up with probably the one person in the whole wide cyberworld, he least wanted:

DEAR FRIEND, MY NAME IS MR. AZIZ ABBAS. I AM 59 YEARS OLD MAN (the importance of this point will not be forthcoming herein). I AM FROM SAUDI ARABIA BUT RESIDENT IN DUBAI-UNITED ARAB EMIRATE FOR THE PAST 25 YEAR. I AM MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN (I've heard that about that particular faith, but I digress and he goes on) MY FAMILY DIE IN CAR ACCIDENT TWO YEAR AGO WHILE ON HOLIDAY IN THE EGYPT (note: avoid The Egypt on holiday). SINCE I HAVE NO CHILDREN OF MY OWN AND IMMEDIATE RELATIVE, I DECIDED TO ASK FOR YOUR HELP IN THIS PROJECT. I HAVE BEEN HELPING ORHANPS AND CHILDRAN IN ORHANPS HOMES BY DONATING MONEY (you can help them best by donating some spellcheck programs). BUT NOW I AM RECEIVE INTENSIVE TREATMENT IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL IN SPAIN (gets around, don' he?).

MY DOCTORS TELL ME I HAVE CANCER OF THE RECTAL AND THAT I HAVE TWO MONTHS TO LIVE (that's a really gnarly place to get cancer, dude) SO BEFORE I CAME TO ILL I SAVED SOME MONEY (US $5MILLION) FROM THE SALES OF MY REAL ESTATES, GULF COURSE (a gulf course? I wonder if all the birdies he shoots are gulls...*ducking boos and throwd gulf gloves*) AND FROM INHERENCE I RECEIVE FROM MY PARENTS DIED. THE FUNDS SINCE HAVE BEEN DEPOSED IN CASH CONSIGNMENT VOLTS (shocking...*ducking some more*) WITH A TRUST FINANCE COMPANY IN SPAIN (don't tell me, let me guess...they can't save you, but they can save your money...?).

PLEASE, I BEG YOU IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY ALLAH *toing* TO HELP ME COLLECT THESE CASH BY NOMINATING YOU AS MY PARTNER AND THE NEW BENEFICIARY. AFTER THE COLLECTION OF THIS CASH YOU WILL NOW HELP ME TO DONATE THESE FUNDS TO CHARITY/ORHANPSAGE (seriously, dude, WTF?) HOMES IN THE UNITED STATES, EURPOE, ASIA AND AFRICAN. THIS WILL MAKE MY LIFE A DREAM WHEN I REST WITH THE ALLAH SOON (Allah is gay?). THE WORD OF ALLAH SAYS WHAT IT SHALL PROFIT A MAN IF HE GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD AND LOSE HIS OWN SOUL (about as much as it profits him by strapping on explosives and blowing hisself up, I reckon). THIS IS THE SWEAT OF MY LABOUR AND THE STRUGGLE OF MY LIFE (uh huh....*yawn*).

I BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED AFTER SERIES OF PRAYERS (seriously laughing my ass off) AND FOR HUMANITY SAKE I AUTHORISE YOU TO TAKE 20% OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOU IF YOU HELP ME TOUCH MANY LIFES AROUND THE WORLD (all together now......awwwwwwwwwwwww). I NEED YOUR HELP AS I HAVE NO IMMEDIATE RELATIVE I CAN ENTRUST THIS PROJECT WITH (they're all blowing themselves up along with fly-infested markets in assorted Mideast countries). I KNOW YOU WILL BE SUPRISE TO THIS PROPOSAL AS I DO NOT KNOW YOU BUT DESPIRATE PROBLEM DESERVES DESIPRATE SOLUTION THUS I GET YOUR CONTACT FROM INTERNET (and in his prayers, apparently Allah didn't warn him about infidels like moi...).

I NKOW THERE ARE LOTS OF ILLEGAL THINGS GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD AND IN THE INTERNET *TOING* BUT THIS IS FAR FROM ON AS THIS IS JUST A LEGITIMATE AND REAL PLEAD FOR HELP MAY THE GOOD ALMIGHTY ALLAH BLESS YOU.

With a satchel charge, I'm sure.

Of course, my very infidelish asides above, I am touched that Mr. Abbas sought me out. Though, he didn't really seek ME out; he sought out one of my friends, who doubled Mr. Abbas' mistake by forwarding his quest for help (to someone's wallet) to me. And readers herein all know how well I play with others.

So, I had Dr. Jack N. Ewehoff, pHd, resident proctologist from the University of Vaduz, Liechtenstein, probe into a suitable response:

Bitte, Mein Herr Abbas,

Permitten me to introduze mein selfen: I am Doktor Jack N. Ewehoff, pHd, proctologist undt lookenspeepers midde University of Vaduz, in Vaduz, Liechtenstein. Ist vunderbar here abouten, but I digrezzen.

A friend forwart das email you zent him, undt after readingk it, he mediately zhought of me az das perzon besten ablen to vorken das medical spitzen schparken on das problem you ist havingk. Undt midde further examination undt lookenzee, I am of das opinion zat I have, iffen not das curen fer das affliction, I have das antwort fer das futuren outbreaken undt infestations midde itchen undt scratchen undt schtuff.

Das problem az I seez it from das available evidence: your canzeresque tendenzies come abooten becausen of your preoccupashun undt unhealthy practicez mid poking goats undt camels mid your inzerten-dorken. Das ist das problem, ja! Butten-boinken das domeztic animalz ist both unclean undt a very zick practice, ja. Not to menshun, it overpopulatens das Goat undt Camel Rape Criziz Zenter in your neck of das voods, ja. Du ist zick perverten, du ist.

Az fer askingk fer das helpen from das Allan person, forgetten das schiesse: vhat gudt vill a diety zhat anzwerz prayerz midde strappingk das satchel chargen on du, undt zending du out to blowenzee uppen das fly-invested market placen undt schtuff, midde *POOFEN* undt spitzen-schrapnelen every vhich vay?

I vould zuggest dat you zimply cut offen your inzerten-dorken, undt join das convent. Midde robez undt habit, dey vill never knowenzee.

Mine first email diagnoziz ist free. Das next vun vill cost muchen Euros. I prefer cashen, ja.

Awpeterstain,

Dr. Jack N. Ewehoff

Qvestions aboot mine playingk vell midde udders, ja? Herr Abbas apparently had none more...