419 Scams: The Frop Side

*A hectic week hereabouts, so here's another from the blog archives in early 2006; 'twas a busy time, indeed*

In the words of a former coworker, sometimes I'm just too cheeky. Not all scammers are as boneheaded as the average ones I engage.

Here's a scam letter I received in the midst of my run with Mary Walker et al:

FROM THE DESK OF MR. JAMES O. OBI:
(BRANCH MANAGER)
CITIBANK GROUP OF LAGOS
2 MARINA STREET LAGOS, NIGERIA

STRICTLY CONFIDENCIAL

DEAR: BEFORE I START, I MUST FIRST APOLOGIZE FOR THIS UNSOLICITED MAIL TO YOU.I AM AWARE THAT THIS IS CERTANLY AN UNCONVENTIONAL APPROACH TO STARTING A RELATIONSHIP, BUT AS TIME GOES ON YOU WILL REALIZE THE NEED FOR MY ACTION (trust me, bucko, I realize the need for your action right off...but I digress).

MY NAME IS MR. JAME O. OBI, ONE OF THE BRANCH MANAGER OF NILL BANK NIGERIA PLC. TO MRS. JOAN MELISSA, A CITIZEN OF YOUR COUNTRY, WHO WORKED WITH AN OIL COMPANY IN NIGERIA, HEREINAFTER REFERRED AS TO MY CLIENT. ON THE 21ST OF APRIL 2001, MY CLIENT AND HER FOUR CHILDREN WERE INVOLVED IN GHASTLY MOTOR ACCIDENT ALONG SAGAMU EXPRESS ROAD (they collided with a motor?).

MY CLIENT AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY WERE MOST UNFORTUNATE IN LOST OF THEIR LIVES. SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SERVERAL ENQUIRIES TO YOUR EMBASSY TO LOCATE ANY OF MY CLIENTS EXTENDED RELATIVES (sounds like they might have been extended all over the highway...yuck). MY EFFORTS PROVED ABORTIVE AFTER UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS (I believe you said that, Dr.).

MY MAIN REASON FOR CONTACTING YOU IS TO ASK YOU ASSIST ME IN REPATRIATING THE MONEY AND PROPERTY LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT BEFORE THEY ARE CONFISCATED BY MY BANK WHERE THEY ARE DEPOSITED, WHERE THE DESEASED HAS A FIXED SUM OF USD$18M. THE ENTIRE MANAGEMENT OF MY BANK HAS ISSUED ME A FINAL NOTICE TO PROVIDE THE NEXT OF KIN OF MY CLIENT OR THEY WILL BE LEFT WITH NO OTHER CHOICE THAN CONFISCATE HER FUNDS.

I AM UNSUCCESSFUL THE PAST TWO YEARS, NOW I SEEK YOUR CONSENT TO PRESENT YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OF MY CLIENT SO THAT THE SAID FUNDS AS STATED ABOVE CAN BE PAID TO YOU INSTEAD OF THE BANK SEIZURE.

NOW THIS IS BEETWING (it's what?) YOU ME AND OUT OF MY GOOD MIND I AM GIVING YOU 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM, AND I KEEP 55%. THE OTHER 15% IS FOR EXPENSES THAT ARISE DURING TRANSACTION.

ALL THE NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS NEED FOR THIS CLAIM ARE UNDER MY CARE (that's comforting), ALL I REQUIRE IS YOUR HONEST COOPERATION TO ENABLE US SEE THIS ARRANGEMENT THROUGH I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU AND ME FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW.DO REPLY ME VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS WHIT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:
JAMESWEST@TAKEMAIL.COM

1. YOUR FULL NAME AND CONTACT ADDRESS
2. YOUR PERSONAL PHONE AND FAX NUMBER

ONCE YOU INDICATE YOUR INTREST IN THIS BUSINESS I WILL SEND YOU A COPY OF MY INTERNAL PASSPORT (just what I need, a copy of the papers that allow his bowels to pass stuff through...) AND A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY OF MY HUMBLE SELF THAT YOU MAY KNOW WHOM YOU ARE DEALINGN WHIT, WIATING TO HERE FROM YOU.

Not having used the guise I 'borrowed' from another 419 scammer for a spell -- Masato Chan, Esq., complete with photo ID and passport -- I decided it was time to don my worst Peter-Sellers-as-Inspector-Sidney-Wang imitation, and give it a go:

Dear Obi-san Ken not him:

I have honor to be Mr. Masato Chan, Esquire, a Chinese citizen currentry working in Itary on exchange program. I find your emair in my work inbox. After I read, I remove it from box since you say strict confidentiarity most necessary. I find most interesting your offer to give me business. But, I must return to China in a few months; untir then, I rearn from capitarists some of usefur art of prumbing business here in Itary, that I can take home for use in my home town of Fukyoon-duk.

I have no home phone; I stay in boarding house arranged by my emproyer. But if you need get reach of me, you phone me at work: 39 0364 880 447. There is fax number there arso, but it work fax, and I no can promise confidentiarity if you send fax.

Prease to ret me know what you need from me, Obi-san, and I assist you best I can so make it possibre to accomprish your business effort to me. When you send me your passport as proof of dubious antecedence, I send you mine in token of good faith, as I know you give me good business, yes?

I am most preased you seek to most wirringry to take of me most honorabre advantage, Obi-san.

I await your forrow-up.

Masato Chan, Esq.

(then came the business header I borrowed from a plumbing supply place listed in a town in Italy):

Rega Zeti Plumbing Suppliers
Pisogne, Italy
"Rigitoni Amour Abondanza Fungula!"

I think a loose English translation of that last is "pasta loves to be abundantly f...er..screwed".

I think.

Sadry, no repry...reply came back. Too bad, too: on this one, I might have been tempted to have actual speaks with Obi-san on a phone; I actually do a fair Inspector Wang imitation, comprete with my old high schoor Engrish teacher in background, doing her best to imitate character Lionel Twain (Truman Capote in the movie) screaming "SAY YOUR GODDAMN PRONOUNS!".

I drove my Spanish teacher nuts, too. Boneless nachos.