Guessin' It'll Be Longer Next Time

Especially now.

Some scammers like to come on as if they're your friend.  Some take it a step further, and come on like they're your long-time friend.

That always cracks me up.

This one -- Katie Higgins -- sorta kinda tried that ploy:


Dear Friend it has been long i have not hear from you.
Katie


Granted, it isn't easy to remember every scammer that's ever contacted me, one of my assordid characters, and even my pet rock, Seymour.  But I have absolutely no memory of any emails from a Katie Higgins.

Even Seymour is shaking his head.  Quite a feat for a pet rock.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

At any rate, I have no memory of this person.  But she writes as if she has a memory of my character, Jack.  Okay...it matters not that neither I, my assordid characters or my pet rock have ever heard from this person before. What matters, now, is the obvious sense of fauxstalgia expressed in the reply:


 Dang, gal, you're right about that. It has been a long time. I actually thought that after that night at the bar and the things you did on that bar dance with the thong, the hoola-hoop, the stuffed gopher and that incredible position you bent yourself into to simulate sex with a cardboard cut out of the yeti from the beef jerky commercials, you'd never forgive me for having video'd all that with my phone and sharing it on YouTube. Did you know that I won me $500 and an interview on America's Weirdest Bar Videos as a result of that viral sensation?

And that thing you did with the coat rack and whipped cream? No witness that night or video viewer will ever be the same.

Of course OSHA had to close down that bar and declare it a pubic health hazard after your escapade.

I knew there was a reason that I've missed you. And I know why you've missed me: your aim has always been lousy.

But I forgive you for that...after all, it was kinda tacky of me to share that video with 500 million YouTube viewers. I think that's how many hits the video has had.

So...have you done any Yugo tail pipes lately? Asking for a friend.  

Now, there is a scam out there where someone you know has their email address hacked, and "they" contact you claiming they're out of country and have had all their money stolen, and they need your help ... *cough* ... but as earlier noted, none of us h'yah has ever hoid of Katie th'yah.  Worse for her, Ol' Katie must be new at this...or English illiterate as her reply confirms:


I am happy to read from you once again after a very long time.i
contacted you for a reason please i traveled and i have been stranded
i lost even my international passport because i was attacked by Armed
Robbers and i lost my money.

i am planing to come around any time please you have to drop your
phone number so that i can give you a call when i am back.

Please i need the $350 right now to get back my belongings and come.

I am right now in Africa we went for a research.

send me the money through western union money transfer or money gram
for easy and faster receiving through my information bellow.

Receiver:katie Haggins

City:Lome

Country:Togo

Address:42 rue du Assiyey Airport Road Hotel

Please i will be waiting for your urgent reply.  


If a scammer is going to play someone I actually know (a real scam out there) that's in trouble ... eh.  It wasn't going to work either way:


Dang, gal...you should have been more careful.  I told you all those years ago that doing that improvised pole dancing in busy metro intersections was going to get you a sordid reputation.

You want $350?   You should be able to hook for that in one night.  

 

Her reply was...well, priceless:

 

 

are you going to not help me after all these times?  

 

 

That is very perceptive of you.  Helping yourself is the only way you're going to get some of the turkey stuffing on your plate.  The zen philosopher Basho made that perfectly clear at the mosh pit I last saw you at.  Weren't you paying attention?

 

 

The silence that followed that reply kinda tells me that ol' Katie has decided that she doesn't remember my character all that well after all.

 

Duh.