Vhat Das Fok Ist Uppensee?

Why would I take the time to edit a scam letter from a dubious antecedent who was trying to pull a lost funds scam from Burkina Faso, in German?

Because it's fun and I have no life.

Here is the gist of the scam letter as it was received:


Hello Dear Friend,

Pls i want you to read this letter very carefully and i must apologize for berging this message into your mail box without any formal introduction due to the urgency and confidential of this issue and i know that this message will come to you as a surprise, Pls this is not a joke and i will not like you to joke with it.

I am Mr Allen Ibrahim, a staff in African Development Bank (A.D.B) Ouagadougou,
Burkina faso West Africa.

I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to extablish with you for the mutual benefit of you and i.
I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of $15.2 )millionusd into your account within 7 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim due to the owner of this fund died along with his entire family and supposed next of kin in an air crash since July 31 2000.

I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer while i come over to your country to share this fund with you as soon as you confirm this fund into your account and ask me to come over.

Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interesting.

Upon the receipt of your reply and indication of your capability, i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 40% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me while 60% will be for me,

Because i don't want anyone here in our bank to know my involvement until you confirm this fund into your account and ask me to come over for the sharing as i indicated.
Please, dont entertain any atom of fear because the transaction is 100%risk free.

Note that, to be relation with the deceased or not will not impose or prevent you to claim the money, the fact is that whatever information we will present to the bank should be accurate. Rests assured that I will provide all the necessary information which the bank may require from you during the process to make sure everything goes well and fast.

Am looking forward hearing from you for more details information Thanks with my best regards   


Pretty run of the mill scam letter I thought.  So not only did I edit it in English:


Pls i want you to read this letter very carefully and i must apologize for berging this message into your mail box without hollandaise or Grey Poop on it.  Due to the exceptional level of sh** in this message, i know that this message will come to you as a surprise, please don't shove it in your pants and do unspeakable things to it with your genitals, please.

I am Mr Allen Ibrahim, a staph infection in African Development Bank (A.D.B) branch of Dearborn, MI.

I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to extablish with you -- I am not sure if I just unestablished by extablishing, but what the f**k, I was educated in the Washington DC pubic skrool septic and this is how eye roll. 

I need your urgent assistance in transferring a number of documents from Lois Lerner's email account to a tampon disposal container in a rest room in Burundi, soonest please.  This should have been taken care of before July 31 2000, but I didn't know about the damned emails then. Stupid broad that Lerner is, she didn't let me in on this until earlier this year.

Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are called to testify before Trey Gowdy.  He's relentless.

Upon the receipt of your reply and indication of your capacibility to play LP versions of songs in your arm pit or anally, i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and what the charges will be that lead to the business being executed, and why the business so richly deserves to be executed, and I hope I'm using the proper definition of executed/execution here, because otherwise my whole f**king email just went to sh**.

Because i don't want anyone here in our bank to know my involvement until a marmot wearing a purple hat highsteps across the stage belting out a Broadway show tune....they'll all be so amazed at that, I can get away with anything behind their backs, including putting crotch crickets in their thongs.

Please, dont entertain any atom of fear because the transaction is 100% risk free as long as you don't workin in this bank.

Note that, to be relation with the deceased, you must be antecedentally DNAed in a specific way that I am not cognizant of, because most of the words in that last sentence were writ by some wiseass bastard who knowd I can't say or explain any of them.  

Am looking forward to hearing the sound of an elf orchestra farting their way through Silent Night.  There's a subtle irony in that.
Mr Allen Ibrahim  


I only sent him back the edited-in-Deutchensprechen version:


Pls ich möchte Sie auf diesen Brief sehr aufmerksam lesen und ich muss für Berging diese Nachricht in Ihrem Briefkasten ohne Hollandaise oder Grau Poop darauf entschuldigen. Durch die außergewöhnliche Höhe der Scheiße in dieser Nachricht, ich weiß, dass diese Meldung wird Ihnen überraschen, bitte nicht schieben es in die Hose und unaussprechliche Dinge zu tun, um sie mit den Genitalien, bitte.

Ich bin Herr Allen Ibrahim, eine Staphylokokken-Infektion in der Afrikanischen Entwicklungsbank (ADB) Zweig der Dearborn, MI.

Ich hatte gehofft, dass Sie nicht aussetzen oder zu verraten, dieses Vertrauen und zuversichtlich, dass ich bin dabei, mit Ihnen extablish - Ich bin nicht sicher, wenn ich nur von extablishing nicht etablierte, aber was zum Teufel, war ich in der Washington DC Scham skrool septischen ausgebildete und das ist, wie Augenrollen.

Ich brauche Ihre dringenden Unterstützung für die Übertragung einer Reihe von Dokumenten von Lois Lerner-Mail-Konto auf ein Tampon Abfallbehälter in einem Ruheraum in Burundi, frühestens bitte. Dies hätte kümmern, bevor 31. Juli 2000 genommen haben, aber ich habe nicht über die verdammten E-Mails kennen dann. Dumm breit, dass Lerner ist, sie nicht zulassen, hat mich in auf diese, bis Anfang des Jahres.

Bitte, ich möchte Sie bitten, diesen Vorschlag als streng geheim zu halten und löschen, wenn Sie angerufen werden, bevor Trey Gowdy bezeugen. Dieser Bastard ist unerbittlich.

Nach Erhalt Ihrer Antwort und Angabe Ihrer capacibility auf LP-Versionen von Songs in Ihrer Achselhöhle spielen oder anal, gebe ich Ihnen alle Details, wie das Geschäft ausgeführt wird, und was werden die Gebühren, dass führen zu das Geschäft ausgeführt werden und warum das Unternehmen so reichlich verdient, die ausgeführt werden, und ich hoffe, dass ich mit der richtigen Definition ausgeführt / Ausführung hier, weil sonst mein ganzes verdammtes E-Mail ging einfach Scheiße.

Weil ich möchte nicht, dass hier jemand in unserer Bank zu meiner Beteiligung, bis ein Murmeltier trägt ein lila Hut highsteps über die Bühne schmettern eine Broadway-Show Melodie kennen .... sie werden alle so erstaunt, dass, ich weg erhalten können mit allem, was hinter ihrem Rücken, einschließlich Putting Schritt Grillen in ihren Zapfen.

Bitte, nicht zu unterhalten jedes Atom der Angst, weil die Transaktion ist 100% risikofrei, solange Sie nicht in dieser Bank Workin haben.

Beachten Sie, dass der Beziehung mit dem Verstorbenen zu können, müssen antecedentally in einer bestimmten Weise, die ich bin mir nicht bewusst, weil die meisten der Wörter in diesem letzten Satz wurden von einigen wiseass Bastard, ich kann nicht sagen oder erklären KNOWD geschrieben DNAed werden keine von ihnen.

Bin gespannt auf den Klang eines Elfen Orchester furzen ihren Weg durch Stille Nacht. Es gibt eine feine Ironie, dass.

Herr Allen Ibrahim


I can fully understand the silence that resulted from this email.  Speechless would I be too, seeing a marmot doing a Broadway dance routine in a purple hat...