A Scam Gone WTF In Pretty Much All The Places

After 22 years of playing with and baiting email scammers, I keep thinking that the 'game' will get old and I'll get bored enough with it to give it up.

And then....I get something like this:

A Special Gift & Blind Date For You ............. gm

Hello handsome,
I'm Brenda Pfitzner.  I'm taken already but are you ready for a special gift? I found my soul mate here on Zoosk, we actually got attached so quickly that we are planning on getting married.

I am headed out to TX this weekend to join my soul mate, I will be shutting down my account in honor of my partner.

I am online now and I'm in the process of shutting down my
account my cousin Catherine was so happy for us that she asked me to lead
her through the site and how to find a partner.

I was showing her the ropes and she got intrigued by your pics
and admired you alot. She asked me to send you a message, she was
actually standing behind me watching over my shoulder and I was
showing her how it works on the websites. She was awe struck when
your profile popped up, I never knew any peace of mind from that
very moment, she has been all over me about getting in touch with
you.

She said you seem like a man she would like to know better. She
lives in the same area as you. She was only here for a job
inspection. You don't need to write back here as I will be
deactivating my account on this site soonest. This is her direct
email: sitewoman1759@aliyun.com

Be a gentleman and reach out to her, I assure you Cathy is a fun
and open-minded lovable personality,  a true woman of substance
seeking a long term relationship.

I'm confident that you will thank me later for this blind date.

All the best.

Debra C Pfitzner   

Well alrighty then.

Let's forget that this email came to my scambaiting character's email account (aka, Jack N. Ewehoff) and that Jack doesn't and never has had a Zoosk account.  And let's forget that Brenda became Debra somewhere between the start and the finish of the opening salvo.

Let's also forget that Brenda/Debra's email address is sitewoman1759@aol.com, and her cousin Catherine's email address is sitewoman1759@aliyun.com.

It's certainly a slightly different angle to many an online dating scams I've seen over the years.  Still, there's always that first test that tells just how scammish an email is.  And I invoke it instanters, to both Brenda/Debra and to Catherine:

Well thank ye, though I suspect that the pictures you claim you saw of me weren't mine.

I'm not on Zoosk.  Never have been.  So your cousin Catherine will simply have to go on about her business and find a mate the old fashioned way.

 If Catherine's reading comprehension is worth two snail spits, that'll be that.

Within 24 hours I come to find that Catherine's reading comprehension isn't worth two snail spits:

This is Catherine Rothschild, thanks for honoring my request by replying and honoring my cousin Debra's request. It's a great pleasure to meet you like this and I truly really really appreciate it.

I am actually surprised with this as I didn't think my cousin was going to contact you after my numerous and countless effort to make her send you a message for me, but I am happy it happened. This actually is my first time trying out this internet dating stuff, so please forgive any form of awkwardness that may be perceived, you can call me old fashioned. I was already thinking of joining a dating website in order to contact you myself. I think she mentioned Facebook, not Zoosk. But reading from you now is such a great relief that I really don't need to search any further.

I am really happy that you sent me this email and the reason I requested her to contact you is because I'm looking for a good long term relationship-which will be the last one, and I have this strong feelings that it is going to be with you, something deep from inside my bones, call it intuition and you may be near the truth, and that was why I had to have her to make contact with you.

I am 5 ft 9 inch tall but I was born in Hamburg -Germany, into a military family. I'm a pretty simple person in my wants and needs, and we relocated to United States in the winter of 2008. My measurement/statistics are 34-28-36 and I weigh only 132 pounds.

I am into construction and a civil engineer by profession and I love my job, I have my Masters in Engineering and I have always being a one man at a time woman, unlike some people that I have met who have multiple partners.

There is not a whole lot that I dislike, however, the things that I do dislike seem to be based on values and character, I know you may seem confused with this, but let me simply explain what I mean.

The things that I clearly dislike or choose not to tolerate are, disrespect, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, lying, cheating, being judgmental, callousness, harsh words, hurtful acts, displaced anger, unfairness, injustice, selfishness, being inconsiderate, blaming, not taking responsibility, rigidity and any emotional acts that can cause damage or be damaging to another soul.

What else can I share about me? Uhmmmm, I love dancing. I have a strong work ethic and I never give anything less than my absolute best. If there is anything else you would like to know or share about likes, dislikes, passions and interests, do not hold back, go ahead and share with me.

My favorite food consists of Chinese, Mexican, and Italian dishes, I love red licorice and my favorite flowers are carnations. I do enjoy traveling and thanks to my job. I would like to see castles close up some day and stay at a beautiful hotel close to the sea.

Before we go on or before I say more about myself, I would really like to know where you reside and your current location, because my cousin told me that most people on social media or dating sites usually never fill in their right details.

I hope you can understand and give me an answer.

Plus I think you are really really cute. Send me pictures of you too.

Truly yours,

Catherine

And Catherine adds frills and dressing by including five photos that are purported to be of her:

Five foot nine and 132 lbs?  34-28-36?  Whatever.

At any rate, an interesting read.  And an interesting last name.  A little bit of online research finds that ol' Catherine Rothschild (aka Rottchild) has been a busy little scammer online at Zoosk and other dating sites, having used the very same template under a different email address or two.  But I digress.

Naturally, Jack decides to "begin the game":

Well now, Catherine, I find all this very interesting, albeit not totally unexpected, since your cousin Brenda forewarned me and urged me to gratify you with an email.

Your cousin Brenda -- or Debra, as you called her -- said that you found me on Zoosk while she was showing you the ropes.  This is rather a first for me, since my experience with Zoosk is akin to a goose egg (will she see what I just did there?).  I can't wait to see where it leads and how it plays out.

Rothschild?  Are you by any chance kin to the famous family by that name, or is that simply your last name with no connection to the actual lineage?  Not that it should make any difference, other than how you might explain to your grandcedence how you're diverging from a Rothschild to a Ewehoff.

You had quite the list of things that you don't like.  Quite a list indeed.  I don't think that you could have missed anything on the negative scale there.  That's fair, since I saw a lot of things on your list that, like you, I don't like either.  So we have that shared ground as a start.

Brenda/Debra suggested that you live close to me.  I'm in Colorado.  Depending on what Brenda/Debra rates as 'close', where in Colorado do you live, or in which nearby state?

Inquiring minds vant to know.

And since Catherine asked for a photo of Jack, I decide to let her have one:

*Jeopardy Theme Music looped for a weekend*

Now, after such a promising start -- and a full weekend to digest my reply -- something seems to have gone wrong for Catherine...and everyone involved:

I am uncleared on this.  I am not Catherine, my name Ivanka.  Who is Brenda please?  Please explain your email, though I am most flattened by the words.  Explain please and give me an answer.

Not the reply I was expecting, but it made the pet rocks laugh their versions of asses off, so okay:

Okay, so you're not Lisa.  Your name is Julie.  What we have h'yar is a failure to communicate.  Or a failure of templates.  Or both.  Or neither.  At any rate, I had no intention of flattening you with words; I didn't think the font was big enough for that.  I hope this as an answer and explanation serves in some manure to clarify things for you.  Brenda says WTF by the way.

Having no idea what to expect next -- if anything -- a day later I get this that clarifies pretty much nothing:

I do not know Brendan.  What does WTF meaning?  It is clear to me that we have meant with confused here, but i do think you pretty nice.  Are you from here or my place near there?

So let's attempt an explain that probably won't since we obviously have a lost template somewhere:

Well Catherine/Ivanka/et al, it's like this:  I don't know where you are, since Brendan didn't tell me where you were, other than saying that you were close to me.  So I guess that you are close to me, just like the Carpenters sang.

Now whether you are Catherine, Ivanka, Lisa or Julie is of little consequence to me at this malfunction at the junction; the only thing that matterhorns here is that Brendan said that you, in one of your guises, was lonely, and you were looking for someone like me.  Why, my pet rocks wonder...but that's what she/he/them said.

So that is why I wasted time, energy drinks and effort to reach out and I'll be there.  You saby?  I am trying to be as clear as Mississippi River mud here.

I must admit that this entire exchange has two pet rocks and a deactivated Alexa in utter hysterics.  Me?  I'm just playing the email I'm dealt.  And then there's....Whozits:

i am on wrong computer so sorry but have grate days.  

For once, I can't even...

That's fine.  Please check your computer and try your template again.

In 22 years of this, I don't think I've ever seen a scam go so off the rails as this scammer did.  Perhaps when he/she/it/pronoun of choice finally finds the right computer and/or scam template, perhaps I'll hear from them again.