Skunkfeathers: This Scam Is Falling Apart

When you get a scam email from a member of the Sam Walton famdamily, one's first thought should be that it's a parody from South Park.

Alas...it's not, nor is it as funny.

Not that the scammer intended it to be that way.

At any rate, I just got this email from Alice Walton. Read it as she writ it:

Dear friend

Nice to meet you.

My name is Alice Walton from the USA , I am an American heiress to
the fortune of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc
I have a charity project to discuss with you.
Please get back to me for more details
God bless you.
Mrs Alice
My whatsaap number +13029478864

Convincing, right?

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

So I decide to test the comprehension of this latest imitator of the Walton famdamily:

No you're not.

You're a poodle-lipped scammer from some Third World sh*thole.

Convince me that I'm wrong.

It actually didn't take all that long for this version of Alice Walton to prove herself to be exactly what I suggested:

Thank you so much for your reply to my message.
My name is Mrs Alice Louise Walton ,from California USA, I do not know
you personally but God knows everyone.

I want to send you money to help me set up a charity organization on
my behalf to help homeless children and also to help poor people that
are affected by the corona virus pandemic in your city on my behalf

I made a promise to God that whatever I get on this earth will use it
to help poor people and homeless children. I know that my message
will be very surprising to you but I know with God all things are
possible.

The total amount will be $ 800,000.00 for this work. You will use
$500,000.00 to buy items, like building a house for them, buying
food,shelter, giving them $ 250,000.00 as a cash gift, and use the
balance of $ 50,000.00 for your transportation and other things. You
are going to take pictures with those children when you are with them
and send them to me.

What you have to do now is to provide me with the below information
to start up the process.
   1, Full name
   2, Address
   3, telephone
     4, Age
As soon as you provide the listed information, I will contact my bank
in my country to know the best way they will release the funds to you
to start this God's work.

Please you have to take this project very seriously because it is
not a child's play.

I am looking forward to receiving your information so that i will
direct you to my bank to transfer the funds to your account to start
up this project without wasting time.
God will bless you
Mrs Alice
my whatsapp number +13029478864

It is certainly not a child's play alright. It's Walmart.

And we all know what it's like going to Walmart.

At any rate, I try again to test the literacy comprehension of the scamstress on the other end of this h'yar:

God certainly does know everyone. And He knows what I surmise, that you're as full of sh*t as both He and I know you to be.

This version of Alice Walton isn't terribly literate, but she goes on to completely repeat her previous email to me, along with this newly-added conclusionary inquiry:

I am looking forward to receiving your information soonest so are you

ready to send me the informations so we may begin this project without

wasting time.

Oh I am sure that avoiding time wastage soonest is in your goodest interest, Alice from Blunderland. Speaking of which, has God seen fit to introduce you to any rabbits bearing time pieces, bitching about being late or some such? This is not a trick question.

I am waiting for your informations to start the project and please stop wasting time now.

Wasting time? What do you think I do, shoot up time pieces? I will have you know that I am very cognizant of the most frivolous uses of time, and am well-practiced at such after years of talking to people like you. Kindly screw the lid on your bottle of Boone's Farm and quit sniffing the toilet seats in your local Walmart. It ain't healthy, y'know?

I am waiting for your informations to begin. Please no more this delay. Time is not on our side.

Oh, but how I must beg to differ with you: I have a pocket watch, which puts time squarely on my side. My right side to be specific. No better way to fix that time conundrum.

Will you please stop this silly and send me the informations to start the project at once?

Stop this silly? I didn't start this silly. You and your famdamily started this silly. Have you taken a good hard look at the kind of people that frequent your stores? Talk about silly. What are you doing about that? God is interested as well.