The Old Dying Inheritance Ploy

 Inspector...Chief Inspector Clouseau's primary portrayer may be daid, but his bumbles live on in Scamland.

I suspect that Peter Sellars would be impressed with "the old whatever he'd call it ploy".

There are no end of "dying-inheritance" scams.  Indeed, they are never-ending.

See what I just did there?

Neither do the scammers.

Take this latest one...please:

From: Mr Philip Wainwright Bateman
1 Knight Street, Pinchbeck.
Spalding, PE11 3RA
United Kingdom

Dear friend,

I am the above named person but now undergoing medical treatment in
Europe. I worked with British Railway Commission in Norwich for over
decades, I married for years without a child. my wife died after a
brief illness. I vow to use my wealth for the downtrodden and the less
privileged in the society. Since the doctor had confirmed my situation
that I will not live long anymore, I have decided to give out my money
to the poor.

Recently my Doctor told me that I would not last for Months due to
cancer, coupled with Covid-19 that I just tested Positive. Though what
disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition I decided to
donate this fund to an individual or better still an honest person who
will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want
an individual that will use this to fund and provide succor to poor
and indigent persons, and above all those affected by Convid-19
Pandemic

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the
Financial Firm. I will also issue them a letter of authority and
change of ownership certificate that will empower you as the original
beneficiary of this fund through my Lawyer. I want you to always pray
for me.

Do contact me directly to my private email address (batemanwainwright@gmail.com)

Hoping to hear from you.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Philip Wainwright Bateman  

My two pet rocks, Seymour and Element, love them a little of Chief Inspector Clouseau's antics.  They wish I were as inept as he is.

I convince them that I am, but without Cato, it just doesn't play the same.

At any rate, both Seymour and Element wanted to share in the edit of this particular missive.  And I must say...they certainly did that:

From: Mr Philip Wainwright Bateman
1 Knight Street, Pincheddick.
Spalding, PE11 3RA
United Kingdom

Yo Dawg,

I am the above named person but now undergoing medical treatment in
Europe. I worked with British Railway Commission in Norwich for over
decades, I married for years without a child because of my miniscule

winkee.  My wife died after trying to relieve her dissatisfaction with a

large gourd. I vow I didn't slip one I knew to be too big into her gitch.

Recently my Doctor told me that I would not last for long due to
cancer, coupled with Covid-19 that I just tested Positive. Though what
disturbs me most is my stroke that complicated my flaming painful

rectal itch which exacerbated my vaginal dryness that I didn't know

I had.  And if that isn't enough, I have genital warts on my face.

It sucks to be me, lemme tell ya. 

Having known my condition would be the stuff of SNL skits and

South Park episodes, I decided to check all my couch and chair cushions

for spare change, and have collected $3.49 and a Canadian penny.

I propose to donate this fund to an individual or better still a person

that hasn't got oral crotch crickets or demeaning plebney.  

I want a louver that won't drive me crazy.  I want a louver that won't 

drive me mad.  Most of all, I want someone who ain't bat sh*t cra-cra

about Convid-19 plandumbic.

Wearing a mask outside in a hurricane?  Get f**king real.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall notify my shrink and let him

know I found a live one for him. I will also issue them a letter -- I like 

the letter F myself -- and empower you as the original tallywhacker

thwacker that resides in Canterbury.

Do contact me directly to my private email address (batemanwainwright@gmail.com)

Hoping to hear from you.

One really f**ked up dude, 
Mr Philip Wainwright Bateman
1 Knight Street, Pincheddick.
Spalding, PE11 3RA
United Kingdom

I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that the efforts of the two pet rocks did garner a reply from the scammer, but not one that I think either of them expected:

f**k you

Is that an offer, a promise or a colorfully metaphoric demonstration that we've won the argument?  Please check your template and try your email again.  We so do enjoy repartee with single digit IQs.

Element gets credit for that one, while Seymour and the deactivated Alexa just smirked.

The single-digit IQ'd scammer didn't see fit to follow up further, which put an end to the 'old dying inheritance ploy', as the Chief Inspector would have called it.