The Scam FBI's Arrested Developments

You would think that in these times, with all of the abject crap that's going on domestically and around the world, the FBI would be busier than a three-peckered goat in a ewe convent.

Well apparently, they're not THAT busy.  There was time for the director of the FBI to contact my character about 40 million USD that my character needs to collect from overseas.

Or he'll be arrested.

*snort*

At least that's what this email from the alleged director of the FBI says:


Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI),
 Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division,
 FBI Headquarters
 J. Edgar Hoover Building
 935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
 Washington D.C. 20535-0001

 YOUR WITHHELD $40 MILLION AND THE LACK OF DOCUMENTATION OF FUND HISTORY

 Attention: Beneficiary

 The very heart of FBI operations lies in our investigations—which
 serve, as our mission states, to protect and defend our country
 against terrorism and foreign intelligence threats and to enforce the
 criminal laws of the United States. So follow our instructions
 properly to avoid any action from our office against you.We currently
 have jurisdiction over violations of more than 200 categories of
 federal law. So you can see that we can track you down through
 investigative programs. We have your address and the evidence and
 status of your trunk box worth of $40m, so we can arrest you anytime
 anywhere. However, if you don't have the required document on your
 possession.

 Note, that this document are only to be issue to you from the paying
 organization. To this regard therefore, you are advised to contact
 David A, Aguilar Jr the former Deputy Commissioner of U.S. Customs and
 Border Protection. In this position, he oversaw more than 43,000
 Federal Agents and Officers. ... He retired after 35 years with U.S.
 Customs and Border Protection and the United States Border Patrol, to
 obtain the document from them you need to follow instruction.

 We have done our verification on your FBI citizens identification
 record with your Social Security Number. The only document left is the
 required DRUG FREE CERTIFICATE (DFC) which should be issued to you
 from the paying office of the said trunk box. You are to contact Mr
 David A, Aguilar Jr the former Deputy Commissioner of U.S. Customs and
 Border Protection USA, to obtain the above required document. Here
 bellow, you find the contact person's contact information:-

 U.S. Customs and Border Protection USA,
 Contact Persons:  David A, Aguilar Jr

 Email: cstmrsa@gmail.com

 Furthermore, be advised that according to the United State Law
 together with the FBI rules and regulations. you are to take care of
 the document to be issued to you right away, because due to the
 content of the document and how important the document is. You are to
 take care of the document by sending to the Customs and Border
 Protection USA the require fee only for the issuing of the document
 right away and your $40.million will be release to you.

 NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most
 complete and up-to date records possible for no criminal justice
 purposes.

 WARNING: Failure to produce the above requirement in the next 96hours,
 legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining you,
 and if found guilty, you will be jailed for terrorism, drug
 trafficking and money laundering as this is a serious problem in our
 community today. The F.B.I will stop at nothing to track down and
 prosecute any criminal who indulge in this criminal act of terrorism,
 drug trafficking and money laundering. Forward the document to us via
 email attachment as soon as you obtain it.

 Faithfully Yours
Christopher A. Wray   


In the words of my pet rock, Seymour, "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

My scambaiting character what received this email -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- took that kind of in mind during the email edit that went back to the sender and about 100 of his pears and collies:

From: Christopher A. Dork <officesetion@gmail.com>

Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2020 9:39 PM
To: jacknjillwentoffthepill101@hotmail.com
Subject: Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI),

Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI),
Matter-Anti-Matter-Doesn't-Matter-Mad-As-A-Hatter Division
 FBI Hindquarters
 J. Heaving Ogre Building
 435 Douche Canoe Avenue,
 Washington D.C. 20535-0001

 YOU'RE NOT PLAYING BY GENERAL TRELAYNE'S RULES AND THE LACK OF DOCUMENTATION OF FUND HISTORY

 Attention:

 The very heart of FBI operations in these days and times lies in our 

inability to corncoct ingestigations—which  serve, as our mission states, 

to cornfuse and debunk our country against anything and anyone laughing

at cnn, Joe Bidumb, the DNC and Hollywad leftards.

 So follow our instructions properly to avoid any action from our 

orifice against you.  You don't want to make us mad.  Really.

No .. really really.  We currently have jurisdiction over violations of more than 

200 made up categories of law as interpreted by the meth-and-hallucinogen

using legal team at cnn. So you can see that we can track you down through
 ingestigative pogroms. We have your address and the evidence and
 status of your secret trunk in your closet full of evidence against Hellary

and if you don't do what we tells you well will tell her you have that trunk

of evidence in your closet and you'll go the way of Jeffrey Epstein.

Or we can arrest your development anytime anywhere anyhow. However, if 

you don't have the required document on your possession we will have

Lisa Page bring it to you along with a sheer nightie she wore for that 

psycho Strzok.

 Note, that this document is/are/were only to be issue to you from the paying
 organization. To this regard therefore, you are advised to contact
 David A, Aguilar Jr the former twat burrito street vendor that used to

operate outside the DNC, copping feels of young girls before Joe Bidumb

took over that role.

 U.S. Cuss And Revile 'Em Department USA,

 Contact Persons:  David A, Aguilar Jr

 Email: cstmrsa@gmail.com

 Furthermore, be advised that according to the Laws of Eunuchversal

Jurisimprudence of Third World Planets, together with the FBI rules 

and deregulations. you are to take care not to contract bud or 

miller-litevirus because due to the nature of the current ongoing

talking-points-template that cnn is using, it doesn't allow for ms13nbc

to copy it, word for word. You are to take steps to prevent the spread 

of a pandumbic cure so cnn can keep scaring the dumbest of the 

population in your area (aka, democrap voters).

 NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to be made available

in 189 different languages, though all written in Azerbaijani script.

 WARNING: Failure to produce the above requirement in the next 96hours,
 legal action will be taken immediately by arresting your development,

your pets, dependents, antecedence, commemorative condom collection,

and if found guilty, you will be jailed for perpetuating painful rectal itch as

a name for jelly or jam from an old SNL skit.  This is a serious problem in
 aging hippy communities today. The FBI will stop at nothing to track down and
 prostitute any babe they think will make lots of money on Friday and Saturday

nights working the seedy side of Newark. 

So don't take us lightly.  We have a drone watching to see if you even derisively

snort, chortle or guffaw at this email.

 Christopher A. Dork

Directum of Operatives

Federal Burrito of Ingestigation

While none of us were terribly surprised that the scammer didn't follow up with empty threats, Seymour was disappointed to learn that no revelations would be forthcoming from this FBI about burritos...